10 Days and Counting

I can't believe I've made it this long without binging. I feel like something has changed in me, whether it was my last counselling session, telling my parents, I really don't know, but I feel like I'm out of the funky haze that was keeping me down and letting him into my life (ironic given the negative things in my life right now - see below).

I have a close relative in the hospital right now, and it is honestly not looking good at this point. I have spent a lot of time in the hospital over the last few days and have found myself at the mercy of convenience food. But rather than nourish my body with food, I have not been able to eat in these circumstances, which is likely setting me up for a big fall. Wrong, I know, and this is another one of his controls that he has over me. But I feel at this point it is more important not to binge rather than to fight his restrictions, so I will take it as it comes and deal with one thing at a time.

I believe I may have mentioned earlier about having an under active thyroid, which is making me susceptible to weight gain (not a good thing under the best of circumstances, but for one with a distorted relationship with food to begin with makes it very hard). I have been going in for medical tests over the last few weeks and have never had so much blood taken in my life, I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion. My test results are coming back with confusing results to my doctor, so she is hesitant to put me on any meds (which will assist in regulating my appetite and metabolism, among other things if I ever get them). So in addition to everything, I am trying to work through this right now.

I think it is weird under these circumstances that I haven't felt the need to binge, because it is something so comforting, so familiar to me. Maybe it is stressing me out and taking away the urge. Whatever it is, I am glad for it.

I have a big night out on the town tomorrow night, which I am not looking forward to because I am afraid Ed is planning on coming along or greeting me at the door once I get home from a night of drinking in a depressive state. I am going to do my best to resist him, because I am proud of myself for surviving this long without him. But he knows I will be vulnerable at this time. After reading that, I see how he still does have control - my first thought isn't about going out to have some much needed fun, but that I'm going to eat too much tomorrow, hmmm...

So that is about my life in a nutshell right now. I hope everyone else is doing ok. I haven't heard from anyone in a while, so I hope people out there are doing ok. My thoughts are with you all, as we try and work through this.

xo *N