Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Day 2 - Yet Again

Here I go again, I hope I'm not premature but I think I've survived another day. I managed to bring my food to school with me, but I found myself in the cafeteria this afternoon just looking around (BAD habit) and I realized I wanted something chocolatey to satisfy my sweet tooth. Now I hadn't budgeted for this and I left empty handed, but then when I went to sit down I thought "this is deprivation", so I made a deal with myself that I could have half a chocolate danish that I have had my eye on all year from Tim Hortons in lieu of the popcorn I was saving for later and dipping into 3 of my weekly points. I was conflicted over whether to buy it because I am not a big fan of TH anymore since they have gone to frozen goods and they always looked so dried out but it looked so inviting. So I bought the chocolate danish, picked up a plastic knife and cut it in half, and get this, put the other half back in the bag, for consumption at another time! And I didn't feel guilty OR deprived. I felt satisfied. Wow! What a feeling. So I feel like this was a big step for me today because I could have easily eaten it all in one setting *pat on the back*

Other than that, I had a really good day. I should probably have been feeling more stress due to 2 urgent deadlines on Thursday but I guess crunch time will be tomorrow. So I do not have a reason to binge today. I am feeling good about tomorrow too.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Getting Back on Track

Alright, I think day 1 back on the bandwagon was ok. I managed to put in some time on the treadmill this morning (albeit wasn't easy), followed by a decent breakfast, then lunch and healthy snacks throughout the day. I even had a small supper and didn't pump myself full of juice as I had planned this morning (would have set myself up for failure). In spite of the hard night I had last night, I do feel like my head is clear right now, and I think it was just an unfortunate setback, but nothing I can't handle. It's funny how when I've fallen in the past I never felt like I could just pick myself back up again, but I feel like I am back on track now. I won't be consuming more than my daily points today as I had previously been trying to allow myself to do, I guess as punishment for last night (this is wrong). But I am heading home with a few points to spend and will go for a fruit smoothie, this is what I need to get me through the long night of school work that lay ahead of me. I do not need to binge. The pain I felt this morning is not worth the sweet taste of any treat (even peanut butter - which I could be done with. I've had PB burps all day and I feel like this could have created a negative association with this, or I'm hoping it has anyways. Sorry to be gross).


What's Worse

How far I've fallen... I'm sitting here 7.5 hour. I still feel bad.s later from my last food intake feeling like shit. I don't know what feels worse though: the gut rot or knowing I've disappointed everyone, disappointed myself :(

Everyone was telling me how proud they were of me. My mom think I've worked out of my funk, I thought I had too. But here I sit, back to where I was two weeks ago. My stomach swollen from the food. I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up to a sore stomach, reminded of what I had done. I should have at least taken something to help me sleep.

I woke up and cried in my bed for about 20 minutes or so before getting up. But just like eating, it didn't help me feel better, I still feel bad, although crying isn't as self destructive as eating I guess.

Why did I do this? Binging did not help me accomplish anything, if anything it's held me back. It's nearly 10am and I've not worked out yet because I still feel shitty and gross. Where if I didn't do this I would likely be done by now. This is going to mess up my day, not to mention mentally, this is all I'm going to think about today. This is what I have to remember though the next time I am tempted, these awful feelings.

I made it a solid 13 days last time. I am going to take it one day at a time and work my way up to 14 days. It likely won't be easy with my dad's birthday coming up this weekend (i.e. boiled incing cake) but I have to make it through. I thought I had worked through a lot of these restrictions but I have a feeling I am going to be "detoxing" today, as in grapefruit and other juices I guess.

This sucks :( But binging will not take these feelings away. This morning I am not going to binge on food. BINGING WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. Sigh


Sunday, March 29, 2009


It is 1:25 am and I am still eating peanut butter. IT'S BUTTERED PEANUTS! DAMMIT! My heart is racing from the sugar and I feel like ass. I need help. How far I've fallen :(


It was a good run while it lasted, but here I sit, tomorrow is Day 1 :(

I guess, looking back the Timbits were the beginning of the binge - I was kidding myself to think otherwise. After eating them I listened to my body, and I wasn't hungry, so didn't eat supper, not out of punishment, but because I didn't feel hungry.

When I got home from school around 9pm I wanted to go to bed, but felt I had more school work to do. So I had a small piece of treatzza pizza and a small piece of carrot cake. It really was a small amount, so there was no guilt. But then a little while ago my mouth started salivating. I needed more carrot cake. Since the cake didn't have much icing on it, I grabbed the can from the fridge to put a little bit more on, one spoonful, right? NO! Several spoonfuls later and it was on. Found forbidden peanut butter and then had more treatzza pizza. Sigh.

So as I sit here now and my stomach is sore, he is laughing at me, he has beaten my cockiness, my arrogance, my pride :( But this whole episode only lasted about 20 minutes or so - relatively shorter than what I'm used to. And I know I can do this, so tomorrow is back at Day 1, and I am sure I can do this. I'm just disappointed with myself.

So why did I do this? The Timbits honestly just started with one, three, three more, 14. It was all so innocent at the time. I was working on school work but not feeling overly stressed or anything. Perhaps I HAD been restricting? I had such a rigid food schedule today, perhaps that didn't fly with my body? I legitimately allowed myself to have the first round of cake, I was fine with that. But the second round? I was feeling bored more so than anything, but this was not a reason to binge. Not feeling stressed, lonely or anything. I guess bored would be the best way to describe it, perhaps I don't know how to "not binge"? I got lonely without binging? Hmm... Update, I just paused writing this to get more peanut butter and almonds. Sigh. What's wrong with me? I know this is wrong but I can't stop, even while I write this! Why do I keep sabotaging myself?

But on the plus side, I MAY be moving out in September which I am pretty excited about. If for only one reason, so I don't have to be in this house of temptations. I love my parents and everything but it is hard to live here for someone like me. And I know ~M~ says it's not them, I have to learn to be around this and trust myself but they don't make it easy! I just feel if I can be in my own controlled environment I will have a better chance at this. Oh my. Here comes the sugar crash, the stomach ache, the jitters. DAMMIT! ;(

Better days ahead tomorrow.


the saddest girl on the internet


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End of the Weekend


I have for the most part made it through the weekend. Friday night I went for dinner to this new Greek place in the city. I was nervous going because I couldn't find the nutritional value on their website, which often keeps me from going to restaurants when I can't calculate points. But I went, after some back and forth of going and not going, but it turned out to be ok (I had lethal garlic breath for the weekend but I survived).

Yesterday was a success because I had a part for this volunteer group I work with and despite the temptations (cake, donuts, muffins, chips, sweets etc), I SURVIVED! And I even had a small piece of cake! With no guilt! Just a little piece, and I lived to tell about it, who knew?!? And I didn't feel like I was depriving myself either. Wow, what a feeling.

Having accumulated "points" throughout the week, I was in the mood for ice cream last night, so dammit, I got ice cream, went for the treatzza pizza again, it was so yummy (no guilt!).

