Before I start I will quickly update you on the rest of my night last night. Since I was already in binge mode, I ended up waiting up for my dad to go to sleep, at which time I ate "hidden peanut butter" (so much sweeter given the challenge of having found it) at midnight. That's right, I kept myself awake that long for PEANUT BUTTER. The rational being that I would regret not having it in the morning having been on a bender the night before (that's fucked up). I had to act fast so I wouldn't get caught so I scooped out a huge glob onto a plate which I consumed in the locked bathroom out of paranoia of someone walking in my unlocked bedroom and catching me with this sweet drug. Sigh.
Either way this morning I would have woken up feeling regret. If I hadn't binged I would have wished I had since I did the night before and my "food week" runs Monday-Sunday, but since I did binge, I regretted it since I felt like ass.
I actually made an interesting realization about peanut butter today. IT IS PEANUT FLAVOURED BUTTER. I would never eat regular butter the was I do peanut butter, why do I do this? The more I thought about it, the more grossed out I became. But I've never been one to be affected by these visuals that show you how much sugar or lard you are putting into your body by consuming certain products, like they often show people on these weight loss shows. Could this realization be an end to my fascination with peanut butter? I hope so...
So today I started back at day 1. On Monday's I usually get so hung up on surviving the week without binging that by mid-week I start to get overwhelmed. So this week, after hearing ~M~ preach it for so long I am just going to strive not to binge one day at a time. Today I did not binge and I am confident to say I won't for the rest of the night because I'm getting ready for bed *yawn* and my teeth have been brushed (finally a rule that works for me rather than against me: once teeth have been brushed for the evening there will be no food consumption - I am obsessed with oral hygiene, what can I say?). So my next goal: no binging or overeating tomorrow.
I think today was a success for several reasons. One being that it's Monday, my day to detox after the weekend. Two, I had a long day planned at school so took all food to be consumed during the day with me. Once the food was gone, that was it, planning like that was really helpful. Three, I wasn't feeling depressed or vulnerable today despite a hard weekend. Four, I NEED TO LOSE THOSE 12LBS THAT ARE SHRINKING MY CLOTHES (I know my clothes aren't shrinking, what's inside is getting bigger), but I am going on a shopping trip to New England once school is over but will only be going if I can shed a few pounds (ED's rule).
So I'm heading into tomorrow, day 2. One step at a time as my girl Jordin Sparks says :)
xo
*N
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One day at a time. Good luck today!!! Today is my day one. But, I have sunday to remember...which was the best day I have had in a long time....so I'm striving for another good day.
ReplyDeleteAs I write this, I'm in a hotel room and I just came back to my room from the breakfast buffet. There was sooooooo much good food...muffins and waffals, and and and. But, I had a bowl of Rasin Bran and some yogurt....and, get this, I stopped eating when I was feeling full. OH MY :)
But, breakfast isn't my scary time. None the less, success!!!! :)
Fantastic, it sounds like like there were a lot of temptations, you are strong, you can do this! Good luck today, I'm sure it won't be easy especially while travelling but remember the success of Sunday and this morning. One moment at a time if you have to!
ReplyDeletexo
Well, today, Tuesday, is Day 1 again for me. I guess after 17 days I was bound to mess up :( I binged (on healthy food, but still, binged) yesterday and had one of those awful days of being sick to my stomach and wasting the entire day because of bingeing. Last night I was thinking about it and I realized that the reason I binged this time was because of having a conversation with my mom on the phone on Sunday, and a lot of what she said upset me and as usual, being the sensitive person that I am, I took it personally and internalized it instead of letting it go. I was crying and upset about it last night when we went to bed and my boyfriend, being the wonderful, understanding man that he is, listened and asked me about it and held me and comforted me and I told him about that being why I had binged. Anyways, being comforted like that totally helped me let the negativity go, and I feel much better today and ready to move forward again. The "binge crisis" is over for another time, thank goodness. Now I'm just dealing with that bloated stuffed feeling the day after, UGH! I hate it! I feel like a huge cow today.
ReplyDeleteBut the main thing is, I'm on track again today :)
I'm glad you had a successful day today N! Great job! you're totally right about focusing on one day at a time instead of the whole week. And you are right about what you said, even a binge on healthy food is still a binge and is accompanied by feelings of loss of control and guilt, so I do count it as a binge.
We can do this, ladies, one day at a time, we are stronger than It! xoxoxo
take care
April
Oh boy. I swear, Ed has people working for him. I had a meeting today at one of our out of province locations. I bought the coffee for everyone...and no donuts...so I was safe right. WRONG.
ReplyDeleteOne of the staff members brought in like 18 AMAZING donuts. Home mede at a local small bakery. They looked so good ... there were no words. But, I resisted, and the meeting started.
I had coffee, and I don't do coffee and sweets...so I was safe. When the coffee was gone, I was feeling tempted...so I popped a piece of minty gum...I was doing okay.
BUT THEN....my stomach started growling...uh oh, I was hungry....like, physically hungry not emotionaly hungry. I continued to resist...thought about the bannan in my bag...and I love bannanas...but I knew I was so hungry that a bannana wouldn't do it.
THEN...everyone left the room. I had resisted him for over an hour...but all I did was think about eating the donut. As soon as I was alone, my strength was gone.
I ate one amazing wonderful yummy donut. Awful, but just an over eat, not a binge. AHHHH, but no one was around, and no one would know if I had a 1/2 of another one..would they....nope, so I had 1/2 of another. BUT...that 1/2 was so good, I needed another half.
_sigh_ Today sucked.
BUT, I got a call from my councelor,, and to be consistent with your method, I'll call her *B. She has an opening tomorrow...I jumped on it!!!
Here's to trying to get through the evening!!
jj
Aw, April, that's ok. You made it 17 long days! That is an accomplishment in itself so don't get discouraged! I'm glad that you were able to recognize that the argument with your mom was a trigger. It's great that you have your bf to support you through this. Perhaps it will be easier to resist if you see it coming and identify that you are vulnerable? Or so the theory goes...
ReplyDeleteJJ, that's ok, I have been in that same place where it's ALL YOU THINK ABOUT! It's funny how you can spend so much time fighting it and then it can just go in an instant like that. I know what you mean though...
That's fantastic that you are meeting with a counsellor tomorrow, I am so happy for you! Good luck tonight and I hope to hear how tomorrow goes with her. This is a huge step, I'm so proud of you.
xo