Surviving Vulnerability

My apologies again for taking so long to write, I am getting pretty overwhelmed with school right now, and I am not feeling like myself lately. But here is a recap of the last few days.

Thursday night I was feeling weak, he had come for me. But I have been feeling so good lately. I found myself with the peanut butter jar in hand, and don't know how, but was able to snap out of the "zone" and put it back, without having binged. It wasn't easy. I had been watching TV with my mom and during a commercial break found myself with the jar in hand. I had to go to bed at that point because I knew it would be the beginning of the end. It sucks that he controlled me to the fact that he ruined my evening with my mom, but I was glad I was able to separate myself from him and say no.

As I identified two weeks ago with my counsellor, my vulnerable times are my rejection/abandonment periods, and I had lots of that on the weekend. I had started out earlier in last week worried about going out on Friday night with some co-workers and how I might end the night by binging or even overeating with them, having taken in too many drinks. Well, I didn't have to worry about that because the evening was cancelled by Friday morning. And I was feeling pretty down about it when I went home Friday night - I had made alternate plans to just watch TV and feel sorry for myself, but ended up going out for a little while with some other friends (pretty casual, home by 11pm). I hadn't felt too down about it though, because I had plans to go out with my brother the following night, so I thought. So I was able to resist temptation, Friday night, but it wasn't easy.

Then, it was Saturday night. And my brother cancelled on me last minute (again), to go out with some other friends. Not cool, but whatever, I'm just his sister, don't really matter anyway. So I drowned my sorrow in a DQ Treatzza Pizza. I won't say that I binged though, or even overate because where I follow the Weight Watchers plan, I hadn't really eaten anything all week, and had been saving up points for the weekend anyways, so enjoyed eating nearly half of the TP (I know the lines are blurry over whether or not this was in fact binging or overeating. My dad, having caught me eating so much of it, thought I was doing something wrong but given I had stuck to the diet plan all week, I don't consider this bad behaviour).

But then Sunday night came, and this is where the lines definitely blur. Having been dealing with my family emergency all week, my mother has been doing lots of baking, despite my best efforts to encourage her not to. And Sunday she made a carrot cake. I was on my way out the door with the intent to take over the other half of the TP to my bf's house where we would finish it and it would be out of my temptation site, but sure enough, my brother had nearly polished off the rest of it, having come home the night before drunk at 4am. And that's where I lost it. Since I couldn't have the cake I budgeted for since it was near gone, I had carrot cake. I don't even know how much because I just sat there in a cloudy haze eating sliver after sliver until I heard someone walking into the kitchen where I put it away and realized what I had done - what he had done to me. I had binged on the cake. After two weeks - 14 days of "sobriety", I had fallen. But not as hard as I had fallen in the past. It stopped with the cake, where it could have turned into a free for all. So I was able to exercise some self-control, he had gotten the best of me.

So it was a bittersweet fall for me. On one hand, it was only carrot cake in two weeks of beating him (I went two LONG weeks without binging or overeating), but on the other hand, I had fallen after two weeks for carrot cake (which I don't even really like, to be honest).

So once again, I've RESET as of yesterday. I'm back on the diet plan, consuming the bare minimum of WW points per day. As I sit here writing this, I'm actually very hungry, but I'm being punished for my bad behaviour on Sunday and cannot go over my daily minimum points. So while Ed's binge/overeating controls are getting easier to fight, I'm still battling his restrictive controls which are just as hard.

I'm meeting with my counsellor tomorrow, again, is greatly needed. I've got a lot to talk about. I hope you all are doing well. I will try to post after my session tomorrow.

xo *N

10 Days and Counting

I can't believe I've made it this long without binging. I feel like something has changed in me, whether it was my last counselling session, telling my parents, I really don't know, but I feel like I'm out of the funky haze that was keeping me down and letting him into my life (ironic given the negative things in my life right now - see below).

I have a close relative in the hospital right now, and it is honestly not looking good at this point. I have spent a lot of time in the hospital over the last few days and have found myself at the mercy of convenience food. But rather than nourish my body with food, I have not been able to eat in these circumstances, which is likely setting me up for a big fall. Wrong, I know, and this is another one of his controls that he has over me. But I feel at this point it is more important not to binge rather than to fight his restrictions, so I will take it as it comes and deal with one thing at a time.