Then today was pretty good, had another hot breakfast (two days in a row!) and ate relatively good throughout the day. I fell a bit this afternoon at school when the cafeteria closed early and put out free Timbits next to where I was sitting. I ate ALOT of them (14!), but in spite of this, I don't feel like it was a binge, I overate, I felt like I gave myself permission. I don't feel great about this but it could have been worse, I just won't have leftover treatzza pizza tonight. I am not going to punish myself without supper because that's what he wants me to do. So today I overate, I did not binge.

But today is day 14 for me! And I feel great! I thought I might reward myself with weighing myself today, but I think I will reward myself by NOT weighing myself. ~M~ said it good when I saw her the other day when she said "why let a scale dictate your self worth when you feel good?" If I am feeling good, why risk feeling bad for the sake of some metal and numbers? Perhaps I will weigh myself eventually, but not today and hopefully not tomorrow. This has even been my 14th day NOT on a scale, two things to celebrate I guess. 14 days, two weeks, wow. Maybe I can go 21 days (3 weeks!) But don't want to get ahead of myself (he thrives on cockiness). So one day at a time. I have had a good day, a good week. I feel great about myself and don't want to jeopardize it with a binge. I do not need to binge.

JJ, you aren't doing good? How was your weekend? What about Simply for Life?

April, can I see your blog? I would love to see what you're saying! I could post a link on my site if you wanted.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Coming Close

Ahh, what a day. A long day. I will be soo glad when school is over (11 days!). But I am still doing relatively well. I came close to surrendering today. I have certainly overeaten, according to my daily points allotment but by any other standards, likely no. I was fine through the day as I had lots of running around to do. Then came home for supper and even had a small dessert. And back to when I say I overate, it was raisins, not the end of the world and probably only a handful. I wouldn't even consider it a binge by any means, but I found myself absent mindedly looking around the kitchen for more, thankfully it wasn't there. I still feel strong but am disappointed to think that if I had found something I might have given in. But I haven't and here I sit typing, on day 11, having gone this many days without a binge! And I feel damn good!

Heading into the weekend I am going out for dinner tomorrow night with my bf but that doesn't really concern me. I have a party for a volunteer group I work with on Saturday and spent the better part of today running around shopping for that (and spending 20 minutes in the Bulk Barn didn't help me but all I bought for myself was sugar free candy). So I guess my only concerns for this weekend are the party on Saturday afternoon because we have lots of sweets for that. But I am going to be strong, if anything because I don't do anything "bad" in front of other people, so I should be able to stay in control. Kind of a lame weekend as I will be spending the better part of it researching the Westray Mine explosions as part of a paper due next week.

Wish me luck!

Hope you are doing good, drop me a line!

xo *N

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Wow, so I guess this would be Day 11 for me, woohoo! I met with ~M~ today and had lots to update her on. I guess my biggest thing is I feel like I have broken through a fog or something, me head is just so clear right now, but as I've said many times, I don't want to get cocky... But despite the two bad days I had since meeting with her last, I have had 11 good days which kick the bad days ass!

Some accomplishments over the last 11 days:
  • I have gone 11 days without binging or overeating!
  • I have been able to identify my feelings and what they are that trigger bad behaviour, a large part of this through journalling/blogging
  • I put peanut butter into a recipe on the weekend and only used what I needed, rather than spoon feed myself! Better yet, I didn't feel deprived of it!
  • I have not felt deprived of anything during this time, I am understanding this intuitive eating thing
  • I am loosening up on his rules - I ate breakfast before working out one day

I still know I have a long way to go. Like right now for example I would love nothing more than to eat a big bowl of something, ANYTHING. But I am heading to bed very soon and I know this will not make me feel good. I would in fact make me feel awful. SO for that reason I am not going to eat anything, but this is not deprivation, it is listening to my body. My tiredness is winning out over my desire to eat, contrary to a week and a half ago when I kept myself awake until midnight for peanut butter.

So, off to bed for tonight, hopefully tomorrow will be day 12!

How are you doing?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Happy Happy

Wow, I have survived another day! (Well, it's not over yet I guess but I think I have survived...). Nothing too eventful today, had breakfast after working out, pre-planned my lunch and snacks for school and came home for a good supper. But the best part was the cake I had after supper, with no guilt! And it was "legal" cake, as in within points budget, which made it all the sweeter. I was telling my brother tonight how I feel like my head is out of the clouds, if that makes any sense, I just feel so good and like my head is clear now... but as always, don't want to get too cocky.

I thought about getting on the scales this morning. Well, "thought" isn't the word, I guess it would be "heavily debated", but in the end decided against it. I'm not sure I'm going to see exactly what I'm looking for yet. I think I am going to wait for Day15 (God willing I get there), which would have given me 2 weeks having got my stuff together. That will be my reward for this week (is that a bad reward?)

I am starting to feel a little stressed though. I can always tell when my mom is stressed because she starts baking and cooking a little more. But I am making a conscious effort to resist the treats in the house, but don't feel deprived since I allowed myself to have some cake tonight. But I had a small talk with my dad about how we don't need to have all this crap in the house, which he said he would relay the message to my mom (sometimes it's easier to deliver third party messages because my mom and I are so much alike the both of us often misconstrue constructive criticism for plain criticism, so in this case it's easier to go through my dad so my mom and I don't snap at each other).

But all else aside things are going good. I can't wait to update ~M~ tomorrow. The last two weeks started out hard but I've got some good updates for her.

Have a good one!



Wow, Day 9

This will be my 9th day without binging, should I make it through the day. And I feel like I can. I have no reason not to. Yesterday was a good day, I was feeling a little snackish around 9pm last night while working on a paper but I survived with a sugar free jell-o (mmmm... jell-o....) Anyway, I stayed within my limit yesterday and I feel prepared for today. I am heading to school for the day with my pre-planned lunch and won't likely make it home until late tonight. But continuing on with the theme of the weekend I am still feeling great! I am meeting with ~M~ tomorrow as per our usual 2 weeks and can't wait to update her on my progress! Perhaps I'm through the worst of it? I hope so, but again I want to be cautious and not get ahead of myself because I have done so in the past and literally eaten my words.

Not much to say now, hope this isn't too boring. I hope you are all doing well. How have you been feeling lately? Surviving ok?


Sunday, March 22, 2009

Checking In - Sunday

Just getting ready for supper, going to have some leftover pasta from last night, yum. I felt like this was a good day, I am feeling good about myself and do not have a reason to binge on anything. I might have some apple pie for desert but it will be guilt free because I have been good all week and budgeted some extra points for today so I will enjoy!

Other than that, feeling slightly stressed about school, bit project due tomorrow, but stress is not a reason to binge or overeat.

Surviving Danger Day!

Wow, I am pretty excited, I managed to stay in my house last night, alone, and not binge on anything, better yet, I didn't feel like I was depriving myself of anything. And there were even temptations in the house but I managed to survive! I just can't believe how good I feel right now, I mean I really feel like I can do this now. I have gone 6 days without binging on food.

