Saturday, May 2, 2009
The food is worrisome because I am not confident I will be able to weigh and measure food being out of town in someone else's house, but maybe this is the time to try this "normal eating" thing (I'm pretty sure normal eating doesn't consist of obsessively weighing and measuring food). I guess what is scary is not being able to control food portions, since I have become so dependent on weighing/measuring food, but I guess will have to take it as it comes. Then there is also the opportunity to overeat at these parties, and my go big or go home mentality will be my saboteur, if there is to be one, so I will just have to remember that it is ok to have something if I want something, just keep it in moderation.
Now it's not so much the alcohol that worries me, it's the thought of drinking calories which is making me nervous. But truth be told, I rarely drink, so I am going to try my hardest to allow myself to have a good time this weekend, so if that means having a few drinks, then hopefully I can bounce back on Monday.
So I do not want my obsession with food to ruin my weekend, so I am going to try extra hard to enjoy myself and not let this become the focus of my weekend. I know this will not be easy, but I also know that it will not be a reason to binge, either. And if I don't lose weight this week, that is ok too. I am going to survive, this weekend will not kill me or make me fat.
By the way, today will be day 23! Just over 3 weeks, had no idea I could do it!
Will update on Monday. Have a good one!
Later in the afternoon I wanted more cake though. So I thought, what I can do is torment myself all afternoon about depriving myself more cake, or I can have some and be done with it. And done with it I was. And perhaps I'm rationalizing here, but it wasn't even a real piece, it was a small sliver which just took the edge off my craving. So while I did go back for more, I was ok with that decision. I did not feel guilty about it, and in the end know it was best for me to do so, since it stopped me from obsessing over it all day.
But like I said, eating cake was not without its flaws, and this is where I still struggle. By having cake yesterday and a few small snacks throughout the day, I could not bring myself to eat supper, so when I got home from work and my dad was barbecuing steak, I felt like I couldn't justify eating it since I had already had something so bad for me today... so while my family ate steak, I went to my bf's place for the night and ate popcorn for supper. Not good, I know, and technically this deprived myself of having a meal last night (and a damn good one), but like I said before, I feel I have to work through baby steps, and now I am still working on not binging since it takes so much effort to NOT BINGE on food. I feel like I have 3-4 more weeks of working on not binging, and then I can start working on these other obsessions, like counting food points and "having my cake and eating it too", so to speak.
I guess this 3-4 weeks will be once I have lost the last 5 "binge" pounds and get back to what I was last fall, before I became too thin and did not have bones jutting out of my shoulders and chest - to a comfortable weight where I looked normal and healthy. What's scary to me right now, writing with a clear head, is that in spite of not binging on food, I find myself fantasizing about really good binges, or pre-Christmas when I was binging, but maybe only once a week and not to the degree it had gotten since the new year. I am afraid of slipping back into these mini binges I used to do (they would last maybe 15 minutes, compared to hours of binging as of recently), but this is where I have to be strong because I know it will just take one bite of the wrong food in the wrong state of mind for it to be all over. So I guess what they say, "knowledge is power", is true here - I know I am vulnerable to this, and through knowing this I just have to work that much harder to fight it.
Anyway, that's all for now. How are you all doing?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I've had a good week, and today marks my 21st day "food sober"! But in spite of this I am feeling down, not because I binged, but because I overate today (as in exceeded my daily points target by 5 on something I didn't need). It was leftover supper that had been sitting out on the counter for a few hours and when I got home this evening was picking at the pan. It wasn't much and I wouldn't consider it a binge, it is getting me down because I have a big party weekend ahead of me, so was trying to be "good" through the week to justify some indulgences this weekend. But it wasn't in my food plan and because I ate it I am stressing out over it, it is all I'm thinking about now as I go to bed... ugh.
Heading to work tomorrow we have a birthday to celebrate, so that means ice cream cake, which I usually love but am unsure about since I do have a big weekend ahead of me... this possibly means no lunch or supper tomorrow to budget for the cake, sigh. I actually don't want to go to work because of it...
So like I said, in spite of feeling down right now, I am on day 21, which 3 weeks ago sounded impossible. I guess going into the weekend I have to remember that I do not want to sabotage myself; eating will not feel as good as I will feel putting up stars on my calendar on Monday...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I found myself up late by myself on Saturday night and found what could have been my former binge-self's dream: peanut butter, marshmallow fluff and nutella. I found myself fantasizing about some sort of concoction I could make with all these but in the end, it didn't happen. I felt like I wanted it, but it wasn't even mine, so it would have been "stealing food", I didn't want to sabotage myself (I would have just crashed emotionally after that) and would have physically felt like crap. So that is a small victory for me.
I went to a family birthday party on Sunday evening and resisted cake (mind you I had promised myself Dairy Queen afterwards but I felt it was another small victory to say no to the cake, among MANY other temptations available that night). But left the party only having had a cup of tea and then went to "celebrate" at DQ with a brownie explosion (so yummy), and it was perfectly ok since it was within my weekly points, so no guilt!
So this past weekend turned out to be a lot better than I anticipated... have a big weekend coming up again which I don't know will be so easy... more to come
Friday, April 24, 2009
I am getting ready to head out of town tomorrow for the night and am slightly worried about my food for tomorrow. In anticipation of being houseguests tomorrow, we have made some fudge to take as a small token gift... hopefully not setting myself up for danger but I have cleared 2 hurdles so far this evening, one being that I didn't fawn over it as it was being made; and two that when I went to put it away about a half hour ago, I didn't get into it, nor did I feel deprived of it! So I feel like this is half the battle. Maybe I will have some tomorrow, who knows... I HOPE that if I do have some, it is in moderation and not the better part of a full pan of it. Won't get the chance to journal tomorrow since I will be away - maybe I will take a notebook to write in if I feel the urge strike. I guess where I am now is that I see this as a dangerous time, so I have to be on my game tomorrow, probably more so than I have been within the last 15 days... Here's to hoping!
