Ugh. I thought I could fight this today, but I am weak and he is strong, too strong for me today. If Rihanna goes back to a man who beats her, what chance do the rest of us have at leaving our abusive relationships? (I understand domestic abuse doesn't necessarily compare to disordered eating and many people may not understand the comparisson, but the book Life Without Ed explains the similarities quite nicely).
Why do I feel that eating myself sick into a food coma is actually going to make me feel better? I can't think of anything in my life that could actually feel worse than I physically feel right now.
It started out as a good day. I had planned to detox after yesterday. I went to bed with the intent to do a juice cleanse, however, I woke up hungry and thought "this is a new day, restricting will only make me vulnerable". So I went about my day counting points and grazing throughout the day. I started to fall around dinner time when I spotted leftover trifle in the fridge, where I ate out of the pan. Then for dinner, made myself a plate of veggies and rice (note I wasn't allowed chicken after having eaten desert before dinner). But then after supper, I finished off the trifle (I honestly thought I could have just a taste), and then it was game on - deja vu.
So I ate more PB than I think I've ever eaten in a setting (I'm dreading having to justify this to my parents if it comes up), ice cream, cookies, chocolate (which I will say was leftover from my brother's binge on the weekend when he was home, how do I know? It was hidden under his bad), frozen coffee cake, and probably the worst of all, I actually made up a small bowl of icing to eat. That's right. I made icing. If that's not hitting rock bottom, I don't know what is.
So I'm back to where I was 24 hours ago. My stomach feels like shit, I hate myself, I'm feeling very jittery, my teeth actually feel like they're aching from all the sugar, and I am in for another long night. Doing this pretty much ruins any chance of concentrating on school work because now all I think about is how sick I feel. I don't know why this is 2 days in a row, I was doing so well, DAMMIT!!! This sucks.
What are you all saying tonight? How was the weekend? Better than mine I hope.
:( *N
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I haven't been doing well at all. I'm super bummed about it. Blah. I don't even know what to say about it.
ReplyDeleteI know, what can you say...
ReplyDeleteAw, I feel so bad for you.**hugs** I know exactly how you feel. Completely rotten in the stomach and down on yourself about it, and then wondering Why do I do this to myself when I know full well what it does to me?
ReplyDeleteWell, try not to be down on yourself. You are going through a lot of stress right now, with school, your medical tests and stuff. Stress can make a person prone to bingeing, at least it does for me. You're just going through a rough spot, don't worry, it will pass.
As for me, I'm kind of disappointed that I messed up my day-count again, I made it to 11 days of not bingeing and not eating any crap food at all, and then I ate some bad stuff :( I ate 9 Two-Bite brownies, 3/4 of a KitKat bar, 3 Reese's peanut butter cups, and 2 pieces of carrot cake without the icing. Not good :(
Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it. It was weird, because normally when I binge, it's with a "oh my god I've GOT to have it NOW and eat like there's no tomorrow" mentality; and this time it was more like I was bingeing just out of habit, like, oh it's been quite a while, I think I need to binge. You know? How stupid is that? It just bothers me because 11 days is seriously the longest I've gone in pretty much the entire year, and then I messed up.
Anyways, nothing I can do about it but start my count over. Day 4 again today.
Take care, please be gentle with yourself, I know it's hard but remember the sugar acts as a depressant as well making you think things are worse than they are. They'll get better :) You can do it! Remember YOU are in control, not the junk food. love, April
Aww, thanks so much April (it's funny you would say *hugs* because I was just thinking to myself how much I am in need of a hug, haha).
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your 11 days! That is amazing, I am proud of you! I know it's not a good feeling, knowing that you went so long and then messed up, but like my counsellor says, try and focus on the success of lasting 11 days, not the 1 moment of losing control (easier said than done, I know).
Interesting you would say you binged out of habit, almost as if it is just so normal to do it, and not doing it is the scary part... which I absolutely identify with.
That's a good attitude though, knowing to start over and not get hung up on having lost it once.
Thanks so much for your comforting words, we can BOTH do this!
xo
Rough morning at work, so I binged, worse afternoon at work, binged more. I feel awful :S :(
ReplyDeleteUgh, I'm sorry to hear that, JJ. But I've been there.
ReplyDeleteHow is treatment going for you? Have you met with a dietician? I would be interested in hearing about that if you have been...
I haven't yet met with a dietician. I have a friend who is a dietic intern, so I'm trying to decide if I want to "see" her or if i want to get a referral to someone I don't know. I should make the decision by tonight and know tomorrow which way I want to go with it. _sigh_ I will for sure keep you guys posted with everything I learn when I start seeing him/her.
ReplyDeleteooh, tough choice. If it were me, I would rather see someone anonymously. I'm sure your friend would be professional and not disclose your problems to others but I feel I can be more candid with strangers myself (hence the online blog). But on the other hand if she is a close friend, it can be good to have her support both professionally and personally. Good luck in your decision!
ReplyDeletexo