I believe I may have mentioned earlier about having an under active thyroid, which is making me susceptible to weight gain (not a good thing under the best of circumstances, but for one with a distorted relationship with food to begin with makes it very hard). I have been going in for medical tests over the last few weeks and have never had so much blood taken in my life, I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion. My test results are coming back with confusing results to my doctor, so she is hesitant to put me on any meds (which will assist in regulating my appetite and metabolism, among other things if I ever get them). So in addition to everything, I am trying to work through this right now.

I think it is weird under these circumstances that I haven't felt the need to binge, because it is something so comforting, so familiar to me. Maybe it is stressing me out and taking away the urge. Whatever it is, I am glad for it.

I have a big night out on the town tomorrow night, which I am not looking forward to because I am afraid Ed is planning on coming along or greeting me at the door once I get home from a night of drinking in a depressive state. I am going to do my best to resist him, because I am proud of myself for surviving this long without him. But he knows I will be vulnerable at this time. After reading that, I see how he still does have control - my first thought isn't about going out to have some much needed fun, but that I'm going to eat too much tomorrow, hmmm...

So that is about my life in a nutshell right now. I hope everyone else is doing ok. I haven't heard from anyone in a while, so I hope people out there are doing ok. My thoughts are with you all, as we try and work through this.

xo *N

RESTART - Week 1

Wow. I officially made it one whole week without binging on food. I would not say I survived the week without overeating though, I do differentiate between the two. The main contrast for me between the two, is whether or not the eating is by myself.

An example of my binging would be discussed in most of my entries: loss of control around food; eating lots of "food" in a set period of time, which I put in quotations because a lot of my binging is on sweet, desert type things - peanut butter, chocolate, deserts, cookie dough, etc; in other words "worth it" foods - never real food.

For me overeating would be maybe eating too much food in the presence of others or eating "real food", for example eating 2 or 3 servings of something rather than 1, or eating a 3 course meal rather than one. This isn't something I do a lot. I don't feel the need to overeat because it doesn't matter to me whether or not I have an extra slice of pizza, what matters is just gorging on peanut butter, cookie dough, muffin/cake batter, deserts, anything sweet. I often overeat at restaurants (buffets in particular, which I try and avoid).

So the reason I differentiate between the two is because I feel as though I overate on the weekend. Being Valentine's Day, my bf and I celebrated over lots of yummy food, and having polished off a bottle of wine, my judgement wasn't great that evening, but I resisted the urge to binge, and trust me, it was there. Specifically last night, having planned out my food for the day and eaten everything, I thought I had an alright week, but then wanted rice cakes around 11pm, and what goes better with rice cakes than peanut butter? So I ate these rice cakes with more peanut butter than I should have, but since it wasn't in my meal plan, I feel as though this was overeating (none of it was in secret, but in the company of my bf), and I had it spread pretty high on those rice cakes. But I am sticking to my feelings - I didn't binge, just overate.

So, like I've said before, it's all about baby steps I guess. While I didn't binge last week, I overate on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe this week I can go without binging and overeating (although I have a drinking night planned for Friday Night with some co-workers, which has me worried). And I wasn't without Ed's Valentine's seductions as I did want to binge at least twice over the week, and he wouldn't let me eat real pizza on Friday, but I survived his strongest temptation, which is to binge. I am feeling pretty good about the week ahead.

I hope you all had a good weekend and managed to survive the Valentine's Temptations, because I know they were everywhere.

xo *N

Why Do You Binge?

Since having a seemingly breakthrough session with my counsellor, I think I might be binging out of loneliness. Time will tell if this is the case and through knowing this if I can fight him when he comes to me.

Why do you think you binge? I urge you to think about it, I know it has provided some clarity and power for me to know this. Feel free to post your reasons, I think through doing so, we will see that we aren't so different.

Best of luck to you!

*N

The Pre-Valentine's Battle: *N 1 - Ed 1

So I have gone 5 consecutive days without binging or overeating, and I feel fantastic. But I will say, yesterday was NOT easy. In celebration of Valentine's Day, one of the girls from work brought in lots of Valentine's Day candy, all the good stuff too - lots of chocolate. So one day a week I work as a receptionist and it seems whenever we have treats brought into the office they sit at the front reception desk (my desk), because that is where all the staff hang out on their free time.