- I had eaten fairly regularly throughout the day so wasn't hungry when I undertook the task (I'm really trying to work this "normal eating" thing)
- I wasn't interested in eating this food, since I had a good meal planned and didn't see the point in sabotaging myself since I am doing good
- I was more interested in cleaning out the cupboard rather than eating. These reasons reinforce that IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD FOR ME! If it was about the food I may not have resisted, but I felt emotionally good yesterday, which helped me fight off the eating demon that gets in my head.
So If I can keep a clear head through journalling and not binging, I know I can do this. I went back to the OA meeting last night. I believe that it works for a lot of people and has helped many, but am not convinced of its philosophy for me. I am however going to try it out for a few more weeks to give it a fair shot. If anything, I love the peer support available. So will see how it goes over the next few weeks.
I explained to her about my sticker system and she thought it was a great idea - behaviour modification (essentially rewarding good behaviour), and mentioned in the past how she herself has used that on herself, as well as others. seem to have found something that works, so lets stick with it. She suggested taking it a step further, having recognized that journalling (blogging my feelings away) helps me keep on track with my feelings, she suggested another sticker for everyday that I journal, since I do like to see stickers on my calendar, haha. So I guess I wouldn't get a sticker for the last few days since I have been neglectful, but I am going to do that as well. This will give me a chance to clear my head and thoughts on days when I am feeling overwhelmed, and you know I'm going to want that other sticker! So I am going to work with that as well.
Since doing so well, ~M~ reinforced my successes by reminding me that if I feel like I'm on the verge of slipping, to question why I would want to sabotage myself after doing so well for so long, which makes sense, I mean why would I want to go back to feeling so shitty and down all the time, when I can feel good? I don't know that eating ever really made me happy since I HATE myself afterwards...
I went to see a movie that evening, but had a big meal before I left so didn't feel the need to be munchy when I got there, and treated myself to something small once I got home.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I survived the afternoon having gone out for lunch for a good sized salad, which held me through the afternoon, right until supper time when I had a good plate of spaghetti, yum!
Had a few treats after dinner, but nothing major. I surpassed my daily points target by 4, but that is ok because the treats were worth it.
I'm heading to see ~M~ tomorrow, I feel like I have a lot to talk about and update her on.
I hope you all had a good day :)
Monday, April 20, 2009
I hope you all had a good day. Nothing exciting on for tomorrow, but hopefully will be another good day.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I was nervous going into the weekend, having gone out on Friday and Saturday night. Friday night turned out to be ok. I went about my regular business and when we got to our friend's place, it was just an evening of drinking (of which I did not partake), so I was happy to sip water for the evening, and felt NO temptations! So that evening earned me my 8th shiny star :)
Saturday was just a regular day - had barbecue for supper (YUM!), but after supper started feeling munchy... maybe not munchy, but I got in the mood for ice cream. So my mom and I snuck out for about a half hour to head to DQ where we both indulged on banana splits, and it really hit the spot. There was no guilt associated with this treat since I really hadn't eaten anything "extra" during the week (as in had not exceeded my daily ww points allowance, so had a lot to burn). So I think having that treat before the birthday party we went to Saturday night prepared me to say no to birthday treats. I was able to go the party the whole night and not eat anything (lots of hors d'heurves, desserts, etc). Toward the end of the night I had felt a little munchy and found myself staring longingly at chocolate brownies, but was able to resist. I was stronger than the brownies. 9th shiny star!
So then today was a long day. We went to my bf's parents house, which is usually worrisome for me because it often consists of uncertain foods, as in foods which I don't know nutritional information for (which I find to be very stressful when I can't calculate points... something I would eventually like to not obsess over, but for now I'm tyring to deal with the binging - baby steps). So I packed up my food for the day and stuck to what I had packed. I think when I first started doing this they were offended that I was bringing my own food, but I think they just ignore it now. I don't disagree that it's weird, but again, I will deal with this fear of eating uncertain foods eventually. So while they all ate soup, I quietly ate my instant oatmeal in the kitchen by myself, but I couldn't handle the stress of eating the soup, so I guess it was ok. It was had after lunch when someone brought out chocolate cookies and laid them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, but I literally angled my body away from them so I couldn't see them and pushed them out of mind (which was damn hard!)
By the time we left, I realized I still had a lot of points leftover, as my food week ends today, so on the way home we swung into Tim Hortons where I got a donut and iced capp. When I eventually made it home I had turkey dinner (in moderation) and dessert (again, in moderation). Now I know it looks like I have eaten a lot of food since Saturday night when we went for ice cream, but I maintain that I have not binged on anything, and that I have not overeaten. When calculating my "points", I even came in under my daily and weekly points allowance, so while it sounds like I have overeaten, I did good. 10 shiny stars!
About a half hour ago, people were starting to go to bed in my house and I saw an opportunity to go downstairs for more dessert, which I really don't need, since I have a full stomach, and I stood in the kitchen for a second or two getting water, and I thought to myself "Is that what *N wants? What would my brother do? Better yet, what would he WANT me to do?" And this was enough to snap me out of it and send me here, to my computer. I am glad I was able to catch myself in the moment and be so sensible about what I was thinking, because it seems when I get on any stretch of doing good is when I lose my edge, and find myself back at Day 1. I am looking at my calendar with all my shiny stars on it and see I have a solid week plus a few days without binging - and I know this hasn't happened in a while because looking back over my food diary, I usually write off Saturdays and/or Sundays. So I am not going to get ahead of myself and say I am going for 2 weeks or 14 days, because that is overwhelming, but I am going to make it through the day tomorrow. "One day at a time" is the motto that will get me through this.
So this week I am meeting with M (my counsellor) on Wednesday, of which I hope I will have a good update for her; and then Thursday I will go back to that OA meeting, although maybe I should try my hand again at that Tuesday evening meeting, if I can figure out where it is... I am going out of town on Saturday, to return on Sunday which is a bit of a worry because I`m not sure I will be able to control the food available to me. Hopefully I will be ok to bring my own food, but I will deal with this later in the week as it gets closer to Saturday.
Well this was longer than I thought, but about updates my weekend. It was a good weekend, and I feel so good. And feeling good is NOT A REASON FOR ME TO BINGE :)
Friday, April 17, 2009
I hope you all had a good day.