I treated myself to a little parfait last night, and the recipe called for peanut butter. And for a moment I stood there with the jar in my hand and thought back to last weekend when I had waited up till midnight to be alone with that very jar. But I didn't really even feel the urge to eat it out of the jar. I took what I needed and put it back, just like that! What a liberating feeling, I beat the peanut butter! And I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself because I have been here before where my cockiness got the best of me, but I am just feeling so proud of myself. And I even had a hot breakfast today (as opposed to my usual yogurt, cereal, fruit I usually have) with a real egg (not egg whites!).

I have a busy day ahead of me, lots of school work planned, enough to keep me busy anyway. This is day 7 and I do not have to binge, nor do I feel like I should. I feel like my stomach isn't as swollen from all the crap I had last weekend. Although I am afraid to look at the scales because I don't want to get upset because I have been good this week and if I see a number I don't like will be depressing. But I don't need to be controlled by the numbers on a scale, contrary to what he tells me. Yes, I think this is how "normal" people feel. But again, don't want to get ahead of myself, I will take today one moment at a time, one hour at a time.

How was your weekend?



Saturday, March 21, 2009

Checking In - Saturday

Just checking in for now. Getting ready to head home for dinner. Had a pretty easy day, stayed busy with school work. I am not feeling sad today, rather happy as I am on day 6 right now, but am getting nervous for the night. I will be home this evening working on school papers and such and my parents are out for the night. Traditionally, this is when I am likely to binge, not out of loneliness or sadness but out of boredom, because I can, and because I haven't binged in a while. So I am really going to make my best effort tonight NOT TO BINGE! I have no reason to binge and binging on food will make me feel sick, among other awful things. So I have been "good" all week, so will be sure to treat myself to something tasty tonight (would love some ice cream but might try this parfait recipe I have my eye on.

Anyway, here I go, wish me luck! Will report back later at the end of the evening, hopefully going into day 7.


Friday, March 20, 2009

Day 5!

Oh, what a day. I hope I'm not coming across as too whiny, but I am really doing my best to document my feelings along with the food, and today I happen to have "whiny" feelings.

I had planned out all my food last night, which was a huge help throughout the day because I had a hard one. One of my co-workers got a little confrontational today, and I am not confrontational at all, it really rattled me. Shortly afterwards I went looking for my breakfast and was thankful that I had my food with me rather than having to go out for lunch because I might not have been able to control that. But I survived today without binging, although since about mid-afternoon my energy seems to have dropped. I was feeling pretty tired and bummed by the time I got home from work, just being a long day and all.

I got pretty stressed when I saw my dad had ordered pizza for supper, given that I was eating half a left over chicken fajita and potato. I am finding it hard to be around other people's (good) food. And when my bf came over and I was eating yogurt and granola and he had leftover pizza I started feeling a little stressed as well, just because I wasn't "allowed" to have any. But I survived, and without binging nonetheless. I overate today by 2 points but that's fine because I have lots of points leftover, and my overeating consisted of toast/jam and cottage cheese.

On a side note, while leafing through a magazine today I saw an ad for yourhealthyweight.ca. This is a campaign run by milk producers to encourage people to get healthy through incorporating milk products into your dieting efforts. A key message of this campaign emphasizes healthier living rather than getting caught up in diets. Anyway, I ripped this ad out of a magazine and I have it hanging in my bathroom, I think it is helpful for me to visually see this message: "It's better to have a body in shape than to obsess about the shape of your body". I am hoping to learn this, in addition to the normal eating excerpt, I think this is a great message and is helpful for working on my obsession with being thin, in addition to dealing with binging.

That's it for tonight.



Thursday, March 19, 2009

Day 4

Wow, I have officially survived 4 days without binging! Coming up onto the weekend, my danger days, I am slightly nervous but am going to do my best to stay in control. I have a busy weekend scheduled at the library for school work, so I won't have to be home very much. I have my food planned out for tomorrow, I just hope there are no unexpected "surprises" at work tomorrow, they are hard to plan for.

I got slightly snacky tonight watching Ugly Betty and overate slightly (as in exceeded daily points target by 3) but managed to enlighten the munchies with some toast and oatmeal, so nothing to feel guilty over.

Anyway, not much to report on today, how did you make out today?


Checking In - Thursday

It is about the end of my day and I am feeling A LOT better than I did yesterday, I think I was getting worked up because I was so tired, I was so refreshed when I woke up this morning (2 hours late, I NEVER sleep in), which sent me into a bit of a panic because I had planned to be at the library by the time I had actually woken up at 9, but oh well.

I survived my exam, I think I did a lot better than I thought I might, although we will see I guess when I get it back next week, because it was hard.

And I am feeling pretty proud of myself because my dinner plans have been postponed until the weekend, due to my friend being sick, but what I feel best about is I don't feel like it is getting me down like it usually would. I think having rescheduled it for a definite time saved me. Although now I don't have dinner plans, but it is ok, I have had my mind on something in particular all week which I will probably have instead. So this is a good day so far, I am feeling good, considering yesterday and having last minute plans cancelled but I am not feeling vulnerable to food right now, although I am kind of hungry... I am not going to binge tonight because this is day 4 and I feel good. Binging will make me feel bad about myself. I HAVE NO REASON TO BINGE :)

xo *N

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Feeling Sad, But Not Sad Enough To Binge

Ugh, what a day. You know how people say "you're your own worst enemy"? Well that is so on the nose for me (nothing to do with food for a minute, I think I just had a girl day). It starts off innocently enough with a small thought, but then that one small thought seems to manifest itself into a slew of other thoughts and the next thing you know your mind is wandering and going crazy, and for what? Was that original thought really that bad that it lead to you crying hysterically in your car?

I won't get into the whole thing because it's long and a lot to type, although probably not irrelevant to my problems, but it goes back to me binging and overeating when I am feeling lonely/abandoned, which is how I have been feeling through the day. But I know that binging will not solve my problems. Sigh. I feel so sad. And so alone. I have never been formally diagnosed with depression but having identified feeling lonely causes me to eat and be sad, and how I cried hysterically several weeks ago with ~M~ over eating out of loneliness, I wonder if I could actually be depressed. I mean, how does a doctor diagnose that? But I am also dealing with some thyroid problems as well, so maybe that is just a side effect?

Anyway, aside from the sadness I am feeling pretty stressed over a midterm tomorrow, had a hard time concentrating on studying due to everything else going on in my mind. I had a great conversation with my brother earlier. Since we both have this common bond over binging we talked about the ups and downs of how it makes us feel. We even had some good laughs over stupid things we had done/eaten while in the zone. When you say some of these things out loud you realize how silly they actually sound ("you once drank a concoction of warm salt water and mustard, then did jumping jacks to try and induce vomiting after binging?" WTF?). So it was great to talk to him. He lives a few hours away so we only get to talk on the phone but I now take comfort in talking to him because he gets it, unlike my parents and BF who think they get it.