In the past I've tried moving treats out of site, but they always get put back. So I sat there yesterday not concentrating on my work, but thinking about eating the chocolate: how many I could have, how many points in each one, etc. It was torturous. But I am happy to say that I survived the day while only consuming 4 chocolates (you may consider this giving into him, but on the "diet" plan I follow, which counts points, I allowed myself to do so). Through allowing myself to have chocolate, I felt that it would help me from binging on them if I could feel satisfied through having a few. However, by the end of the day, I felt so drained from arguing back and forth with him in my head. But I do feel as though I beat him yesterday... sort of.

He won out in the sense that he didn't let me proceed with my plans of ordering pizza for a movie night. Instead since I had eaten the chocolate yesterday (6 points worth), I had to forgo ordering pizza, instead making my own low fat pizza (not a bad dinner, but not the one I was looking forward to eating all week). But I didn't binge, and to me that was more important than not eating the pizza. So it was a point for both of us yesterday. So it is going to be a long weekend - today being Valentine's Day, we are celebrating with two big meals today and tomorrow, but since meeting with my counsellor and now knowing and believing that it isn't about the food for me, I think I can come out of this weekend having spent my time with my boyfriend rather than Ed.

One of these men loves me, the other loves controlling me. One wants me to be happy, the other wants to be happy at my expense. I know which one to choose this weekend, I hope that I will be strong enough to allow myself to be romanced by only one this weekend.

Happy Valentine's Day

xo *N

It's Not About Food

My apologies for not writing in a few days, my laptop has been down (for a new computer, I have had more problems with it than I think it' s worth).


So I met with my counsellor on Wednesday, and it was a ground breaking session for me. All along she's been telling me that it's not about the food, and I was hearing her words, but not really understanding them or relating to them. After I spilled my last two weeks, all the ups and the downs, she asked me once again, "Why are you doing this? What are you using food to medicate?", and suggested a few reasons, and hit the nail on the head when she said loneliness. Several times in passing, it had come up every now and then that I had a longing for female companionship - I have an amazing boyfriend who puts up with more shit from me than I would ever put up with from him, I have a great relationship with my parents, and two pretty close friends, one of whom knows about this, the other of whom has a lot of her own problems to deal with, but this is really where any social life ends for me.

Over the last year, I have gone through the process of "divorcing" my high school girlfriends, as we had really just grown apart and realized we weren't 17 any more and didn't have much in common. That had been hard on me, but since that time I have found myself feeling lonely, without some girls in my life to act silly with, go shopping, dancing, do regular girly things with. And it's nothing I had given much thought to in terms of "eating", but when my counsellor asked if I was feeling lonely in my life, I lost it. I mean, we are talking crocodile tears, I felt so inconsolable, sad, embarrassed and lonely.


When I go to these sessions with her, I always get really sad talking about my food problems, but I have never reacted so strongly in my sessions with her as I had when this came up. And the more I thought about it, a lot of times I gave into the binge over the last few months had been times I had felt lonely or rejected by people in my life.

A big one that comes to mind was over the Christmas holidays when I had plans to hang out with my brother for the evening (whom I don't see much since he is away at university through the year), and he broke these plans last minute to hang out with friends he hadn't seen in like a year or so. I had been annoyed at the time and was mad at him, and he didn't seem to care. How did I end up spending the night? Eating, and eating big (Christmas break, lots of food in the house at this time of year). I remember at the time just feeling so disposable, like my feelings didn't matter to him, I was so sad.

Then I can think back to a few weeks ago when some friends cancelled plans for a girls night out on the town, and how did I spend that night? Eating. How did I deal when I was stood up to go out with colleagues a few weeks back? I ate to feel better. Upon reflection, eating is how I feel better about myself. So maybe when people break plans, it is innocent to them, maybe they have busy social lives and cancelling plans with me is so minuscule in their lives, but I do feel hurt when this happens. But why does it happen? This is what I want to know. I feel I am a kind person, I would never talk about someone behind their back, I can be shy at times, I don't understand why I am so disposable to people around me. There has to be something about me... and I said that to my counsellor and she said something to the effect like we attract what we put out to the world, so if I view myself as disposable or not worthy of other people, than others will view me the same way. I wonder if that is true, or maybe there is something wrong with me.

