Today was a great day, a day where I felt in control for a change. I, not ED was in control. I was at work for the day and while it was a super busy day, I kept my feelings in check and did not even feel vulnerable to his temptations today. You might even say I lived the day of a normal eater.
I am proud of myself for having breakfast before work today. Perhaps this doesn't sound like anything amazing to you, but one of his restrictive rules usually keeps me from eating before 9:30am. Why, you ask? I am generally a morning person and I usually like to workout before I start my day at school and on the weekends. I don't generally eat before I workout because I can't work out on a full stomach (not good, I know), but it gives me stomach cramps otherwise... so anyway, somewhere along the way I decided that I couldn't eat before working out, and he took it a step further by saying I couldn't eat before this time (usually when I finish my workouts) even on days that I don't workout because then I use up too many points too early in the day (I hope I've explained this ok...). But considering this "normal eating" concept I am trying to live and understand, I was hungry this morning at 8am so thought I would have a little something small before work (usually I wouldn't eat breakfast at work until between 10-11am). So I made myself some toast and jam, and dammit, it was good! Not only that but my stomach wasn't grumbling for the next 2 hours or so. Could this Ellen Satter be onto something? Eating when you are hungry? And not only that, but it is normal to do this? I feel so... liberated, or did today anyway. From there it only got better.
Another one of his rules is a breakdown of when I am allowed to consume a set number of WW points. Under these rules, i would not usually have more that 3 points before lunchtime. But I had already broken one rule (toast/jam), and not only that but by the time breakfast was said and done had consumed 4 points, before lunchtime! And I came across a piece of chocolate in the office, nothing huge, just a small piece that came in a courier package today from one of our suppliers. So I ate it at 11:30. So here I was before lunch and had broken two rules already. And trying to be normal, I felt zero guilt. Could this be what normal people feel like?
I ate my lunch as planned and then came the box of Tim Hortons donuts in the back office during the afternoon. I kind of wanted one, or thought I might, but to be honest I don't even really like their donuts (I've had a hard time enjoying them since they moved from the fresh to frozen baked goods several years ago). Under the binge regime I would have had one if not more out of obligation (to him) just because they were easy access. But today I said no and not to restrict myself, not to punish myself for breaking rules earlier in the day but because I don't even really like them and didn't anticipate enjoying them (did I really just say that? About a desert food?)
So I carried on with my day and went to Subway for supper out of convenience because I had a lot of errands to run after work and needed something quick and that was good too, I even ate the chips that came with the meal (Baked Lays, but still), to which I came home and had a small cup of pudding. All this and not managing to exceed my daily points allotment by more than 3 points. Interesting. Looking back over my day I had a lot of food today and enjoyed most of it, with no guilt! The big thing here for me, is no guilt. If this is what normal eating is all about, I could definitely reacquaint myself with this concept.
I know I probably sound like a changed person here, and I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I just feel so good, a lot better than I've felt in a long time. Today was a great day :)
I am in for tough times ahead though, I know every day will not be like this (but one can dream) and I am in for a long weekend and week given midterms and projects, all the while dealing with this, and I'm sure the coming weeks will not be easy, but I feel like I can do it. I hope I can. Because today was awesome. And I hope I could share some of this awesomeness with you or inspire you to have an awesome day like mine. How was your day?
xo *N
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hey everyone :)
ReplyDeleteJJ I'm so sorry to hear that things are rough with you lately, anything you want to talk about, we are here for you. if not just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you for good wishes!
N, congrats!!! I'm so proud of you! and I TOTALLY know the way you feel about breakfast, because it is the same for me. I also work out in the morning and don't eat until after (but I think that's a good thing, because I get stomach problems if I try to exercise on a full stomach, and it's important to listen to your body). My ED voice tells me I am not allowed to eat until 12 and only then just fruit (I hope that made sense) and that's how it's been for me for years and years, I have tea or coffee in the morning and drink water and then eat maybe a couple of apples until 3 in the afternoon and then have just a liquid shake. Horrible, really, not good for the metabolism at all. But lately, as I mentioned, I have been eating a really healthy breakfast and lunch, and I know it's the right thing to do. I'm so glad you managed to eat breakfast! Maybe from now on you could try to eat it at this earlier time in the morning, I bet you'd feel really good doing that.
Yes, I am not going to focus on the scale numbers that much. I just thought it was astounding that I lost weight by EATING haha.
Take care of yourself this weekend, good luck with all the studying! :)
xoxo
Oh and I meant to ask you, how do your weight watchers Points work? Is there any way I could find out how to do it without having to pay for a membership? it might be something that would be helpful for me to do.
ReplyDeleteok cheers, God bless xoxo
It's so obvious too! People have been saying it for years, a good breakfast is the way to start your day, they might have been onto something, haha. I even had toast before the gym this morning because I was hungry, 2 days a row! Wow.
ReplyDeleteI think I have your email, I will email you some info about WW, I don't want to put too much info on here about it because I don't want this to seem to commercial, haha.
Talk soon!
Hey girls (and any guys who are reading but not commenting) :)
ReplyDeleteI've been having a really tough little bit. Work and life has been stressful. I have a deep depression that goes along with my Ed, so that's been getting to me lately too.
Up until last night, I had just given up fighting him. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I was eating what ever I wanted and not feeling guilty about it. .... but, really I did feel guilty, I just was telling myself I wasn't.
Last night I did a week plan...including meals and gym times. I even took into account the times this week that I have to eat out...and planned for them.
I've put off over and over again calling my dr. for the referral....I'm scared of judgement...which is silly...she's a doctor...a good doctor...but, here I am...full of shame.
Anyway, yeah, so Eds getting the best of me while using my depression to his advantage. I'm hoping and pryaing for a better week this week.
J
Hey JJ
ReplyDeleteI've never been officially diagnosed with depression but I know I must have some form of it, something that goes hand in hand with this because when I do this, I feel aweful, so I empathize with you when you say that.
That's great that you did a plan up for the week, maybe that structure will help you to stay on track?
Please don't be afraid of judgement, I let go of that with ~M~ and it is amazing how much she gets it and it is great I can be so honest with her. If you feel like your doc is being judgemental you should consider another one.
I hope that you have a better week too, let me know how tomorrow goes for you!
xo