To the man who sent a comment, I misplaced it, but thanks for posting. As much as I'm sorry you suffer with this as well, it is always comforting to hear that this affects men, not just women. Have you ever considered therapy for this? I know for me, it helps so much to talk to my counsellor every two weeks...
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I am slightly worried about going to work tomorrow, I have a feeling there will be temptations :( but in anticipation of this I am going to go into work with my game face on.
How did you make out today?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Hope you had a good day today!
Anyway, I woke up not feeling good this morning, in a grumpy mood, you could say - as I snapped at my boyfriend for no real reason. Then things got a little confrontational with my mother, which upset me, she has a way of getting under my skin - she knows what to say to get at me. So in spite of my grumpy/down mood right now, I am going to go out of my way today to not overeat or binge, because these times when I'm down are apparently when I become vulnerable to food. BINGING WILL NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
I'm a little worried, I'm heading out to dinner with friends this evening to celebrate us all being done school. I'm going to try and steer the dinner to a restaurant with "safe food", i.e. a place that has nutritional information available on the website so I can track calories /points *sigh*, but if not will have to do my best to choose a smart choice.
So to recap, my goals for the day:
- don't overeat or binge to compensate for my grumpy mood
- make a good choice tonight at dinner with my friends
- BINGING WILL NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
That aside I came home and ate dinner, no problems there. I tried to go to another OA meeting, this one was in a different location and on a different night, because I have other plans on Thursday which will prevent me from going to the meeting at the same place as last week. I found this other meeting on the website, but I ended up getting lost in the maze of the Halifax hospital and couldn't even find the meeting. Disappointing, because I really want to pursue this, but not much I can do about it. Will have to be strong on my own until NEXT Thursday!
I am going into the end of day 5 and am feeling pretty good about it, my head seems to be clear for the time being. Here's to day 6 tomorrow! Happy Birthday April!
Monday, April 13, 2009
I'll be honest, around lunch time I was starting to get a little antsy... unsure about how my day might play out, as I had plans of sitting around the house for the afternoon, but my brother convinced me to head out for the afternoon, which I did. I set out to Michael's to which I browsed through there for a while but didn't really see anything that caught my eye there in terms of finding a new hobby, but that was ok. I headed over to Chapters and picked up a drink and found a book on binge eating which I sat down and read for a while (that's the beauty of Chapters, you can stay as long as you like without buying anything... hey I only have a few more months of using the poor student excuse so have to take advantage of it while I can). I forget the name of the book and only got a few chapters in, but it was basically discussing the characteristics of binge eating, who does it, etc. I'm going to head back later in the week to read some more, I am interested in the 2nd half of the book which speaks of ways to stop binging... So nothing too exciting, but before I knew it, it was 4pm and I hadn't really eaten since lunchtime, and that wasn't the end of the world.
From there I went in search of discounted Easter candy, of which I bought some for my bf that I hid in his apartment since he is out of town until tomorrow, and bought 2 cream eggs and mini eggs for myself. This was the hard part - I had them with me all afternoon, but did not intend on eating them today, I am saving those for another time... not sure when, I just don't want to miss out on those Easter staples when I feel up to enjoying them. They called out to me once I got home as I was watching tv, but I said no to them, which looking back on, I am proud of. I have however given them to my mother to guard (i.e. hide) from me until I request them. This is kind of degrading but I'm not at the point where I can trust myself yet with these treats.
I made it home and made myself some mini pizzas for supper (a low fat, tortilla "pizza", if you can call it pizza...), of which I usually eat 2. But once I had eaten the first one, I was able to listen to my body and recognize I wasn't hungry for the second one! Rather than eating it out of obligation or because it is in front of my, I wrapped it up to have for lunch tomorrow. The best part is, having a small supper allowed me to have DESSERT with NO GUILT and without OVEREATING! This is amazing! And it was so good.
So I guess looking back over the day, this was a great day, I think I made some positive steps today. However, I am slightly worried about tomorrow... I am volunteering at a luncheon for the day which is serving a 3 course lunch. My brother said not to worry about it and not to let my issues with food disrupt my day tomorrow, but I do not feel like I can handle a 3 course meal at lunch time, so unfortunately I have my own lunch, complete with healthy snacks, packed and ready to go. I hope I do not get distracted while I am there, because I'm sure it's going to be a tempting menu... but I am feeling strong and feel good about packing my own lunch. So wish me luck tomorrow, I just pray there isn't chocolate cake or something for dessert...
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I went to church this morning but didn't necessarily feel the spiritual connection I had been hoping for, but there was no harm done in going... maybe it will take a few times to re-establish the connection I was hoping for, and hopefully OA will assist in that...
Today being Easter I didn't feel temptations like I thought I might, although there was nothing around to distract me, so I feel like this was a good day, all in all.
So I'm heading into tomorrow, I know it will be easy, the beginning of the week always is (I hope that's not too cocky!). I hope you all had a good Easter!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I felt kind of depressed when my parents returned from vacation with some new clothes for me that I had to pretend I liked while I sucked in my gut, as the size mediums I have previously worn seem to have become too small for me (wait, the sizes aren't wrong, I've just been eating too much, thus gained weight... crap). But hopefully through stopping binging I can get back to what I once was in time to wear these new shirts for summer. They really are some cute shirts... Either way, binging will not get me into those shirts any sooner, and is therefor not the answer to my problem. I still feel like I am feeling the effects of a food hangover though, I feel kind of gross like I did yesterday, which is weird since 2 days later I shouldn't feel like this... but hopefully tomorrow will be back to my "regular" feeling self, whatever that is.
I've managed to weasel out of the family party for Easter tomorrow night. The last time I went to one of these big family functions I WAY overdid it, and I don't for see tomorrow's soiree being any different. With my brother being home and my parents returning from vacation, they suggested making a small dinner with just us, which I think will be nice and won't put me into a situation I can't handle. I think it worked out for the best because I don't think anyone else was really looking forward to going anyway. So maybe tomorrow won't be so bad after all, maybe I will get that 2nd sticker :)
I think I had mentioned I am looking for a hobby in a comment I posted, JJ is making jewelry... does anyone have any good suggestions for a cheap/easy hobby that would occupy my time and keep my hands busy for when I get the "urge"?