It is definitely some food for thought (no pun intended), but I feel through this last meeting, more than ever, it is not about the food for me. And I feel that since this last meeting with her on Wednesday, I am better equipped to fight him when he comes for me, and yesterday he came (see new post).

*N

Day 2

So I think it is safe to say I survived a second day without a binge (although anything could happen between now and when I go home, but I am optimistic). I feel different - good different - in that I am confident I can do this. Until the weekend at least when I am vulnerable to lack of structure. I am a very structured and regimented person in my day-to-day life, which I feel is what keeps me in check during the week. I think it is the freedom and lack of structure on the weekends which is what causes me to binge. I am afraid for February Break coming up next week, when I will have a week filled with opportunity to binge, although binging won't be easy since a lot has been removed from my house. But my counsellor says if an addict wants something bad enough, they will find a way to get it.

I am meeting with her tomorrow, and I need it so badly. It was two long weeks ago today that I last saw her, and I can't believe how much has happened in that time. I binged the very day I saw her, convinced I was a new me, ready to leave binging behind forever. Then I made it a straight 8 days without binging, and when I fell, I fell hard (4 day "bender" anyone?). So now I am back to taking it one day at a time. Today was a hard day, as all I thought about was food. I have a bad habit of going into the cafeteria and just looking at "what could be", or strolling through the grocery store and salivating over bakery items. A bad habit, I know, because it just encourages bad thoughts and behaviour. But in spite of this, I made it through today without over eating or binging. But all I am thinking about now is eating. But I can't. I won't. The day is almost over, I can do this.

So last night was my "intervention". I haven't been so embarrassed to talk with my parents since I was 8 and they wanted to have "the talk", but they insisted (one of the pitfalls of being a 25 year old student living with her parents - they still think they own you). For the most part it was "tell us about it", "how did it get to this", "how can we help", etc.

I did my best to tell them about my controlling relationship with food, feeling lack of control around food, and how food consumes most of my thoughts in the run of a day (what I've eaten, when I've eaten, when I will eat next, etc.). I was careful to sensor the dark side of it (trying to purge, feelings of sadness, self loathing/hatred afterwards, crying/punching my stomach, etc.) since they took the first part hard enough. I didn't feel the need to divulge this part to them because it is what I am working through with my counsellor (and at least for now the trying to purge and punching has stopped, namely because I realized I can't make myself throw up, it is a losing battle, and the punching was a short-lived thing pre-Christmas, and would likely get me treatment for more than just disordered eating).

So they were pretty supportive and wanting to help where they could. They agreed to stop keeping temptations around the house and my mother agreed to stop baking when she gets bored, which will be a HUGE help, because this is very common at my house. And they agreed to stop buying things because they are on sale (i.e. discount candy after the holidays, hello chocolate dipped sugar cookies they are saving for a rainy day). And they were serious about it too. I went to get some peanut butter to put on some rice cakes, with no intention to binge on it, but it would turn out, my mother has hidden that on me. Kind of embarrassing, I know, but it is probably for the best, at least for now when this is still new for them and will help me as I try and get through this week.

They had suggestions for helping me as well, like calling them or talking to them, even waking them up if I get the urge, which is sweet, although I don't know that I will because I would hate to do that.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I wouldn't say I binged during the day, I definitely overate at supper (turkey dinner, desert), but everything went pretty good. Except for the fact that I knew I needed one last fling to end the "perfect weekend with him". So while I promised my parents I wouldn't, it was an empty promise from the beginning, because I knew I had to have one more wild tryst. After all, they hadn't gotten rid of everything yet. So I was WAITING for them to go to bed, and no sooner did I hear them go to bed, was I downstairs, rummaging through the freezer and I found some frozen coffee cakes (in case you're wondering why I do a lot of my binging out of the freezer, my mother buys most things in bulk, she loves a good deal on things, so we have lots of frozen goodies readily available, which she promises to work on for me). So I finished it off with a chocolate bar and 100 calorie snack pack, a mini-binge compared to what I'm used to, but a binge nonetheless. I knew I shouldn't, especially after that conversation, but I had to have it, for one last time with him. When I awoke this morning and my mother asked about my night, I felt bad lying to her, but sometimes what you don't know can't hurt you, right?

