I feel like shit. Surprise, surprise, I ate too much.
Yesterday was a good day, you might even say a great day. I ate pretty good, and even allowed myself to have a small treat yesterday evening so I wouldn't go to bed hungry. I woke up in relatively good spirits, which turned out to be short lived when I went to the gym. I thought I should weigh myself since I hadn't officially done that since before Christmas (I couldn't have gained that much weight, right?). Wrong. If I thought I was feeling bad before about this whole disordered eating, then this was about to make it worse. Over the last few months I have noticed my clothes were staring to fell a little tighter, but what could I do about it? Anyway, I weighed myself and to my dismay, have gained 12lbs since December 18. WTF?!?!?!?! I can't believe it, I was so disappointed to see that. I remember joking at the time, because it was right around the time of my 25th birthday, that I should get glamour shots or something showing off my body (since I had lost 20lbs since the summertime when I started officially on Weight Watchers) and thought I may never look this good again. Good foreshadowing on my part, I should have known not to be cocky about my success because here I am 3 months later, 12 lbs heavier with cute little clothes that don't fit. So needless to say this set the tone for my day.
I did a pretty intense workout at the gym, ate moderately at school today, came home and ran on the treadmill, and then got ready for this family party I wasn't sure if I would attend last week because I anticipated temptations. But I ended up going, and I even tried to take proactive steps to fight him. For example, before I left my house, I ate cereal and toast so I wouldn't be ravishingly hungry by the time I got there. But he laughed at my attempts and once I got there, he was in control.
Dinner started out pretty harmless. I started out with lots of fruit and veggies and even had a sandwich, of which I stripped of any cheese and other condiments. Then it started with a few potato chips, which led to a lot of potato chips, cashews (mmm....), dips, hummus, everything in sight. Then it was time for desert. How I managed to get a fifth of the 8" cake I still don't know (someone else cut it, I swear!), but rather than share it with someone, I ate it all. It was my kind of thing too, this chocolaty/caramel/fudge conglomerate of goodness. After this I polished off two small slivers of sheet cake, under the disappointing glare of my father (this was embarrassing because I know he was screaming at me in his mind for me to stop). I think you might consider my eating tonight somewhat of a public binge because I just had to have something in my mouth at all times, it was so bad, but it felt so good at the time. So this was game on and I was fantasizing about what I would have when I got home since my parents weren't supposed to be coming right home, but it turned out they did. I managed to get away with eating Cool Whip out of the container, a granola bar, pudding mixed with peanut butter (what?) and some ice cream. And I want more but I am getting pretty tired so luckily tiredness wins tonight (well, not really a win now that I reread that...).
So tomorrow I'm back at day 1. He got a good laugh over my attempts to be stronger than him, he's still leaning over my shoulder laughing at me. This is getting so discouraging, I feel like I just keep writing the same things over and over - I do good and I'm happy, I do bad and I'm sad... I am glad to be meeting with my counsellor tomorrow. For the sake of this blog I will call her ~M~. I really feel like I need to chat, I don't know how long I can keep this up, it is both mentally and physically exhausting. On top of all this, I hate myself for having gained this weight in a short amount of time, it seems like it took a lot longer to come off. I know my thyroid has something to do with it - having an under active thyroid slows you metabolism but it doesn't make me binge, which is what I need to learn to control and I know once I can control what I put in my mouth, everything else will fall into place.
Anyways, wish me luck tomorrow. I hope you are all doing better than me.
xo
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Good Luck!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the cloths not fitting. It is an awful feeling to look at a closet full of cloths and know that about 1/4 of them fit you. :S
I need to get back to going to the gym. I use to feel so good about myself after a good work out. Life just gets busy.....and that is so just an excuse...but, that's my style I guess.
I'm a little sad that your dad seemed to be being judgemental. I'm sure he was just trying to help you....but, judgement does not help. Gentle support helps.
I'm travelling all day with my boss, so there will not be any binging...and hopfully I can avoid over eating as well. I'll end up having subway for lunch....I guess I should plann in adavance what to order so that I don't get tempted by the m&m choc. chip cookies...MMMMMM.