I'm not going to lie though, the whole time I was there, I was thinking about having pizza once I left - to which I drove around to 4 different pizza shops until I found one which had donair pizza (WTF?!? That was the first time in my life I ever ate donair pizza, but suddenly in that meeting I had been craving it... oh my). So I came home and polished the slice off, to which I finished the jar of peanut butter (sigh - not looking forward to explaining that to my mom when she notices, because it was the "hidden" peanut butter) and ate more peanut butter chipits, all before my boyfriend came over. And I felt bad about lying to him when I said I only had a frozen dinner for supper, but didn't know how I could justify eating pizza after going to that meeting. As for the other junk, that "go big or go home" mentality gets me every time (I had already binged twice earlier in the day, what was one more time, right?). I really feel like Thursday was the worst day of my life in terms of eating. I felt sick going to bed and "hungover" on Friday when I woke up. But it was a new day - a long day - and I made it without binging (albeit was DAMN hard). But here I am two days later and my stomach is still swollen from all the food...
My brother ended up coming home last night and we had some pretty good heart to hearts, and he told me about what a friend of his does when trying to break a habit... She has this calendar which she keeps by her bed and every day she goes without doing her "bad habit", she gets a sticker on the day she was "good". I guess it gives her something to look forward to and encourages her by seeing all the stickers on her calendar. They serve as a reminder of her strength, and she looks forward to getting a new sticker each day she doesn't do the bad habit. I know it doesn't sound like much and is even a little silly, but I am going to give it a try. I went out this morning and bought a package of shiny stars and got to put one on April 10, which as silly as it may sound, I felt proud of, haha. So I am currently on my way to a 2nd shiny star on my calendar as I am halfway through day 2. And it does sound funny, but when I found myself thinking about the PB chipits, I reminded myself that I want another sticker for today, and won't get one through binging on chipits. So laugh if you like, but so far, it seems to have worked :)
As for my game of losing gym privileges (something I enjoy) when I binge (bad behaviour) I don't think that is going to work for me. I feel as though had I went to the gym on Thursday instead of staying home, I might have been able to break out of my funk. I'm not sure that is the way for me to go, but I guess for now I will see how this sticker system works. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can stop binging?
I am nervous about tomorrow, being Easter and all - supposed to be heading to a family party for dinner; but have requested that no one give me chocolate this year, so hopefully this will be respected, nonetheless, wish me luck tomorrow, and same to you - this is a hard time of year.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Will update later.
DAMMIT, I am so mad, why did I do this? This sucks, and this is going to be my day now - feeling shitty and sorry for myself because I have no control. I am going to give my hand at this group tonight, I don't know what else to do. Someone help me :(
The cake had been taunting me since Sunday when it came into the house. I had two small pieces when everyone was here, but then I woke up around 1am wanting more, having come to after all the wine I had consumed. But Monday was a new day. I got home in the afternoon and all I could think about was cake, so in order to avoid it, I put myself to bed for a few hours to avoid thinking about it. Then I went out for the evening and it was fine.
Tuesday night, the night before my parents went away for a few days, I asked them to dispose of the leftover cake, I didn't need it here, especially since I would be unsupervised (am I really a 25 year old adult saying that?), and expected it to be gone when I got up. The first thing I did when I got up yesterday morning was see if it was there, and it was, ugh. I spoke with my brother on the phone yesterday and he told me to throw it out while he was on the phone with me, but I laughed and said I would be OK. Then last night after dinner, the cake got the best of me. After close to an hour of trying to determine the calories in the cake, how many points it might be, etc., I went for it, but as usual, it didn't stop there, it had opened Pandora's Box (peanut butter, cool whip, jello, a bag of peanut butter chipits, chips/dip, chocolate, etc.). Needless to say I went to bed feeling shitty and still feel awful as I write this 12 hours later. And to top it off, the first thing I thought about this morning was the peanut butter chipits that my mother so cleverly thinks she hid from me in the coat closet.
I truly feel like I'm out of control. I want to do it all again (ED wants me to do it all again), but I know that won't be good. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, which I think is why I hadn't blogged/journalled in a while, I just feel like I'm going in circles here. I promised ~M~ that I would get back to this, because we both know writing down my feelings works for me. She suggested playing little games with myself, for example, when I binge, I don't get something I enjoy - she suggested exercise. So I guess how it would go is when I binge, I don't get to go to the gym or run, which seems to be the only thing I have left, that I enjoy anymore. I'm not going to lie, I am getting ready to go to the gym after this, but this little "game" starts now (I'm justifying this because I am waking up with a clear head, where yesterday I was in a bad place).
I put off, yet again, going to a support meeting on Tuesday night, but I am definitely going tonight. I've said it before, but I am going to try Overeater's Anonymous. I always seem to have found an excuse not to go, but there is one tonight that I have to go to, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
I guess my new goals will be to journal/blog when I feel the urge come on. Although I'm still thinking about those pb chipits... but I have to be stronger than that bag. Taking away something I enjoy when I binge will have to be as well - I guess it will be exercise.
So in addition to all of this, my doctor wants to treat me with medication for depression. She had held off on doing so because she thought it was all my thyroid making me do this, but my blood work has come back normal so she is now looking for alternatives to helping me feel better. I feel it's this whole chicken and egg thing: Am I depressed because I'm eating, or am I eating because I'm depressed? ~M~ says its all tied in together, but it driving me crazy - trying to figure out why this is happening. I am hesitant to go on any anti-depressants for two reasons: I have heard horror stories about them having adverse reactions and people actually get worse, and the other being that ~M~ thinks understanding why I do this will help me stop.
So I'm getting ready to face another day, which I know won't be easy. I will not go that long again without journalling because I need this outlet to get out my feelings. BINGING TODAY WILL NOT TAKE AWAY THE GUILT I FEEL FROM LAST NIGHT. Today is a new day and I HAVE CHOICES, I DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE. I WANT TO TAKE BACK CONTROL.