So all in all, today was a good day. I haven't binged and hope not to, although I have promised myself one small treat before bed. By allowing myself to have treats through the week I am hoping this will stop the urge to binge, if I am not always depriving myself for 22 hours a day of things I want. So I will not say I made it through the day today, because I when I say that and then I don't make it, I hate myself, so I won't prematurely congratulate myself, but I think I can do this.

It sounds like JJ had a good day today, I hope April did as well. Is there anyone else trying to do this with us, one day at a time?

xo *N

Self Medicating and The Intervention

Yesterday was hard. I managed to sleep until noon, not because I was tired, but because I didn't want to be awake for fear of eating (seriously). I woke up, disgusted from the night before, but rather than even trying to commit to myself, I wanted cheesecake. For breakfast. But I managed to stay away from it, for a little while, at least. I ran on the treadmill, per my usual Saturday morning routine and had a good breakfast (i.e. healthy), and went about my day, getting in the shower. But when I got out of the shower, I still wanted cheesecake, I had to have it. So still in my towel, I went down to the freezer and took a slice. I went back two more times, and by the time it was all said and done, I had eaten half of the cheesecake (about a 6-9" diameter cake or so). Game on, he was jumping at the chance to be with me, and I let him. So I went again, in search of anything. Ice cream, baking coconut, Snickers Bar (again, I don't even like them!), Doritos, peanut butter, candy. You get the picture. All this before 4pm, and I still had my dinner party to go to.

This is where things got scary, I felt like I had given up, I was no longer in control of my mind, I felt like I could die, like I was giving up, this is so draining. I ran a few errands and went to my bf's place, and he drove us to our party. But not before having a few drinks, I felt like I couldn't face the evening sober (I am really not a big drinker at all, I may have a drink once a month or so, sometimes even less that that), but I couldn't face the night without it. So I had a few drinks before we went. And being the sly girl that I am, I poured some vodka into a water bottle, which I carried around with me in my purse, and took swigs of when I went to the bathroom. This in addition to drinking beer all night at our table. So aside the fact that I was drunk last night, I thought I couldn't have brought a bigger game than I had already brought, but I ate like I never ate before. And I ate everything. Two or three plates worth of food plus deserts (which I can't even count). So as you can imagine, I was not feeling good this morning.

But I went about Groundhog Day and went back on my diet plan - measuring food, counting calories, planning my food for the day, etc. Then, in the midst of this, my parents came home. My mom came into the kitchen holding the nearly finished cheesecake box (which she planned on serving for desert tonight), demanding to know what's going on with me, I'm measuring my food right there in front of her, but she's got the evidence that I've consumed nearly a whole cheesecake, and she's got more ammunition. How did we go through a jar of peanut butter in less than two weeks? Why were there empty boxes of chocolates in the basement? Where did her potato chips go? Why have I been so grumpy? Why am I pretending to diet in front of her, when I'm clearly not dieting (per her evidence)? What is going on with me? So I lost it. I cried, I broke down, I told her everything about this. How I've been seeing a counsellor for this, I have an unhealthy relationship with food, food controls me, all I can think about is eating, how it makes me feel. Fortunately, I had a meeting to get going to, so managed to avoid talking with them too much, but they want to talk about it tonight, after our dinner party. I'm not looking forward to it, I feel so embarrassed, I don't want to talk about it with them.

Ugh.

On the plus side, I walked into the cafeteria at my school with the intent to buy a poutine and some sort of chocolatey cake, however when I didn't find any cake worth buying, I thought maybe that was a sign not to get anything. Afterall, I had packed my own "healthy" lunch today. So I left, depending on who you ask (me or ED), with my head held high or my tail between my legs, as I sipped my green tea.

*N

CALL TO ACTION

I am just curious about where people are from... I have heard from several people via e-mail and through comments on the message boards. I live in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and am wondering if people might be interested in getting together (to be honest I'm not even sure if I'm ready to meet someone face-to-face, I do like the anonymity of the Internet, so I am just throwing it out there at this point to see where any interest might lie). I am clearly not qualified to host a "help" meeting or anything, but am just looking for support from someone who understands, or who may be interested in attending an Overeater's Anonymous Meeting with me? There are two meetings hosted in Halifax through the week and I know I previously mentioned going to one a few weeks ago but due to school commitments couldn't make it. I now know through the last two days that I can't do this alone, so am going to make a real effort to go this week, just to see what it's about.