Aw N that sucks, I know exactly how you feel, and not much I can say will make you feel better, so here's just a hug :) Not much I know, but what can you do, you did your best, and at least try to give yourself credit for trying. You had quite a few successful days before this, so you know, that is good!
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you on how you feel after weighing yourself. I have been there SO many times, up and down in a circle, after bingeing for awhile I'd weigh myself and find I'd gained 10-15 lbs and feel like shit about myself. It completely ruined my day, every time I do badly I feel shitty, just like you said.
Eating disorders are the devil to try and fight, remember that. It doesn't happen overnight, and it takes a lot of dedication. you can do it. Talking with your counsellor will help for sure. Getting back into regular workouts will also make you feel better, thanks to those wonderful endorphins! :) Stay strong.
As for me, I'm on day 13 now and have no idea how I got this far. I feel like I could cave at any moment, but I am determined to get better and beat this damn ED! I have also made the decision to visit my dr and ask for help with it, I need professional help, like a counsellor, ED specialist, heck even meeting with a dietician would REALLY help me since my body has no idea what a normal meal is anymore :( I've abused my poor body so badly with this ED for years and I don't want to fight like this anymore. I'm at the point now where I'm tired, so tired, of fighting and losing, and I believe that if I have help, I can fight it and make it a winning battle instead of a losing one. that would give me great comfort and hope. All I want is to be healthy, and FREE from this monster that controls my thoughts. I cannot live this hell anymore.
The sad thing is, the only reason I haven't gotten help before, is because I have been too ashamed to open my mouth to the dr and ASK. That's all. Silly really, and tragic because I know there are professionals in this city who can help me, and it's up to me to get help. So I am going to take a deep breath and ask my dr. The only thing is that I am going to wait until things settle down a bit financially for me; I am between jobs right now and need to find a job and that will release some of this money-worry that I have right now, and then I will be able to totally concentrate on getting help with the ED. The main thing is, my decision to ask for help has been made. I feel really good about that.
Thanks for the support JJ, I think it is a good idea to try and plan ahead especially if you think you could be vulnerable to binging today. Be strong, and I want to hear how your day went!
ReplyDeletexo
Thanks April, and you are right, I can't be too hard on myself given the success of the past days I have had.
ReplyDeleteI hate this up and down thing with my wieght, it is so idscouraging especially when you have reminders of your thinner days hanging in your closet still.
13 days is amazing, give yourself some credit for making it this long, that is so good! That's about 2 weeks! That's a long time in ED years!
I know what you eman about tired of fighting this losing battle and not being able to feel normal. I am going to post something later from my counselling session today which I think will be useful.
And good for you for recognizing the need for help. It's too bad you are between jobs now and need to wait, but knowing that you are going to do this for yourself is a smart move. Are there any services available to the public at any universities around where you live that you might be able to get free advice from nutrition students or anything?
xo
Today was so odd. First..I started my period...so I was craving awful food and was hungry all day.
ReplyDeleteEnded up getting lunch at a gas station....okay choice...turkey wrap and crackers. Really, all day did okay.
BUT THEN.... I got back to Moncton from NS....and went directly to the grocrey store...and bought a box of cookies and a big bag of chips. I've just put the stuff away and ate 4/5 of the chips and 1/2 the cookies. _sigh_
Now...on a upside....my mom is doing the simply for life program and is going to help me plan a mean plan for the next week or so. I'm going to try really hard to stick to it. Lets see how it goes!!!!! :)
How'd your session with ~M~ go today?
Aww, sorry to hear that, JJ, it sounds like you did good up until the grocery store. Are you able to think about how you were feeling that made you go there? ~M~ is a big advocate of identifying feelings which can help identify triggers that avoid binging. My session with her was really good yesterday (see new post).
ReplyDeleteI have heard a lot of great things about Simply For Life, I will be interested in hearing how you do with that. I am not overly familiar with it though, how does it work?
xo