How have you all been doing?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Other than that, I had a really good day. I should probably have been feeling more stress due to 2 urgent deadlines on Thursday but I guess crunch time will be tomorrow. So I do not have a reason to binge today. I am feeling good about tomorrow too.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Everyone was telling me how proud they were of me. My mom think I've worked out of my funk, I thought I had too. But here I sit, back to where I was two weeks ago. My stomach swollen from the food. I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up to a sore stomach, reminded of what I had done. I should have at least taken something to help me sleep.
I woke up and cried in my bed for about 20 minutes or so before getting up. But just like eating, it didn't help me feel better, I still feel bad, although crying isn't as self destructive as eating I guess.
Why did I do this? Binging did not help me accomplish anything, if anything it's held me back. It's nearly 10am and I've not worked out yet because I still feel shitty and gross. Where if I didn't do this I would likely be done by now. This is going to mess up my day, not to mention mentally, this is all I'm going to think about today. This is what I have to remember though the next time I am tempted, these awful feelings.
I made it a solid 13 days last time. I am going to take it one day at a time and work my way up to 14 days. It likely won't be easy with my dad's birthday coming up this weekend (i.e. boiled incing cake) but I have to make it through. I thought I had worked through a lot of these restrictions but I have a feeling I am going to be "detoxing" today, as in grapefruit and other juices I guess.
This sucks :( But binging will not take these feelings away. This morning I am not going to binge on food. BINGING WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. Sigh
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I guess, looking back the Timbits were the beginning of the binge - I was kidding myself to think otherwise. After eating them I listened to my body, and I wasn't hungry, so didn't eat supper, not out of punishment, but because I didn't feel hungry.
When I got home from school around 9pm I wanted to go to bed, but felt I had more school work to do. So I had a small piece of treatzza pizza and a small piece of carrot cake. It really was a small amount, so there was no guilt. But then a little while ago my mouth started salivating. I needed more carrot cake. Since the cake didn't have much icing on it, I grabbed the can from the fridge to put a little bit more on, one spoonful, right? NO! Several spoonfuls later and it was on. Found forbidden peanut butter and then had more treatzza pizza. Sigh.
So as I sit here now and my stomach is sore, he is laughing at me, he has beaten my cockiness, my arrogance, my pride :( But this whole episode only lasted about 20 minutes or so - relatively shorter than what I'm used to. And I know I can do this, so tomorrow is back at Day 1, and I am sure I can do this. I'm just disappointed with myself.
So why did I do this? The Timbits honestly just started with one, three, three more, 14. It was all so innocent at the time. I was working on school work but not feeling overly stressed or anything. Perhaps I HAD been restricting? I had such a rigid food schedule today, perhaps that didn't fly with my body? I legitimately allowed myself to have the first round of cake, I was fine with that. But the second round? I was feeling bored more so than anything, but this was not a reason to binge. Not feeling stressed, lonely or anything. I guess bored would be the best way to describe it, perhaps I don't know how to "not binge"? I got lonely without binging? Hmm... Update, I just paused writing this to get more peanut butter and almonds. Sigh. What's wrong with me? I know this is wrong but I can't stop, even while I write this! Why do I keep sabotaging myself?
But on the plus side, I MAY be moving out in September which I am pretty excited about. If for only one reason, so I don't have to be in this house of temptations. I love my parents and everything but it is hard to live here for someone like me. And I know ~M~ says it's not them, I have to learn to be around this and trust myself but they don't make it easy! I just feel if I can be in my own controlled environment I will have a better chance at this. Oh my. Here comes the sugar crash, the stomach ache, the jitters. DAMMIT! ;(
Better days ahead tomorrow.
the saddest girl on the internet
I have for the most part made it through the weekend. Friday night I went for dinner to this new Greek place in the city. I was nervous going because I couldn't find the nutritional value on their website, which often keeps me from going to restaurants when I can't calculate points. But I went, after some back and forth of going and not going, but it turned out to be ok (I had lethal garlic breath for the weekend but I survived).
Yesterday was a success because I had a part for this volunteer group I work with and despite the temptations (cake, donuts, muffins, chips, sweets etc), I SURVIVED! And I even had a small piece of cake! With no guilt! Just a little piece, and I lived to tell about it, who knew?!? And I didn't feel like I was depriving myself either. Wow, what a feeling.
Having accumulated "points" throughout the week, I was in the mood for ice cream last night, so dammit, I got ice cream, went for the treatzza pizza again, it was so yummy (no guilt!).
Then today was pretty good, had another hot breakfast (two days in a row!) and ate relatively good throughout the day. I fell a bit this afternoon at school when the cafeteria closed early and put out free Timbits next to where I was sitting. I ate ALOT of them (14!), but in spite of this, I don't feel like it was a binge, I overate, I felt like I gave myself permission. I don't feel great about this but it could have been worse, I just won't have leftover treatzza pizza tonight. I am not going to punish myself without supper because that's what he wants me to do. So today I overate, I did not binge.
But today is day 14 for me! And I feel great! I thought I might reward myself with weighing myself today, but I think I will reward myself by NOT weighing myself. ~M~ said it good when I saw her the other day when she said "why let a scale dictate your self worth when you feel good?" If I am feeling good, why risk feeling bad for the sake of some metal and numbers? Perhaps I will weigh myself eventually, but not today and hopefully not tomorrow. This has even been my 14th day NOT on a scale, two things to celebrate I guess. 14 days, two weeks, wow. Maybe I can go 21 days (3 weeks!) But don't want to get ahead of myself (he thrives on cockiness). So one day at a time. I have had a good day, a good week. I feel great about myself and don't want to jeopardize it with a binge. I do not need to binge.
JJ, you aren't doing good? How was your weekend? What about Simply for Life?