What about joining us as we aim to take on the coming days? I hope to make 9 days without binging (surpassing my previous goal of 8 days which I met earlier in the week). JJ has committed to doing this as well, and has 1 day under her belt (congratulations!). If you are out there and would like to join our online fight, we can support each other and do this together (what is the saying, "united we stand, divided we fall?). I know we both have our own dinner plans for this evening which has us both worried about surviving the night. Join us and lets help each other.

*N

Too Little Too Late

I read an encouraging comment from JJ a few minutes too late - just mere minutes after yet again, another binge. Today started out fine, feeling a little sick from last night, but fine otherwise. Then I went about my day, eating my usual tiny portions - actually sticking to my diet at work today and feeling proud of myself for sticking to the plan. And I surprised even myself as I said no to the doughnuts someone generously brought in and laid on the kitchen table, and was strong enough to resist the chocolate truffles next to the doughnuts (seriously, someone is out to get me). At a hockey game tonight, I split a footlong sub with my BF, which was great, it was part of my meal plan for today. Then, upon returning home, I had a reduced calorie chocolate cake desert, which I had allowed for.

Unusual of a "date night" with my boyfriend, I had him bring me home, where we watched tv for about an hour before he went home. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, that I should go with him, or brush my teeth while he was here so I could go to bed as soon as he left. Both measures to protect me from binging, but I didn't do these things. The reason I didn't stay with him in the first place was because I had been feeling sick at work for most of the day, and by sick, I mean terrible gas cramps (too much info?), which I have attributed to last night, so thought it might be best if I stay alone tonight, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

The entire time we watched tv, I was thinking about the frozen cheesecake in my freezer, and how much I wanted it, how much I needed it. What's scary is I recognized the signals of Ed's coming to get me, but I felt powerless to stop him. So I hurried my BF off and went to try and cut into frozen cheesecake - if you want something bad enough, nothing will stop you, because I had physical strength I didn't know I had (unfortunately this abundance of physical strength equates to an underabundance of mental strength, which is what I really needed tonight). So I ate cheesecake. Game on. It was downhill from there (chocolate bar, icecream, fudge (which I don't even like!), baking coconut, frozen chocolate, cool whip). An hour later, I am back to where I was 24 hours ago.

(Anyone who might be wondering why someone like myself would have all these temptations around the house in the first place should know that I live with my parents while I am finishing my degree (in about a year), and while I plead with them not to keep these temptations in the house, they insist on some things for "guests". If I actually explained to them the extent of my self-inflicted suffering, I'm sure they would be more considerate, but as much as I love my parents, they believe more in "exercising self-control", as if it's just that easy for me.)

So this is where I found those encouraging comments from JJ, a support system to take on the next 9 days with me, and I couldn't even make 1. Dammit, I'm so mad! I do wish her the best though, and I hope she won't give up on me. I am with you JJ, as of now (I hope!).

I want to make it through the weekend so badly, but am not sure if I know how (dinner party Saturday night, family dinner Sunday evening). I know next week will be ok though. I am meeting with my counsellor on Wednesday, which I desperately need. I have made the decision to tell my BFF tomorrow about all this, something I have been hiding from her, since she has her own personal problems right now, but I have been there for her through the last year, I need her now. I want to go to church on Sunday, I feel like I can't do this alone. And maybe I should give some more serious thought to Overeater's Anonymous. I need the group support so badly, just to be around people who get it. And I'm going out to buy my own copy of Life Without ED. I had previously read and referenced my counsellors copy, but have since returned it to her. I was so strong with it. So this is my ammunition for the next week. I feel like I have tangible ammunition now, not just mental ammunition.

So tomorrow morning will be Groundhog Day - I will wake up, the same as today, with feelings of disgust, self loathing and sadness over my actions tonight, but all I can do at this point is restart. Again.

*N

The Morning After

Regret. Guilt. Shame. Disappointment. All things that describe the morning after my binge. But anyone with an addiction could use these very words to describe how they feel the morning after their own moment of weakness. This is an addiction, it's my addiction. And I hate it, I hate myself for letting it be, I hate him for coming to me, why me?

