What a long day. I spent most of the day mentally fighting him. I ate this many points, I had this many points left, supper was going to be this many points, wanting to binge, etc.
This was such a weird day. All day I wanted to binge on food - *N actually wanted to binge. Usually when I binge, I never want to and always think to myself to stop, but I can't. This was different, I just wanted to eat food. I feel so depressed today. Depressed and tired. But on the plus side I received thyroid medication from my doctor, which I started today, so I am hoping this will help with bringing up my mood.
I got home from school, already stressed after barely passing a midterm and mentally arguing with him all day. By the time I got home, I was feeling emotionally drained, hungry and stressed out. I became further upset when I got home and saw that my mother had cooked a pot of her clam chowder, something I love. But I wasn't allowed to have it after having binged the last three days, which stressed me out further. I was thisclose to tears (and really, over what?). So rather than enjoy the chowder with my family, as I would have enjoyed, I ate fat-free hot dogs and steamed veggies in front of the TV, but really, what kind of demented excuse for a meal is that anyway? A penance meal, I guess. It's interesting that despite my desire to binge and eat, I couldn't let myself eat the chowder.
So as hard as today was, I can officially say that I did not binge. According to my definition, I did overeat today, but only by 3 WW points (not the end of the world). I feel like I am down in a funk and I don't know if I even want to be "binge-sober". I am not confident I can not binge tomorrow, because I don't know if abstaining from binging is what I want right now, but I can just take it one moment at a time.
Anyway, I'm off to bed for some much needed sleep.
xo *N
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Aw N, I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. Yeah I know, I felt like I needed a hug today, too and I love giving hugs :D I'm sure that midterm took a lot more out of you than you realize. I used to physically throw up after my organic chemistry exams, I found them SO stressful. I know it seems like the end of the world when you think you did badly on a midterm, but perhaps you did better than you think you did. Reme,ber also that you are feeling depressed right now because of the sugar in your body, that is exhausting you. It takes such a toll on my body when I binge out on sugar, it takes me 3 or 4 days to get it all out of my system, and of course the reason you feel like you "want" more is because sugar is so darn addictive! Tomorrow is a new day, and hey, you didn't binge today! I'm proud of you, too! If it were me i'd be bingeing every day for like 5 days or something, so you did ok :)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to ask you (and any others who are listening) if you've ever tried juice fasting to try and break the Ed cycle? I have many times in the past, but it seems like it ends up just exhausting my body and taking a long time to recover from the fast, and then I invariably feel so weak and hungry that it leads me to binge again and then I'm right back where I started...I have been thinking about this a lot in the last few months and it seems like I am just so sensitive to "all or nothing" behaviour, that fasting seems to perpetuate that. I have read about so many people who have successfully overcome thier sugar addictions/bingeing by fasting, and it has been life-changing for them, but when I fast I get very ill the whole time and never feel as good as they say they did, and it can't be because I'm really toxic because I cleanse regularly and eat really healthy (except for bingeing). So I don't know, I feel really conflicted about that right now. I have also read, of course, a lot of info from gym expert type people who say just eat healthy and work out because if you fast and then overeat, you will lose muscle mass and then gain bodyfat, which also makes sense...I just wish there was a simple solution...sigh. But yeah I seem to have been caught in a bingeing-laxatives-fasting-eating healthy for awhile-back to bingeing cycle for ages, and I'm trying to break that. I know fresh juices are a wonderful thing for your body, but I'm just not sure fasting is a good idea, or maybe not as a coping behaviour to punish myself for overeating, anyways.
anyhow, you take care, and I will be praying that tomorrow will be better for you :)
love, April
Thanks again for the encouraging words, I think this is what I need to hear now. I actually did worse than I thought (54%!) on my midterm, in my 4th year of university, I can't believe I'm getting marks like this (having been an A/B student throughout the last 4 years), but I'm not going to dwell on it.... I have too much else I dwell on.
ReplyDeleteThat's funny you would bring that up about a juice fast. All day on Sunday while I was binging I thought I would do that for Monday, just to cleanse my body of everything. Then I woke up Monday morning feeling so hungry, and thought if I start restricting myself, I will set myself up for failure, so went about my day as usual (measuring foods, counting points), but it was the evening that got me.
I don't know a lot about the juice cleanse, I have found a lot of conflicting information online (the length of time to do it, which juices to drink/avoid, eating some foods with it, etc). I will look into it though, I didn't know it could actually be used to help break a sugar addiction, thought it was just a quick weight loss solution (which wouldn't be a bad thing since I've gained 10lbs since Christmas).