April, can I see your blog? I would love to see what you're saying! I could post a link on my site if you wanted.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Heading into the weekend I am going out for dinner tomorrow night with my bf but that doesn't really concern me. I have a party for a volunteer group I work with on Saturday and spent the better part of today running around shopping for that (and spending 20 minutes in the Bulk Barn didn't help me but all I bought for myself was sugar free candy). So I guess my only concerns for this weekend are the party on Saturday afternoon because we have lots of sweets for that. But I am going to be strong, if anything because I don't do anything "bad" in front of other people, so I should be able to stay in control. Kind of a lame weekend as I will be spending the better part of it researching the Westray Mine explosions as part of a paper due next week.
Wish me luck!
Hope you are doing good, drop me a line!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Some accomplishments over the last 11 days:
- I have gone 11 days without binging or overeating!
- I have been able to identify my feelings and what they are that trigger bad behaviour, a large part of this through journalling/blogging
- I put peanut butter into a recipe on the weekend and only used what I needed, rather than spoon feed myself! Better yet, I didn't feel deprived of it!
- I have not felt deprived of anything during this time, I am understanding this intuitive eating thing
- I am loosening up on his rules - I ate breakfast before working out one day
I still know I have a long way to go. Like right now for example I would love nothing more than to eat a big bowl of something, ANYTHING. But I am heading to bed very soon and I know this will not make me feel good. I would in fact make me feel awful. SO for that reason I am not going to eat anything, but this is not deprivation, it is listening to my body. My tiredness is winning out over my desire to eat, contrary to a week and a half ago when I kept myself awake until midnight for peanut butter.
So, off to bed for tonight, hopefully tomorrow will be day 12!
How are you doing?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I thought about getting on the scales this morning. Well, "thought" isn't the word, I guess it would be "heavily debated", but in the end decided against it. I'm not sure I'm going to see exactly what I'm looking for yet. I think I am going to wait for Day15 (God willing I get there), which would have given me 2 weeks having got my stuff together. That will be my reward for this week (is that a bad reward?)
I am starting to feel a little stressed though. I can always tell when my mom is stressed because she starts baking and cooking a little more. But I am making a conscious effort to resist the treats in the house, but don't feel deprived since I allowed myself to have some cake tonight. But I had a small talk with my dad about how we don't need to have all this crap in the house, which he said he would relay the message to my mom (sometimes it's easier to deliver third party messages because my mom and I are so much alike the both of us often misconstrue constructive criticism for plain criticism, so in this case it's easier to go through my dad so my mom and I don't snap at each other).
But all else aside things are going good. I can't wait to update ~M~ tomorrow. The last two weeks started out hard but I've got some good updates for her.
Have a good one!
Not much to say now, hope this isn't too boring. I hope you are all doing well. How have you been feeling lately? Surviving ok?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Other than that, feeling slightly stressed about school, bit project due tomorrow, but stress is not a reason to binge or overeat.
I treated myself to a little parfait last night, and the recipe called for peanut butter. And for a moment I stood there with the jar in my hand and thought back to last weekend when I had waited up till midnight to be alone with that very jar. But I didn't really even feel the urge to eat it out of the jar. I took what I needed and put it back, just like that! What a liberating feeling, I beat the peanut butter! And I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself because I have been here before where my cockiness got the best of me, but I am just feeling so proud of myself. And I even had a hot breakfast today (as opposed to my usual yogurt, cereal, fruit I usually have) with a real egg (not egg whites!).
I have a busy day ahead of me, lots of school work planned, enough to keep me busy anyway. This is day 7 and I do not have to binge, nor do I feel like I should. I feel like my stomach isn't as swollen from all the crap I had last weekend. Although I am afraid to look at the scales because I don't want to get upset because I have been good this week and if I see a number I don't like will be depressing. But I don't need to be controlled by the numbers on a scale, contrary to what he tells me. Yes, I think this is how "normal" people feel. But again, don't want to get ahead of myself, I will take today one moment at a time, one hour at a time.
How was your weekend?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Anyway, here I go, wish me luck! Will report back later at the end of the evening, hopefully going into day 7.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I had planned out all my food last night, which was a huge help throughout the day because I had a hard one. One of my co-workers got a little confrontational today, and I am not confrontational at all, it really rattled me. Shortly afterwards I went looking for my breakfast and was thankful that I had my food with me rather than having to go out for lunch because I might not have been able to control that. But I survived today without binging, although since about mid-afternoon my energy seems to have dropped. I was feeling pretty tired and bummed by the time I got home from work, just being a long day and all.
I got pretty stressed when I saw my dad had ordered pizza for supper, given that I was eating half a left over chicken fajita and potato. I am finding it hard to be around other people's (good) food. And when my bf came over and I was eating yogurt and granola and he had leftover pizza I started feeling a little stressed as well, just because I wasn't "allowed" to have any. But I survived, and without binging nonetheless. I overate today by 2 points but that's fine because I have lots of points leftover, and my overeating consisted of toast/jam and cottage cheese.
On a side note, while leafing through a magazine today I saw an ad for yourhealthyweight.ca. This is a campaign run by milk producers to encourage people to get healthy through incorporating milk products into your dieting efforts. A key message of this campaign emphasizes healthier living rather than getting caught up in diets. Anyway, I ripped this ad out of a magazine and I have it hanging in my bathroom, I think it is helpful for me to visually see this message: "It's better to have a body in shape than to obsess about the shape of your body". I am hoping to learn this, in addition to the normal eating excerpt, I think this is a great message and is helpful for working on my obsession with being thin, in addition to dealing with binging.
That's it for tonight.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I got slightly snacky tonight watching Ugly Betty and overate slightly (as in exceeded daily points target by 3) but managed to enlighten the munchies with some toast and oatmeal, so nothing to feel guilty over.
Anyway, not much to report on today, how did you make out today?
I survived my exam, I think I did a lot better than I thought I might, although we will see I guess when I get it back next week, because it was hard.