I did not sleep well last night, I woke up several times, sad and disappointed. And I'm so tired. I woke up this morning for work, and my stomach feels so bad, I can still feel the food in there, 8 hours later. I had my cry last night before bed, which felt good. On the phone at 12:30 to my boyfriend. Why couldn't I have called him 2 hours earlier, this wouldn't have happened. Or would it?

So here I go, starting over (yet again). I made it 8 days before. Now I will strive for 9. Thanks, JJ. A long 9 days. 1 day at a time. Here I go.

xo *N

FYI...

There is officially no cookie dough left in my freezer. And I feel like shit. (Go big or go home, right?) FUCK!!!

8 Days, Back to 1

I can't do this. I don't know why I thought I could, but he is too strong for me. I am a weak woman. I got cocky. And I saw him coming. FUCK!!! I'm so mad!!! I'M MAD AT HIM FOR CONTROLLING ME! I'M MAD AT ME FOR LETTING HIM! The warning signs were there, I heard him calling me. It started with having an extra 100 calorie snack after dinner. Then about an hour ago, I was getting itchy for something, this was scary, I felt I was salivating for something, I had to have something.

The leftover fudge from the party last night (which I went out of my way to avoid) was calling for me. So I went for it with just the thought of having half a slice, so I did, but then that turned into 3 more half slices, which I thought would go really good with some peanut butter, just a little taste. GAME ON! FUCK!!! So why not finish off the evening with some frozen cookie dough? FUCK!!! So here I sit, defeated by him, he's laughing at me "You can't fight me." And I can't. I feel like shit. FUCK!!! I was on top of the world 2 hours ago, but just like that it can change. An hour ago I was reading encouraging comments from JJ, who wrote about her similar struggle, which I thought was great that we can support each other (as much as you can through an anonymous online forum). I have let her down. I have let you down. I have let myself down. FUCK!!! UGH! I'M SO MAD!!! I had such a great weekend planned too. Out with my bf tomorrow night, dinner plans on Saturday (what a joke that will be since he won't let me eat). FUCK!!! All I can do is RESTART, I guess. So tomorrow marks a new day of food sobriety. I HATE HIM!!!

I need a good cry. It's weird because I always cry when this happens but I feel like I can't right now. FUCK!!!

*Apologies for all the F-Bombs. Anyone who knows me would think it's hilarious that I used it because I never swear, but ED is extra special, he deserves it

Making 7 Days

Well I officially made my 7 consecutive days without binging, WOOHOO! It wasn't easy. Especially last night around 9pm when I actually picked up the peanut butter jar to smell it. I shouldn't have allowed myself to even do that, but I did, and I am proud of myself for having put it away without binging (and boy did I want to). So my next goal is to make it another 7 days, 1 day at a time. Having this successful week behind me, I feel equipped to do another. I almost feel like I am out of the zone (as in I don't necessarily want to binge, well at least for the moment). But I feel different. Although my desire to binge seems to have been replaced with another problem of controlling thoughts surrounding food, and what I'm going to eat next, when I'm going to eat it, how much longer until I can eat, what I have already eaten, etc. This is not good for my concentration as I have an exam tomorrow, ugh, and I have food on the brain. But food on the brain is probably better than foods on my face.

I am worried about Saturday night because I am going out for the evening to a dinner party where there are likely to be lots of tempting foods. I am conflicted at this point as to whether I should eat before I go, allow myself to indulge when I am there or what my course of action will be. But I am definitely worried about it. Being in a public environment though, I am likely to not binge, however that's not necessarily going to stop me from overeating, which is a concern for my diet plan at this point.

Other than that, I have obsessively planned out my next two days worth of meals (again, this is where the controlling part comes into play), but it does help (mildly) with the controlling food thoughts. I have 7 days until my meeting with my counsellor, if she wasn't so booked up I would probably try and see her tomorrow. I feel like I need someone to talk to, someone who gets it. Hopefully I can do this.

*N

Naturally Thin

Someone brought to my attention this new "Naturally Thin Movement". It is described on its website as being the "anti-diet". Here is a synopsis of what it is all about, according to their website:

Naturally Thin refers to the recovery and maintenance of a lean body
weight without traditional food restricted dieting. Naturally Thin recommends a
diet of quality real foods for weight loss and natural weight maintenance. The
use of health food supplements is up to individual discretion.