By the time I had gotten back to the library tonight I had overeaten slightly (as in more than my daily points allowance), but nothing to feel guilty over because normal people eat when they are hungry, and I was feeling pretty damn hungry tonight, even after eating a good supper I was still hungry. I feel like I could almost go for something now but won't since I would rather go to sleep.

I am excited about dinner plans tomorrow night and am not feeling nervous about going, like I usually am when I go out to dinner lately. I am looking forward to seeing an old friend and catching up, and eating dinner in a restaurant like a normal person. Hope it goes well.

I think once I get some sleep and clear my head my mood will pick up by the morning, maybe I'm just tired. And menstruating, maybe that's why I'm extra sensitive today (TMI?)

*I just reread this post an apologize that it is all over the place, I'm pretty tired, I will try and organize it/tidy it up in the morning.


Checking In - Wednesday

Just checking in for now. I no sooner finished saying to my mom this morning how good I was feeling about myself, when now I feel so down. My mood just seems to have dropped and I'm exhausted from everything. I started getting sad/frustrated today because I am coming up on the end of my semester and want to do something fun to celebrate, perhaps go away for a few days or something but it isn't looking feasible at this point given my bf and friends are strapped for cash right now. I am not sure why this is bothering me so much but it is.

I felt the urge this afternoon, while at school, to comfort myself in a slice of pizza or donut, but thankfully snapped out of it. I packed a pretty good lunch today and am going home for dinner shortly, but I will return here after supper to study for an exam tomorrow and because I'm not sure if I can trust myself to be home this evening with such easy access to the kitchen. I am feeling stressed because of school, and sad because of lack of celebratory plans once this semester is over. But this is not a reason to binge. Binging will not take my problems away and I will feel twice as bad afterwards if I do so because I will physically feel sick. Binging will not solve my problems.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Day 2

I'm not home free yet, I'm just getting ready to leave school for the night and have one more point to consume for the day. I am hungry so will have something small when I go home, but only 1 point value worth of food. I had a good day emotionally, however hunger has also been known to get the better of me and caused a binge so I am going to do my best to go out of my way when I get home to NOT BINGE. After reading my earlier reflection I think it helped for me to visually see in front of me "I DON'T NEED TO BINGE".

Today was a success because I packed all my food for the day and when it ran out, that was it. I made myself a regular supper (seafood pasta) to bring to school with me this morning, which was so much better than eating caf food. If I can find the time in the morning to do this, I think it is a pretty good idea for helping keep me in check.

I even went to the grocery store and for the first time in my life left with only buying produce (btw, pears on sale at superstore this week are AMAZING). Not that I wanted to buy anything else or felt tempted, I've just never done that before. And I had my eye on these green cupcakes they were selling all day in the cafeteria, but I resisted.

So not much to report on today. It is still early in the week and my body is still feeling the effects of the weekend, but tomorrow will be a better day. My fear for the week is riding the crimson wave and throwing caution to the wind, but while I usually give into cravings I am going to have to fight them extra hard this time so I can fit back into my Christmas clothes.

How was your day?

xo *N

Checking In - Tuesday

Just checking in with myself to see my feelings. Had a good day today. Am feeling overwhelmed given I wrote an exam and have papers due left, right and centre but other than that am feeling good. Feeling happy, I feel like I am temporarily out of my depressed state, for now anyways. Got to spend some time with a friend at school today, I love this girl because she is just such a positive, happy person, she is always able to lift my mood and just help me feel good about myself.

The night is still young, but I have no reason to binge.

Will talk about my day later.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Back at 1

Before I start I will quickly update you on the rest of my night last night. Since I was already in binge mode, I ended up waiting up for my dad to go to sleep, at which time I ate "hidden peanut butter" (so much sweeter given the challenge of having found it) at midnight. That's right, I kept myself awake that long for PEANUT BUTTER. The rational being that I would regret not having it in the morning having been on a bender the night before (that's fucked up). I had to act fast so I wouldn't get caught so I scooped out a huge glob onto a plate which I consumed in the locked bathroom out of paranoia of someone walking in my unlocked bedroom and catching me with this sweet drug. Sigh.

Either way this morning I would have woken up feeling regret. If I hadn't binged I would have wished I had since I did the night before and my "food week" runs Monday-Sunday, but since I did binge, I regretted it since I felt like ass.

I actually made an interesting realization about peanut butter today. IT IS PEANUT FLAVOURED BUTTER. I would never eat regular butter the was I do peanut butter, why do I do this? The more I thought about it, the more grossed out I became. But I've never been one to be affected by these visuals that show you how much sugar or lard you are putting into your body by consuming certain products, like they often show people on these weight loss shows. Could this realization be an end to my fascination with peanut butter? I hope so...

So today I started back at day 1. On Monday's I usually get so hung up on surviving the week without binging that by mid-week I start to get overwhelmed. So this week, after hearing ~M~ preach it for so long I am just going to strive not to binge one day at a time. Today I did not binge and I am confident to say I won't for the rest of the night because I'm getting ready for bed *yawn* and my teeth have been brushed (finally a rule that works for me rather than against me: once teeth have been brushed for the evening there will be no food consumption - I am obsessed with oral hygiene, what can I say?). So my next goal: no binging or overeating tomorrow.

I think today was a success for several reasons. One being that it's Monday, my day to detox after the weekend. Two, I had a long day planned at school so took all food to be consumed during the day with me. Once the food was gone, that was it, planning like that was really helpful. Three, I wasn't feeling depressed or vulnerable today despite a hard weekend. Four, I NEED TO LOSE THOSE 12LBS THAT ARE SHRINKING MY CLOTHES (I know my clothes aren't shrinking, what's inside is getting bigger), but I am going on a shopping trip to New England once school is over but will only be going if I can shed a few pounds (ED's rule).

So I'm heading into tomorrow, day 2. One step at a time as my girl Jordin Sparks says :)



Sunday, March 15, 2009

My Cockiness Got the Best of Me

If there's one thing ED loves, it's a challenge, and my cockiness from Friday night was all he needed. I was so inspired at the time and was trying to be skeptical and not too excited because I knew I could fall as easily as I had conquered. And I did.

I made it through Friday night no problem and even Saturday morning, again having breakfast before working out, and having a good breakfast. But it went downhill when I was trying to pack a lunch for school and I started nibbling on things in the fridge, then eating mindlessly out of the cereal box, which I was OK with, I wasn't feeling too guilty. Then as a total fluke I found the pot-of-gold: peanut butter. Not just any peanut butter, but hidden peanut butter (my parents think by hiding food is helping me, which to some degree it is but when I found it, it was game on). So I eventually left for school feeling like crap where I didn't eat for the rest of the day. Until I started getting the urge for ice cream. I already blew it right, so why not "treat" myself.