And I am feeling pretty proud of myself because my dinner plans have been postponed until the weekend, due to my friend being sick, but what I feel best about is I don't feel like it is getting me down like it usually would. I think having rescheduled it for a definite time saved me. Although now I don't have dinner plans, but it is ok, I have had my mind on something in particular all week which I will probably have instead. So this is a good day so far, I am feeling good, considering yesterday and having last minute plans cancelled but I am not feeling vulnerable to food right now, although I am kind of hungry... I am not going to binge tonight because this is day 4 and I feel good. Binging will make me feel bad about myself. I HAVE NO REASON TO BINGE :)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I won't get into the whole thing because it's long and a lot to type, although probably not irrelevant to my problems, but it goes back to me binging and overeating when I am feeling lonely/abandoned, which is how I have been feeling through the day. But I know that binging will not solve my problems. Sigh. I feel so sad. And so alone. I have never been formally diagnosed with depression but having identified feeling lonely causes me to eat and be sad, and how I cried hysterically several weeks ago with ~M~ over eating out of loneliness, I wonder if I could actually be depressed. I mean, how does a doctor diagnose that? But I am also dealing with some thyroid problems as well, so maybe that is just a side effect?
Anyway, aside from the sadness I am feeling pretty stressed over a midterm tomorrow, had a hard time concentrating on studying due to everything else going on in my mind. I had a great conversation with my brother earlier. Since we both have this common bond over binging we talked about the ups and downs of how it makes us feel. We even had some good laughs over stupid things we had done/eaten while in the zone. When you say some of these things out loud you realize how silly they actually sound ("you once drank a concoction of warm salt water and mustard, then did jumping jacks to try and induce vomiting after binging?" WTF?). So it was great to talk to him. He lives a few hours away so we only get to talk on the phone but I now take comfort in talking to him because he gets it, unlike my parents and BF who think they get it.
By the time I had gotten back to the library tonight I had overeaten slightly (as in more than my daily points allowance), but nothing to feel guilty over because normal people eat when they are hungry, and I was feeling pretty damn hungry tonight, even after eating a good supper I was still hungry. I feel like I could almost go for something now but won't since I would rather go to sleep.
I am excited about dinner plans tomorrow night and am not feeling nervous about going, like I usually am when I go out to dinner lately. I am looking forward to seeing an old friend and catching up, and eating dinner in a restaurant like a normal person. Hope it goes well.
I think once I get some sleep and clear my head my mood will pick up by the morning, maybe I'm just tired. And menstruating, maybe that's why I'm extra sensitive today (TMI?)
*I just reread this post an apologize that it is all over the place, I'm pretty tired, I will try and organize it/tidy it up in the morning.
I felt the urge this afternoon, while at school, to comfort myself in a slice of pizza or donut, but thankfully snapped out of it. I packed a pretty good lunch today and am going home for dinner shortly, but I will return here after supper to study for an exam tomorrow and because I'm not sure if I can trust myself to be home this evening with such easy access to the kitchen. I am feeling stressed because of school, and sad because of lack of celebratory plans once this semester is over. But this is not a reason to binge. Binging will not take my problems away and I will feel twice as bad afterwards if I do so because I will physically feel sick. Binging will not solve my problems.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Today was a success because I packed all my food for the day and when it ran out, that was it. I made myself a regular supper (seafood pasta) to bring to school with me this morning, which was so much better than eating caf food. If I can find the time in the morning to do this, I think it is a pretty good idea for helping keep me in check.
I even went to the grocery store and for the first time in my life left with only buying produce (btw, pears on sale at superstore this week are AMAZING). Not that I wanted to buy anything else or felt tempted, I've just never done that before. And I had my eye on these green cupcakes they were selling all day in the cafeteria, but I resisted.
So not much to report on today. It is still early in the week and my body is still feeling the effects of the weekend, but tomorrow will be a better day. My fear for the week is riding the crimson wave and throwing caution to the wind, but while I usually give into cravings I am going to have to fight them extra hard this time so I can fit back into my Christmas clothes.
How was your day?
The night is still young, but I have no reason to binge.
Will talk about my day later.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Either way this morning I would have woken up feeling regret. If I hadn't binged I would have wished I had since I did the night before and my "food week" runs Monday-Sunday, but since I did binge, I regretted it since I felt like ass.
I actually made an interesting realization about peanut butter today. IT IS PEANUT FLAVOURED BUTTER. I would never eat regular butter the was I do peanut butter, why do I do this? The more I thought about it, the more grossed out I became. But I've never been one to be affected by these visuals that show you how much sugar or lard you are putting into your body by consuming certain products, like they often show people on these weight loss shows. Could this realization be an end to my fascination with peanut butter? I hope so...
So today I started back at day 1. On Monday's I usually get so hung up on surviving the week without binging that by mid-week I start to get overwhelmed. So this week, after hearing ~M~ preach it for so long I am just going to strive not to binge one day at a time. Today I did not binge and I am confident to say I won't for the rest of the night because I'm getting ready for bed *yawn* and my teeth have been brushed (finally a rule that works for me rather than against me: once teeth have been brushed for the evening there will be no food consumption - I am obsessed with oral hygiene, what can I say?). So my next goal: no binging or overeating tomorrow.
I think today was a success for several reasons. One being that it's Monday, my day to detox after the weekend. Two, I had a long day planned at school so took all food to be consumed during the day with me. Once the food was gone, that was it, planning like that was really helpful. Three, I wasn't feeling depressed or vulnerable today despite a hard weekend. Four, I NEED TO LOSE THOSE 12LBS THAT ARE SHRINKING MY CLOTHES (I know my clothes aren't shrinking, what's inside is getting bigger), but I am going on a shopping trip to New England once school is over but will only be going if I can shed a few pounds (ED's rule).
So I'm heading into tomorrow, day 2. One step at a time as my girl Jordin Sparks says :)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I made it through Friday night no problem and even Saturday morning, again having breakfast before working out, and having a good breakfast. But it went downhill when I was trying to pack a lunch for school and I started nibbling on things in the fridge, then eating mindlessly out of the cereal box, which I was OK with, I wasn't feeling too guilty. Then as a total fluke I found the pot-of-gold: peanut butter. Not just any peanut butter, but hidden peanut butter (my parents think by hiding food is helping me, which to some degree it is but when I found it, it was game on). So I eventually left for school feeling like crap where I didn't eat for the rest of the day. Until I started getting the urge for ice cream. I already blew it right, so why not "treat" myself.
