Sunday, February 8, 2009

Self Medicating and The Intervention

Yesterday was hard. I managed to sleep until noon, not because I was tired, but because I didn't want to be awake for fear of eating (seriously). I woke up, disgusted from the night before, but rather than even trying to commit to myself, I wanted cheesecake. For breakfast. But I managed to stay away from it, for a little while, at least. I ran on the treadmill, per my usual Saturday morning routine and had a good breakfast (i.e. healthy), and went about my day, getting in the shower. But when I got out of the shower, I still wanted cheesecake, I had to have it. So still in my towel, I went down to the freezer and took a slice. I went back two more times, and by the time it was all said and done, I had eaten half of the cheesecake (about a 6-9" diameter cake or so). Game on, he was jumping at the chance to be with me, and I let him. So I went again, in search of anything. Ice cream, baking coconut, Snickers Bar (again, I don't even like them!), Doritos, peanut butter, candy. You get the picture. All this before 4pm, and I still had my dinner party to go to.

This is where things got scary, I felt like I had given up, I was no longer in control of my mind, I felt like I could die, like I was giving up, this is so draining. I ran a few errands and went to my bf's place, and he drove us to our party. But not before having a few drinks, I felt like I couldn't face the evening sober (I am really not a big drinker at all, I may have a drink once a month or so, sometimes even less that that), but I couldn't face the night without it. So I had a few drinks before we went. And being the sly girl that I am, I poured some vodka into a water bottle, which I carried around with me in my purse, and took swigs of when I went to the bathroom. This in addition to drinking beer all night at our table. So aside the fact that I was drunk last night, I thought I couldn't have brought a bigger game than I had already brought, but I ate like I never ate before. And I ate everything. Two or three plates worth of food plus deserts (which I can't even count). So as you can imagine, I was not feeling good this morning.

But I went about Groundhog Day and went back on my diet plan - measuring food, counting calories, planning my food for the day, etc. Then, in the midst of this, my parents came home. My mom came into the kitchen holding the nearly finished cheesecake box (which she planned on serving for desert tonight), demanding to know what's going on with me, I'm measuring my food right there in front of her, but she's got the evidence that I've consumed nearly a whole cheesecake, and she's got more ammunition. How did we go through a jar of peanut butter in less than two weeks? Why were there empty boxes of chocolates in the basement? Where did her potato chips go? Why have I been so grumpy? Why am I pretending to diet in front of her, when I'm clearly not dieting (per her evidence)? What is going on with me? So I lost it. I cried, I broke down, I told her everything about this. How I've been seeing a counsellor for this, I have an unhealthy relationship with food, food controls me, all I can think about is eating, how it makes me feel. Fortunately, I had a meeting to get going to, so managed to avoid talking with them too much, but they want to talk about it tonight, after our dinner party. I'm not looking forward to it, I feel so embarrassed, I don't want to talk about it with them.

Ugh.

On the plus side, I walked into the cafeteria at my school with the intent to buy a poutine and some sort of chocolatey cake, however when I didn't find any cake worth buying, I thought maybe that was a sign not to get anything. Afterall, I had packed my own "healthy" lunch today. So I left, depending on who you ask (me or ED), with my head held high or my tail between my legs, as I sipped my green tea.

*N

5 comments:

  1. Okay, a new week, a new start. I'm going to make a food plan for this week.....and an exercise plan for this week....and I'm gonna try to resist him. I say that...b/c I know full well I'm not going to be able to fight tonight :S Oh, this sucks.

    I'm feeling your pain with you *N. You're not alone. Good luck with your parents tonight. I can't even emagine telling mine. <3

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  2. Yeah, new week will have to be it for me too... Food plan is a good idea, if I see it and look at it, will make it easier to follow rather than not thinking about what I will eat. If I wasn`t facing my parents tonight, I would definitely be starting tomorrow, but today has been good thus far, so hopefully I can see it through.

    I`m not looking forward to having this chat. Hopefully since they know I have been seeking help, it won`t be too uncomfortable, but maybe having this out in the open they will stop keeping temptations in the house.

    Good luck with your meal and exercise plans, will let you know how my night goes.

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  3. I'm with you! i binged so badly the last 4 days in a row. I feel so sh***y and I just wanted you to know I'm going through the same thing and I feel your pain. I actually found your link on Facebook in the ED group; I'm so happy to connect with someone else who fights the same battle. I hope we can get to know each other. My real name is Nicole by the way. Take care :) best of luck to you and also you, JJ, I'm with you as well.

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  4. I made it through the day. He came calling a couple times...but he didn't get me. YAY Hope you had a good day too!!!!!

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  5. Looks like the 3 of us have that in common, my "bender" started Thursday night, and carried through until Sunday Night. I believe it was similar for JJ as well? How was today for you, April? (would you rather be addressed as Nicole?)

    Congrats, JJ! I know this was probably a hard day for you, it was for me. I'm so glad you had the strength to fight him. I did up until now. I am confident that I can make it through the next few hours, however don't want to celebrate yet, as that has been the story of the last few days

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