I was really conflicted over having the ice cream. First, mid afternoon I left school and started to walk to my car from the library, which was about a 5min walk, but when I got to my car, I didn't have my keys and since it was a bit of a walk, I went back to studying without ice cream (divine intervention perhaps?). When I left school for the evening I drove to the McDonald's parking lot, ready for the drive thru when I had 2nd thoughts. I was debating over whether or not I even needed it, and there was such conflict in my mind. A few minutes later I left without my ice cream and headed home. Then I had to head back out to go to my grandparents place and couldn't fight it any longer, so went to get my Rolo McFlurry. And it was damn good. Since I had already lost so much control, while on my way to my bf's place after this, I stopped at a gas station where I poured over the baked goods section and grabbed a piece of chocolate peanut butter fudge. It was weird when I bought it because the whole time I was there I felt like an underage kid purchasing liquor or something, it felt so wrong. I went out to my car and consumed the fudge in the darkness before continuing on to my bf's place. Needless to say I wasn't feeling good after this and spent the rest of the night mentally beating myself up for this behaviour. All the while, my jeans are gradually getting tighter....

Then I woke up today, it was a new day and I had a good breakfast, planned out everything I would eat at school and was fine until I got home an hour and a half ago. I started with "Overeating", as in exceeding my daily points target, and had a bowl of oatmeal. Then it was rice cakes and jam, to which it was an energy bar, rice chips, coffee cake, etc. And I still want to keep going. The only thing keeping me from going isn't willpower but that my parents are watching tv and I don't want them to see me with more food.

I am so sad right now, I don't know why I can't do this. I have done it before. I haven't journalled my feelings at the end of the day since Thursday so I am going to get on that as of tomorrow. I don't know how much of this I can take, the ups and downs are emotionally draining. If anyone has any suggestions for me, please feel free to leave a comment or email me. This sucks, but tomorrow is a new day. Wish me luck.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Breaking the Rules

Today was a great day, a day where I felt in control for a change. I, not ED was in control. I was at work for the day and while it was a super busy day, I kept my feelings in check and did not even feel vulnerable to his temptations today. You might even say I lived the day of a normal eater.

I am proud of myself for having breakfast before work today. Perhaps this doesn't sound like anything amazing to you, but one of his restrictive rules usually keeps me from eating before 9:30am. Why, you ask? I am generally a morning person and I usually like to workout before I start my day at school and on the weekends. I don't generally eat before I workout because I can't work out on a full stomach (not good, I know), but it gives me stomach cramps otherwise... so anyway, somewhere along the way I decided that I couldn't eat before working out, and he took it a step further by saying I couldn't eat before this time (usually when I finish my workouts) even on days that I don't workout because then I use up too many points too early in the day (I hope I've explained this ok...). But considering this "normal eating" concept I am trying to live and understand, I was hungry this morning at 8am so thought I would have a little something small before work (usually I wouldn't eat breakfast at work until between 10-11am). So I made myself some toast and jam, and dammit, it was good! Not only that but my stomach wasn't grumbling for the next 2 hours or so. Could this Ellen Satter be onto something? Eating when you are hungry? And not only that, but it is normal to do this? I feel so... liberated, or did today anyway. From there it only got better.

Another one of his rules is a breakdown of when I am allowed to consume a set number of WW points. Under these rules, i would not usually have more that 3 points before lunchtime. But I had already broken one rule (toast/jam), and not only that but by the time breakfast was said and done had consumed 4 points, before lunchtime! And I came across a piece of chocolate in the office, nothing huge, just a small piece that came in a courier package today from one of our suppliers. So I ate it at 11:30. So here I was before lunch and had broken two rules already. And trying to be normal, I felt zero guilt. Could this be what normal people feel like?

I ate my lunch as planned and then came the box of Tim Hortons donuts in the back office during the afternoon. I kind of wanted one, or thought I might, but to be honest I don't even really like their donuts (I've had a hard time enjoying them since they moved from the fresh to frozen baked goods several years ago). Under the binge regime I would have had one if not more out of obligation (to him) just because they were easy access. But today I said no and not to restrict myself, not to punish myself for breaking rules earlier in the day but because I don't even really like them and didn't anticipate enjoying them (did I really just say that? About a desert food?)

So I carried on with my day and went to Subway for supper out of convenience because I had a lot of errands to run after work and needed something quick and that was good too, I even ate the chips that came with the meal (Baked Lays, but still), to which I came home and had a small cup of pudding. All this and not managing to exceed my daily points allotment by more than 3 points. Interesting. Looking back over my day I had a lot of food today and enjoyed most of it, with no guilt! The big thing here for me, is no guilt. If this is what normal eating is all about, I could definitely reacquaint myself with this concept.

I know I probably sound like a changed person here, and I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I just feel so good, a lot better than I've felt in a long time. Today was a great day :)

I am in for tough times ahead though, I know every day will not be like this (but one can dream) and I am in for a long weekend and week given midterms and projects, all the while dealing with this, and I'm sure the coming weeks will not be easy, but I feel like I can do it. I hope I can. Because today was awesome. And I hope I could share some of this awesomeness with you or inspire you to have an awesome day like mine. How was your day?

xo *N

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Checking In Again

Ok, since my last check in a few hours ago I have had a good night, but I feel like I want to eat... but I won't. I don't know why I want to, but I do. But looking back I have had a good day, a good evening with some friends and finished it off with some Thursday night TV. I ate my pizza as planned (tortilla pizza with turkey-pepperoni and LF cheese - not quite what everyone else had but work on one problem at a time). And desert was relatively painless (I got home from school late so all we had was pudding, haha).

All-in-all only overate by 3 WW points, which is fine. I am already mentally preparing for tomorrow's food (and praying there are no surprises at work tomorrow), but know that I have made it through the day successfully having journalled my feelings away and am ending it on a happy note.

How was your day?


Checking In With *N - Thursday

So this is not meant to be anything exciting or insightful, just checking in with myself to identify my feelings as part of this two week challenge not to binge. I wasn't going to publish this online since I thought it might be dull for someone else to read, but I'm putting everything else here, might as well put this here too.

Today was a good day I would say, didn't feel any major ups or downs. I woke up this morning intending to go to the gym but didn't feel like going since my legs were sore from overextending myself the last few days, and through trying to be "normal" decided I should listen to my body. So I did, and I don't feel guilty, it was OK that I didn't go today.

The rest of the day was relatively painless, went out for groceries with a friend between classes. She does not drive and is having some medical problems herself right now, so it felt good to help her out and spend time with her.

I didn't stress too much about school, which is weird because I have a lot of deadlines coming up, but I will deal with that on the weekend when it's crunch time.

I am getting ready to have some friends over for dinner which I am looking forward to. We are going to make pizza and hang out for the evening. I am not worried about overeating since I am in a controlled environment and will semi-prepare mine before they get here.

So all in all, I have had a good day and feel good today. I do not need to binge or overeat tonight. Let's see how this goes.