I was really conflicted over having the ice cream. First, mid afternoon I left school and started to walk to my car from the library, which was about a 5min walk, but when I got to my car, I didn't have my keys and since it was a bit of a walk, I went back to studying without ice cream (divine intervention perhaps?). When I left school for the evening I drove to the McDonald's parking lot, ready for the drive thru when I had 2nd thoughts. I was debating over whether or not I even needed it, and there was such conflict in my mind. A few minutes later I left without my ice cream and headed home. Then I had to head back out to go to my grandparents place and couldn't fight it any longer, so went to get my Rolo McFlurry. And it was damn good. Since I had already lost so much control, while on my way to my bf's place after this, I stopped at a gas station where I poured over the baked goods section and grabbed a piece of chocolate peanut butter fudge. It was weird when I bought it because the whole time I was there I felt like an underage kid purchasing liquor or something, it felt so wrong. I went out to my car and consumed the fudge in the darkness before continuing on to my bf's place. Needless to say I wasn't feeling good after this and spent the rest of the night mentally beating myself up for this behaviour. All the while, my jeans are gradually getting tighter....
Then I woke up today, it was a new day and I had a good breakfast, planned out everything I would eat at school and was fine until I got home an hour and a half ago. I started with "Overeating", as in exceeding my daily points target, and had a bowl of oatmeal. Then it was rice cakes and jam, to which it was an energy bar, rice chips, coffee cake, etc. And I still want to keep going. The only thing keeping me from going isn't willpower but that my parents are watching tv and I don't want them to see me with more food.
I am so sad right now, I don't know why I can't do this. I have done it before. I haven't journalled my feelings at the end of the day since Thursday so I am going to get on that as of tomorrow. I don't know how much of this I can take, the ups and downs are emotionally draining. If anyone has any suggestions for me, please feel free to leave a comment or email me. This sucks, but tomorrow is a new day. Wish me luck.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I am proud of myself for having breakfast before work today. Perhaps this doesn't sound like anything amazing to you, but one of his restrictive rules usually keeps me from eating before 9:30am. Why, you ask? I am generally a morning person and I usually like to workout before I start my day at school and on the weekends. I don't generally eat before I workout because I can't work out on a full stomach (not good, I know), but it gives me stomach cramps otherwise... so anyway, somewhere along the way I decided that I couldn't eat before working out, and he took it a step further by saying I couldn't eat before this time (usually when I finish my workouts) even on days that I don't workout because then I use up too many points too early in the day (I hope I've explained this ok...). But considering this "normal eating" concept I am trying to live and understand, I was hungry this morning at 8am so thought I would have a little something small before work (usually I wouldn't eat breakfast at work until between 10-11am). So I made myself some toast and jam, and dammit, it was good! Not only that but my stomach wasn't grumbling for the next 2 hours or so. Could this Ellen Satter be onto something? Eating when you are hungry? And not only that, but it is normal to do this? I feel so... liberated, or did today anyway. From there it only got better.
Another one of his rules is a breakdown of when I am allowed to consume a set number of WW points. Under these rules, i would not usually have more that 3 points before lunchtime. But I had already broken one rule (toast/jam), and not only that but by the time breakfast was said and done had consumed 4 points, before lunchtime! And I came across a piece of chocolate in the office, nothing huge, just a small piece that came in a courier package today from one of our suppliers. So I ate it at 11:30. So here I was before lunch and had broken two rules already. And trying to be normal, I felt zero guilt. Could this be what normal people feel like?
I ate my lunch as planned and then came the box of Tim Hortons donuts in the back office during the afternoon. I kind of wanted one, or thought I might, but to be honest I don't even really like their donuts (I've had a hard time enjoying them since they moved from the fresh to frozen baked goods several years ago). Under the binge regime I would have had one if not more out of obligation (to him) just because they were easy access. But today I said no and not to restrict myself, not to punish myself for breaking rules earlier in the day but because I don't even really like them and didn't anticipate enjoying them (did I really just say that? About a desert food?)
So I carried on with my day and went to Subway for supper out of convenience because I had a lot of errands to run after work and needed something quick and that was good too, I even ate the chips that came with the meal (Baked Lays, but still), to which I came home and had a small cup of pudding. All this and not managing to exceed my daily points allotment by more than 3 points. Interesting. Looking back over my day I had a lot of food today and enjoyed most of it, with no guilt! The big thing here for me, is no guilt. If this is what normal eating is all about, I could definitely reacquaint myself with this concept.
I know I probably sound like a changed person here, and I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I just feel so good, a lot better than I've felt in a long time. Today was a great day :)
I am in for tough times ahead though, I know every day will not be like this (but one can dream) and I am in for a long weekend and week given midterms and projects, all the while dealing with this, and I'm sure the coming weeks will not be easy, but I feel like I can do it. I hope I can. Because today was awesome. And I hope I could share some of this awesomeness with you or inspire you to have an awesome day like mine. How was your day?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
All-in-all only overate by 3 WW points, which is fine. I am already mentally preparing for tomorrow's food (and praying there are no surprises at work tomorrow), but know that I have made it through the day successfully having journalled my feelings away and am ending it on a happy note.
How was your day?
Today was a good day I would say, didn't feel any major ups or downs. I woke up this morning intending to go to the gym but didn't feel like going since my legs were sore from overextending myself the last few days, and through trying to be "normal" decided I should listen to my body. So I did, and I don't feel guilty, it was OK that I didn't go today.
The rest of the day was relatively painless, went out for groceries with a friend between classes. She does not drive and is having some medical problems herself right now, so it felt good to help her out and spend time with her.
I didn't stress too much about school, which is weird because I have a lot of deadlines coming up, but I will deal with that on the weekend when it's crunch time.
I am getting ready to have some friends over for dinner which I am looking forward to. We are going to make pizza and hang out for the evening. I am not worried about overeating since I am in a controlled environment and will semi-prepare mine before they get here.
So all in all, I have had a good day and feel good today. I do not need to binge or overeat tonight. Let's see how this goes.