Journalling and Normalcy

So I met with ~M~ today, it was a very productive session. I feel so empowered. About 25 minutes into our session I was updating her on the last 2 weeks and all my highs and lows regarding my eating, and she said that she was hearing a lot about the food and not enough about how I was feeling when I was binging or overeating. She tells me all the time that it isn't about the food, and I know that. So we talked a little bit about my feelings and she made a suggestion to me, that since mentally identifying them is not working for me, for me to take 10 minutes when I get home from school/work and journal so I can visually see how I am feeling and visually identify what could trigger me to binge/overeat.

We've already identified that I do this at home when I am alone. I am not one to go to McDonald's and order a bunch of Big Macs to consume and feel guilty about (finally, being a poor student is helping me!), it is when I am home, usually in the evenings that I do this. Her theory is that if I can identify my feelings and visually look at them on paper I will know when I am feeling vulnerable to binging, which will hopefully prevent me from doing so. So I am going to give that a try for two weeks (when I see her next).

Another thing I mentioned during my session was how I commented to my mother last week about how I don't know how to eat like a normal person. How do "normal" people eat food without obsessively calculating point first or stopping eating when they are actually full? I will be honest, I am not usually a fan of the word normal when it comes to a lot of things because we all have our own variations of what we celebrate and recognize as normal. But for once, I would like to know how to eat like a normal person and not worry about tracking points, overeating or eating as a coping mechanism to feeling lonely/sad/isolated/etc.

In terms of this being a coping mechanism, she stressed that this is an addiction, and for me it happens to be food. For many people it is alcohol, drugs, smoking, gambling or whatever it happens to be. And I can't hear enough people say that they recognize binging or eating is an addiction because I truly believe that it is, but I don't feel that enough people do because food is supposed to be good for you, unlike drugs or alcohol. But I've sidetracked slightly. What I was getting at was that I want to feel normal (whatever that is), and she had just the thing for me, which I will include below. This was taken from How to Get Your Kid to Eat... But Not Too Much by Ellyn Satter:

Normal Eating

Normal eating is being able to eat when you are hungry and continue eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it... not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to use some moderate constraint on your food selection, to get the right food, but NOT being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat out sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

I think this article has a lot of good insight into what's "normal" and indicates that normal will be different for everyone, but also that everyone slips up now and then, and that normal is not restricting and can be enjoying food. I am going to make my best effort to understand this over the next two weeks and hopefully live by it in my attempts to become normal. Maybe this can be my tool for fighting ED. This and my journalling. I am getting ready for a fight but my weapons will be this article and writing down my feelings when I come home, and his will be sugar, peanut butter and chocolate. I know with this ammunition and your support, I can be stronger than him. And so can you. I hope some of you will consider some of what I said and even join me in this. I know this isn't easy but we are stronger than him, I know we are.

xo

*N