Journalling and Normalcy

So I met with ~M~ today, it was a very productive session. I feel so empowered. About 25 minutes into our session I was updating her on the last 2 weeks and all my highs and lows regarding my eating, and she said that she was hearing a lot about the food and not enough about how I was feeling when I was binging or overeating. She tells me all the time that it isn't about the food, and I know that. So we talked a little bit about my feelings and she made a suggestion to me, that since mentally identifying them is not working for me, for me to take 10 minutes when I get home from school/work and journal so I can visually see how I am feeling and visually identify what could trigger me to binge/overeat.

We've already identified that I do this at home when I am alone. I am not one to go to McDonald's and order a bunch of Big Macs to consume and feel guilty about (finally, being a poor student is helping me!), it is when I am home, usually in the evenings that I do this. Her theory is that if I can identify my feelings and visually look at them on paper I will know when I am feeling vulnerable to binging, which will hopefully prevent me from doing so. So I am going to give that a try for two weeks (when I see her next).

Another thing I mentioned during my session was how I commented to my mother last week about how I don't know how to eat like a normal person. How do "normal" people eat food without obsessively calculating point first or stopping eating when they are actually full? I will be honest, I am not usually a fan of the word normal when it comes to a lot of things because we all have our own variations of what we celebrate and recognize as normal. But for once, I would like to know how to eat like a normal person and not worry about tracking points, overeating or eating as a coping mechanism to feeling lonely/sad/isolated/etc.

In terms of this being a coping mechanism, she stressed that this is an addiction, and for me it happens to be food. For many people it is alcohol, drugs, smoking, gambling or whatever it happens to be. And I can't hear enough people say that they recognize binging or eating is an addiction because I truly believe that it is, but I don't feel that enough people do because food is supposed to be good for you, unlike drugs or alcohol. But I've sidetracked slightly. What I was getting at was that I want to feel normal (whatever that is), and she had just the thing for me, which I will include below. This was taken from How to Get Your Kid to Eat... But Not Too Much by Ellyn Satter:

Normal Eating

Normal eating is being able to eat when you are hungry and continue eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it... not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to use some moderate constraint on your food selection, to get the right food, but NOT being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat out sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

I think this article has a lot of good insight into what's "normal" and indicates that normal will be different for everyone, but also that everyone slips up now and then, and that normal is not restricting and can be enjoying food. I am going to make my best effort to understand this over the next two weeks and hopefully live by it in my attempts to become normal. Maybe this can be my tool for fighting ED. This and my journalling. I am getting ready for a fight but my weapons will be this article and writing down my feelings when I come home, and his will be sugar, peanut butter and chocolate. I know with this ammunition and your support, I can be stronger than him. And so can you. I hope some of you will consider some of what I said and even join me in this. I know this isn't easy but we are stronger than him, I know we are.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dear Ed, You Are Strong, I Am Weak. Asshole...

I feel like shit. Surprise, surprise, I ate too much.

Yesterday was a good day, you might even say a great day. I ate pretty good, and even allowed myself to have a small treat yesterday evening so I wouldn't go to bed hungry. I woke up in relatively good spirits, which turned out to be short lived when I went to the gym. I thought I should weigh myself since I hadn't officially done that since before Christmas (I couldn't have gained that much weight, right?). Wrong. If I thought I was feeling bad before about this whole disordered eating, then this was about to make it worse. Over the last few months I have noticed my clothes were staring to fell a little tighter, but what could I do about it? Anyway, I weighed myself and to my dismay, have gained 12lbs since December 18. WTF?!?!?!?! I can't believe it, I was so disappointed to see that. I remember joking at the time, because it was right around the time of my 25th birthday, that I should get glamour shots or something showing off my body (since I had lost 20lbs since the summertime when I started officially on Weight Watchers) and thought I may never look this good again. Good foreshadowing on my part, I should have known not to be cocky about my success because here I am 3 months later, 12 lbs heavier with cute little clothes that don't fit. So needless to say this set the tone for my day.

I did a pretty intense workout at the gym, ate moderately at school today, came home and ran on the treadmill, and then got ready for this family party I wasn't sure if I would attend last week because I anticipated temptations. But I ended up going, and I even tried to take proactive steps to fight him. For example, before I left my house, I ate cereal and toast so I wouldn't be ravishingly hungry by the time I got there. But he laughed at my attempts and once I got there, he was in control.

Dinner started out pretty harmless. I started out with lots of fruit and veggies and even had a sandwich, of which I stripped of any cheese and other condiments. Then it started with a few potato chips, which led to a lot of potato chips, cashews (mmm....), dips, hummus, everything in sight. Then it was time for desert. How I managed to get a fifth of the 8" cake I still don't know (someone else cut it, I swear!), but rather than share it with someone, I ate it all. It was my kind of thing too, this chocolaty/caramel/fudge conglomerate of goodness. After this I polished off two small slivers of sheet cake, under the disappointing glare of my father (this was embarrassing because I know he was screaming at me in his mind for me to stop). I think you might consider my eating tonight somewhat of a public binge because I just had to have something in my mouth at all times, it was so bad, but it felt so good at the time. So this was game on and I was fantasizing about what I would have when I got home since my parents weren't supposed to be coming right home, but it turned out they did. I managed to get away with eating Cool Whip out of the container, a granola bar, pudding mixed with peanut butter (what?) and some ice cream. And I want more but I am getting pretty tired so luckily tiredness wins tonight (well, not really a win now that I reread that...).

So tomorrow I'm back at day 1. He got a good laugh over my attempts to be stronger than him, he's still leaning over my shoulder laughing at me. This is getting so discouraging, I feel like I just keep writing the same things over and over - I do good and I'm happy, I do bad and I'm sad... I am glad to be meeting with my counsellor tomorrow. For the sake of this blog I will call her ~M~. I really feel like I need to chat, I don't know how long I can keep this up, it is both mentally and physically exhausting. On top of all this, I hate myself for having gained this weight in a short amount of time, it seems like it took a lot longer to come off. I know my thyroid has something to do with it - having an under active thyroid slows you metabolism but it doesn't make me binge, which is what I need to learn to control and I know once I can control what I put in my mouth, everything else will fall into place.

Anyways, wish me luck tomorrow. I hope you are all doing better than me.


Catching Up

Hi Girls. Again I apologize for slacking. I have less than a month left of school, so once it is over I promise to be more diligent about writing! I will do my best to catch up.

Friday was a relatively good day. I managed to say no to the leftover birthday cake in the fridge at my office (not an easy feat by the way), and I was quite pleased with myself too because that cream cheese icing looked incredible. But I made it through 6 long hours without eating it. I ended up cancelling my dinner plans due to bad weather in Halifax, I have an old vehicle with all season tires, but it was OK that dinner was cancelled because I wasn't depressed over it or anything, I ended up having a nice dinner in with my family. So Friday was a success.