So like you said, today is a new day. It is almost 8am and I don't feel any better mentally than I did last night, but hopefully once I get up and moving I will feel better.
I hope you have a good day today April, it sounds like you are doing so good, you sound so strong! Thanks again for your kind words,
xo
Huh. I had never heard of a juice fast. I'll look into it too...and talk to my dietician friend and get her take on it. I'll let you know what the professional says :) Good luck today.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually feeling quite strong today. I don't know for sure, but I think it is b/c I got up inthe middle of the night and read my bible. Now...I don't know if you guys are Christians...and if you arn't....just skip my next paragraph...but *N I remember reading that you attend Church...so I'm gonna write this. I found some comfort in the book of Job last night. Just made me feel like I'm not alone in suffering.
Good luck today. Hope you do well!!!
A few years ago I was heavily involved in my church and then I moved to NB for a few months and couldn't be as involved, but found when I returned I had lost the connection I had with my church. Since then I attend occasional services but still volunteer there fir their monthly dinners.
ReplyDeleteI have thought a lot over the past few months about trying to go on a more regular basis but have always seemed to have found an excuse not to go on Sundays for one reason or another. I do consider myself a Christian though so I'm sure it won't hurt to dust off my bible and check that out. It won't hurt me to do that.
Thanks for the suggestion. I hope you have a good day!
xo
Hi JJ, I'm so glad to hear that you feel ok right now, I feel so bad for you to hear when things aren't going well. yes I am a Christian, I love going to church but don't make it as often as I would like, but I am close to God and feel comfort from praying, talking or singing to God and reading my Bible. I'll check out the book of Job, thank you for the advice :)
ReplyDeleteand please do let us know what you find out about juice fasting. I use it to cleanse my body of toxins (fresh juice I make with a juicer) along with cleansing herbs. I do it for the cleansing benefits, you know, just to be healthy, and I was always successful at it until, about the last year or so, when I started noticing that i was doing it instead of for health reasons, rather to "punish" myself for eating badly. Then it got into a bad cycle. I do believe in juice fasting but only when you can actually do it for health reasons. it DOES help you lose weight, but that is because it helps detoxify the liver and make the body more efficient at digestion and metabolism (again, because a cleansed liver can remove fat-soluble toxins from the body, hence weight loss) so the weight loss should be a side effect rather than a main focus. I think my problem was I was trying to do it too often and then it turned into just an "excuse" to binge, or as a penalty for bingeing. I think I am going to focus on not bingeing, and just go back to fasting once or twice a year as a cleanse. It's also a very spiritual experience. I've been interested in it for many years, and done it regularly, always with great benefits to my health (except for the times, as I said, when I've done it for the wrong reason). You know, one of the reasons I feel so much shame and guilt about my binge/anorexia is that I am very health conscious and I eat very healthy except for this problem, and people who know me would never guess that I have a junk food binge problem...I guess I feel a lot of pressure to hide it because they would be so flabbergasted if they knew, and it would be so embarrassing. I guess also it makes me feel so disappointed in myself that I know so much about nutrition, and in my heart I always know what is best and want my body to be healthy, and yet I am a slave to this disorder, and I know for a fact that if I weren't, and were able to just enjoy a small treat once in awhile, I'd be at my perfect weight instead of 15 lbs bigger. you know, it's frustrating.
Aw that sucks that you had a bad exam, I hate when that happens! Like you I've always been a straight-A-occasional-B student and yeah, I got 72% on my microbiology midterm in my 2nd yr and I was so devastated. BUT you have to remember that it's only a midterm, there are other things that can bring up your mark, like assignments and of course, the final (grimace! lol!) my point is, it's not the end of the world, I ended up getting an A+ at the end of that course anyway, and sometimes the prof is a dickhead and doesn't give out A's I hate the ones like that! My molecular genetics prof was like that, it was so aggravating! anyways ladies, I'm rambling here so I better end this epistle.
Do take care everyone, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers :)
love April
I'm reading a book called "Hope for Wholeness" written by a NB author. She actually saw the same councilor for a bit that I am seeing. That is where I found the reference for Job. Good book...but mostly about depression, with only one chapter about Ed. Anyway, I find it comforting....so I'm just putting it out there!
ReplyDelete