Naturally Thin recovery is not a diet but a program that teaches individuals how to eat consistently in order to normalize their eating patterns. This leads to gradual, permanent weight loss.

Recovery by the Naturally Thin principles is appropriate for anyone who suffers from the effects of traditional food restricted dieting and/or reckless eating habits; over weight and disturbed eating patterns.

While it does sound like a diet, it also sounds like part of the program works at establishing healthy eating patterns and relationships with food, which is something I know I could benefit from, as I'm sure some of you, as I've been emailing some people back and forth.

Has anyone heard of this? The books sound pretty interesting, I am adding it to my Spring Break reading list (as I don't have a lot of time for non-academic readings right now). I would love to hear your thoughts on this or anything else, please feel free to email me or post a comment on anything you see!

*N

I Want To Eat

I am almost there - 7 days without a binge. Today was a good day - a hard day, but a good day. I have been thinking about food all day, and I want nothing more thant to eat frozen cookie dough right now. I feel like I could binge right now, it's what I want to do - it's what HE wants me to do. I've already given into him by eating extra desert (strawberry shortcake, which WAS NOT on my meal plan for today). But it was small, and only one (I'm so glad it was the last piece of cake). So while I hadn't planned on having it today, I ate it, and while I'm not thrilled with myself for giving in, I am pleased that I stopped there (but not because I wanted to - well actually, I WANT TO! It is ED who doesn't want me to!!!). He wants me to! HE WANTS ME TO! NOT ME!!! I had started to write how I wasn't sure that I would survive the next hour or so before bed, but silly as it may sound, when I wrote that, I felt in control. I am in control of the next hour of my life. NOT HIM!


I would like to post something that someone sent to me. This is from a woman who I will call *K, who like many men and women, are going through or have gone through this. She recently has began writing. I especially liked her first line.

Control everything, lest you lose all control
Eat nothing and in doing so, take everything back
What will this cost
Mere calories or life
To what extent are you willing to go
To have everything
Open your eyes to reality and see,
For once see what you are doing and what has happened
Then consider

Day 5 and I Survived My Danger Day

I can taste the end of my 7 days (no pun intended). As of now, I have gone 5 consecutive days without binging. And I love it. But it's all I think about, especially when we had company over for supper tonight and everyone had desert but me. Not because I didn't want to, because I did, but because my mother called me out yesterday on "eating too much food", when I mentioned that I had gained weight over the last month or so. She doesn't know that I am dealing with this in my life right now, but it's interesting that she would say that, I thought I was being so sneaking and sly about eating by myself - when others leave the room or go to bed. Not knowing that this is taking over my life, this kind of comment is likely the kind of thing that could set me up for failure. For example, not eating desert with everyone, it would/will be easy for me to overcompensate (i.e. binge) when I am alone, as I am now. But I am making such an effort to not go to the kitchen for cake, because I know if I start, I won't stop.

And it wasn't necessarily easy to not eat mindlessly from the peanut butter tub, it is all I want to do right now. I don't even know why I have such a weakness for peanut butter, growing up, I didn't even like it that much. But through the weekend, I was able to plan my meals and snacks, which made it easy to adhere to.

It wasn't as easy as that though. Yesterday while volunteering at my church dinner, I found myself salivating over the desert trays (as I usually do), and what started out as committing to not having any, turned into sharing one desert. Two deserts. Three deserts. Yep, three deserts. But in my defense, I shared them in a controlled environment (in public). So while I wasn't proud of sharing three deserts, knowing that I hadn't binged on a whole cake/pan made me feel ok, and I even let myself eat the supper I had planned for myself (a low-fat chicken fajita, but nonetheless).

So I survived five days without a binge, two of those days being unstructured weekend days, which is when I find myself the most vulnerable, so I feel I can take it to Wednesday from here. Tuesday is also shaping up to be a Danger Day, however I am taking proactive measures to fight it. I will not be home on Tuesday due to some entertaining going on in the house on Tuesday night, so will spend the evening with my boyfriend. Maybe I should start looking ahead to Wednesday as well so I won't be around all the residual temptations.

It is Sunday night and I feel so much better than I did this time last Sunday. Mentally and physically.

*N