Then Saturday was an OK day too. I had a lot of left over "bonus points" from my diet plan so I had a lot to eat but didn't feel guilty about it because I hadn't technically binged on anything. I was slightly disappointed with that Mars Caramel bar, not as good as I had hoped. I would almost consider eating it a waste of a treat but that's neither here nor there. We had company for dinner in the evening, which again was good. I ate moderately and even had some desert which I had budgeted for. Another successful day. One more to go to finish out the week.

Then Sunday came and while it wasn't a bad day, I wouldn't necessarily consider it having been a good day. I had the munchies all day and I was doing my best to stay within my allowed points but by the end of the day, I had over eaten by quite a bit. But I wouldn't say I binged, I did definitely over eat though, so I don't know how to classify Sunday as...

Overall it wasn't a bad weekend, given this is my danger time and where my week generally spikes. How did you all make out?



Catching Up

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Growing Stronger

Today was a good day, an odd day... I ate good throughout the day, had a good meal for supper with a few treats after dinner (not binging or overeating though since they were within my daily points), but I didn't know if I was going to make it. I had been at my bf's place for dinner and after supper I found myself thinking about eating, and how I had to go get gas and water before I went home. This was to be done at the Irving gas station. If you aren't familiar with Irving, they have an amazing bakery section, which I thought about for at least an hour prior to going to the gas station. It is my kind of food too, lots of chocolatey, cakey dreams. And this is where I question whether this is a sugar addiction because I during this hour, I was feeling like a smoker might feel when they crave a cigarette, I had to have something.

So I went over, pumped my gas, headed inside, straight to the bakery section where I spent probably 4-5 minutes just looking, picking up different squares/treats which I might have. And I was salivating at this point. But perhaps I was able to overpower Ed or I just lost interest, but I wasn't convinced that these things were fresh, therefore do I really want to do this on something that won't be worth it? Maybe I was looking for an excuse not to get something, but I left with just my water and my gas. Now that I'm writing this, I'm reliving the feeling I felt about needing to have something, but I'm writing from bed, too tired to indulge in anything, so I will call this a success, although I want something right now, but my tiredness is saving me.

I am worried about going out for dinner tomorrow night with friends, hopefully I can make it through dinner without stressing over restricting myself and eating a dry salad, and mad at them for eating "real food".

So this was my 3rd day. Here's to day 4, going into the weekend.

Have a good one!



Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Another Day

The day isn't over yet (still have one more hour before bed, a lot can happen in 60 minutes, so I don't want to get cocky yet), but I feel I can safely say that I have gone two full days without binging. But it's all I thought about today. The weird thing is I still feel like I want to binge, to eat, to feel good. I am feeling pretty tired today but was happy to see some encouraging words posted this morning, thanks girls! Today was better than yesterday, hopefully tomorrow will be better than today, one day at a time...

I don't have too much to talk about today. I got in a slight argument with my mother about not going to a family party next week. Not because I don't want to, because I do, but my aunt is an amazing cook and I'm not sure if he is going to let me go to a dinner party (and gasp, on a Tuesday night! I usually restrict Monday-Thursday), and I'm afraid of overeating. My weight is up and I'm depressed. But maybe if I have a good weekend (i.e. no binging/overeating) he will let me go.

I hope you all had a good day today.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I'm Exhausted

What a long day. I spent most of the day mentally fighting him. I ate this many points, I had this many points left, supper was going to be this many points, wanting to binge, etc.

This was such a weird day. All day I wanted to binge on food - *N actually wanted to binge. Usually when I binge, I never want to and always think to myself to stop, but I can't. This was different, I just wanted to eat food. I feel so depressed today. Depressed and tired. But on the plus side I received thyroid medication from my doctor, which I started today, so I am hoping this will help with bringing up my mood.

I got home from school, already stressed after barely passing a midterm and mentally arguing with him all day. By the time I got home, I was feeling emotionally drained, hungry and stressed out. I became further upset when I got home and saw that my mother had cooked a pot of her clam chowder, something I love. But I wasn't allowed to have it after having binged the last three days, which stressed me out further. I was thisclose to tears (and really, over what?). So rather than enjoy the chowder with my family, as I would have enjoyed, I ate fat-free hot dogs and steamed veggies in front of the TV, but really, what kind of demented excuse for a meal is that anyway? A penance meal, I guess. It's interesting that despite my desire to binge and eat, I couldn't let myself eat the chowder.

So as hard as today was, I can officially say that I did not binge. According to my definition, I did overeat today, but only by 3 WW points (not the end of the world). I feel like I am down in a funk and I don't know if I even want to be "binge-sober". I am not confident I can not binge tomorrow, because I don't know if abstaining from binging is what I want right now, but I can just take it one moment at a time.

Anyway, I'm off to bed for some much needed sleep.

xo *N

Monday, March 2, 2009

Hate That I Love You

Ugh. I thought I could fight this today, but I am weak and he is strong, too strong for me today. If Rihanna goes back to a man who beats her, what chance do the rest of us have at leaving our abusive relationships? (I understand domestic abuse doesn't necessarily compare to disordered eating and many people may not understand the comparisson, but the book Life Without Ed explains the similarities quite nicely).

Why do I feel that eating myself sick into a food coma is actually going to make me feel better? I can't think of anything in my life that could actually feel worse than I physically feel right now.

It started out as a good day. I had planned to detox after yesterday. I went to bed with the intent to do a juice cleanse, however, I woke up hungry and thought "this is a new day, restricting will only make me vulnerable". So I went about my day counting points and grazing throughout the day. I started to fall around dinner time when I spotted leftover trifle in the fridge, where I ate out of the pan. Then for dinner, made myself a plate of veggies and rice (note I wasn't allowed chicken after having eaten desert before dinner). But then after supper, I finished off the trifle (I honestly thought I could have just a taste), and then it was game on - deja vu.

So I ate more PB than I think I've ever eaten in a setting (I'm dreading having to justify this to my parents if it comes up), ice cream, cookies, chocolate (which I will say was leftover from my brother's binge on the weekend when he was home, how do I know? It was hidden under his bad), frozen coffee cake, and probably the worst of all, I actually made up a small bowl of icing to eat. That's right. I made icing. If that's not hitting rock bottom, I don't know what is.

So I'm back to where I was 24 hours ago. My stomach feels like shit, I hate myself, I'm feeling very jittery, my teeth actually feel like they're aching from all the sugar, and I am in for another long night. Doing this pretty much ruins any chance of concentrating on school work because now all I think about is how sick I feel. I don't know why this is 2 days in a row, I was doing so well, DAMMIT!!! This sucks.

What are you all saying tonight? How was the weekend? Better than mine I hope.

:( *N

Sunday, March 1, 2009


I'm not sure how this might work, but I thought I could open up a specific place for people who may want to converse with others. You are always free to comment on specific entries or to email me directly, but you are also more than welcome to throw out your own questions/comments to anyone who might drop by. I know we've all got our own experiences and ways of dealing with this, feel free to share some of yours.



My personal motto: Go big or go home.

Several hours since my last post and while I have slowed down (I've eaten supper, desert, more desert, and ice cream), I still want more, despite my swelling stomach (I'm still trying to decide if it is me who wants more, or him who wants me to eat more. My mind is so confused right now). I am afraid that once everyone goes to bed, it will be on again. UGH. This is exhausting. And my head hurts, possibly from all the sugar I've consumed today. Someone help me. I hate this. Saddest girl online :(

Restrict, Overeat, Binge, RESTART

So I survived Monday-Thursday relatively painlessly (emphasis on restrictive, but survived nonetheless).

Friday started out pretty good until I arrived at work, and I encountered something I hadn't planned or budgeted for, and it messed me up. One of my co-workers brought peanut butter balls to work (the size of about 2 golf balls, seriously, they were huge!). And if that wasn't bad enough, there were these chocolate-peanut butter Easter candies there as well (are these people conspiring against me with my weakness for chocolate and peanut butter?).

I survived the morning only thinking about these treats calling for me, but the afternoon went downhill when I allowed myself to have one PB Ball. Then I had 4 more and lost track of the smaller chocolates. I hadn't felt too guilty about this, although I only ended up eating light popcorn for supper that night, much to my boyfriend's dismay (I'm not the girl who will match him forkful for forkful like I was 4 years ago when we first got together, and he sees this. It disappoints him to no end that he has lost me to another man (Ed) with a strong hold over me). So all this extra food prevented me from having a real meal (trying to deal with the binge for now, deal with restrictions later, baby steps *N, baby steps).

Moving onto Saturday, was an OK day. I started off, business as usual, planning out my daily food, etc. It was fairly painless until I decided on having desert (the end of the month, I was volunteering at my church dinner and couldn't say no to all the deserts they have there). So I decided on this chocolate cheesecake which looked amazing and packed it up to go. So we went home, ate supper and then the desert, and it was all fine.

The whole time I was there, we were watching a movie and I was thinking about how much I wanted to binge and fantasizing about past binges (weird, I know) which was confusing to me, because I was trying to ask myself why I was feeling the urge and I don't know why. I wasn't feeling lonely or alone, as were my triggers identified in therapy.

After desert, I still wasn't satisfied, so I went in search of more. This is where I will say I overate, and it was overeating rather than binging because it was in the presence of my BF and I honestly felt like I was allowing myself to eat. So I had chocolate rice cakes with peanut butter (chunky peanut butter at his house - double whammy), then had a muffin (which I spread with chocolate Duncan Hines icing because, lets face it, it's damn good stuff. That's the danger of being at his place I guess - bachelor food), finished off with a 100 Calorie pack. Not too bad for "overeating" I guess. But by the 100 Calorie pack he said to me "after that don't have anything else". WTF! I'm a grown-ass woman! His heart was in the right place though, he just meant that he didn't want me to get mad at myself for overeating. But it pissed me off, so to spite him, when he went to the bathroom I snuck some PB, icing out of the can (icing spoons), more peanut butter and chocolate kisses (could have been the beginning of a binge if he wasn't so quick in the bathroom). Interesting that I can justify eating the extras to spite him when he didn't actually know I did this and only ended up hurting myself... When he said this to me though, it reconfirmed why people binge when they are alone. It is embarrassing in front of others.

So I woke up this morning thinking about food and the night before. I was in for a looong day. Started off obsessively measuring my cereal and measuring out my peanut butter for my toast (yes, having an actual legitimate serving of PB, it can be done). I went on my way to the gym but by the time I got home I wanted to eat. And I think I knew I was going to binge, I wanted to binge after fantasizing about it the night before. From the time I got home I was waiting for my parents to leave for the afternoon, and then would say I ate for about a solid 2 hours (seriously). I ate everything I could find, and I feel like ass. I can't recap everything I ate but some "highlights" include ice cream bars (note that is plural bars), PB (light and regular - 2 different kinds in the house, supposedly hidden from me, but when an addict wants something they will find it, right?), countless 100 calorie packs, chocolate bars (again, plural), chips/dip, this pudding/cream cheese/cool whip concoction eaten with graham crackers (once the house has been purged of old favourites you get creative about how you will find something new), and the list goes on from there...

I feel so shitty right now. Not just because of all the food rotting in my stomach and forming into fat in my thighs and ass as I type, but I let myself down, I had been doing soooo good. I let you down. I let him win. I had gone so long. FUCK!!! I hate myself. I didn't have to do this. But it is part of the cycle. I start my week with restricting myself. I begin the descent downhill by overeating and I crash with a binge. This is what makes him happy, he is in control -the way he likes it. Tomorrow I will be back to restricting, because under his rules, I restrict during the week. What's pissing me off is I'm going to be with him tonight again, I'm planning on a full supper with desert (go big or go home, right?). Ugh, my insides are killing me now. I'm in for a long night of school work and feeling sorry for myself, wishing I could purge. I may try this later. I had been doing so well too. I honestly thought I was out of my funk that was holding me down. I had gotten cocky and he brought me down a notch. Fuck.

I hope you are all doing better than me

xo *N

Family Secrets

More apologies! A week between posts! School is keeping me busy, but only one month left.

So I survived the week... Monday-Thursday consuming the bare minimum of allowed daily "points", per his restrictions. Thursday was an interesting day. My brother being home from university for the week, I started to fill him in on most of these problems. And I discussed getting "in the zone", feeling out of control, not being able to stop, and it being such a high to eat food, but then it's followed by such a crash, and all that foolishness that goes along with this. At one point he started to laugh. Why was this funny to him? What he said next shocked me, and still shocks me. HE DOES IT TOO. What? This is a man who is a varsity athlete at his university, this doesn't make any sense. But he went on to say how he was studying eating disorders in class and when they discussed binge eating and compulsive eating, he realized he fit into these categories. He said how when he is out drinking with his friends he longs to be home eating, getting the high through food rather than alcohol like his friends.

Then he said about last weekend when he came home drunk and ate my DQ. When he got home, he went on a binge and ate himself to sleep. He didn't even remember eating the TP until I asked him about it, then it all came back to him. So he was just as upset as I had been because he knew it wasn't a drunken eating fest when he was home, but another moment of losing control, and not even remembering it. That's scary stuff, and I can't believe my own brother does this. He is good at hiding it and he is obsessive about eating healthily (when he's not binging apparently), and will even criticize others for not eating right. And I had no idea.

His weaknesses are similar to mine, anything sweet, desert type things, he identified PB as his #1 vice (weird), anything fried/junky (I never usually binge/overeat real food, just desert type things), etc. Basically anything goes for him. So this isn't just something that affects women, my brother is a victim as well. And I have had other men email me through this blog as well who feel the shame of hiding this dirty little secrets.

We made a deal to call each other when the urge strikes to talk it through (although I didn't take him up on this this weekend - see next post). I do feel good having discussed this with him and am glad to have someone else who understands this.

Who do you turn to for support?

xo *N