Feeling Down

Alright, I haven't been good about journalling lately, perhaps because I am feeling cocky (therefore don't have to write down my feelings), but am feeling vulnerable now, so here it goes.

I've had a good week, and today marks my 21st day "food sober"! But in spite of this I am feeling down, not because I binged, but because I overate today (as in exceeded my daily points target by 5 on something I didn't need). It was leftover supper that had been sitting out on the counter for a few hours and when I got home this evening was picking at the pan. It wasn't much and I wouldn't consider it a binge, it is getting me down because I have a big party weekend ahead of me, so was trying to be "good" through the week to justify some indulgences this weekend. But it wasn't in my food plan and because I ate it I am stressing out over it, it is all I'm thinking about now as I go to bed... ugh.

Heading to work tomorrow we have a birthday to celebrate, so that means ice cream cake, which I usually love but am unsure about since I do have a big weekend ahead of me... this possibly means no lunch or supper tomorrow to budget for the cake, sigh. I actually don't want to go to work because of it...

So like I said, in spite of feeling down right now, I am on day 21, which 3 weeks ago sounded impossible. I guess going into the weekend I have to remember that I do not want to sabotage myself; eating will not feel as good as I will feel putting up stars on my calendar on Monday...

Surviving the Weekend

I survived my weekend out of town! Believe it or not, it actually almost turned out to be easier than if I had been home, which is odd because I have a lot of anxiety about eating other people's food... I was out all day Saturday, so had a big lunch which took away the urge to munch as I sipped on diet soda at a pub and then the evening turned out to be pretty painless. I did have one piece of fudge, but it was just one, and was ok :)

I found myself up late by myself on Saturday night and found what could have been my former binge-self's dream: peanut butter, marshmallow fluff and nutella. I found myself fantasizing about some sort of concoction I could make with all these but in the end, it didn't happen. I felt like I wanted it, but it wasn't even mine, so it would have been "stealing food", I didn't want to sabotage myself (I would have just crashed emotionally after that) and would have physically felt like crap. So that is a small victory for me.

I went to a family birthday party on Sunday evening and resisted cake (mind you I had promised myself Dairy Queen afterwards but I felt it was another small victory to say no to the cake, among MANY other temptations available that night). But left the party only having had a cup of tea and then went to "celebrate" at DQ with a brownie explosion (so yummy), and it was perfectly ok since it was within my weekly points, so no guilt!

So this past weekend turned out to be a lot better than I anticipated... have a big weekend coming up again which I don't know will be so easy... more to come

xo

Friday Recap

Just a regular day. I was at work today and had brought all my food with me. Hadn't planned on the one piece of chocolate that found its way onto my desk, but I dealt with it, not by depriving myself, but by ENJOYING the one piece of chocolate. It wasn't the end of the world and didn't kill me. So while it may not sound huge to have eaten one piece of chocolate, I know even a month ago I would have tortured myself over it for hours before eating it and feeling guilty for the rest of the day, so 2 thumbs up there.

I am getting ready to head out of town tomorrow for the night and am slightly worried about my food for tomorrow. In anticipation of being houseguests tomorrow, we have made some fudge to take as a small token gift... hopefully not setting myself up for danger but I have cleared 2 hurdles so far this evening, one being that I didn't fawn over it as it was being made; and two that when I went to put it away about a half hour ago, I didn't get into it, nor did I feel deprived of it! So I feel like this is half the battle. Maybe I will have some tomorrow, who knows... I HOPE that if I do have some, it is in moderation and not the better part of a full pan of it. Won't get the chance to journal tomorrow since I will be away - maybe I will take a notebook to write in if I feel the urge strike. I guess where I am now is that I see this as a dangerous time, so I have to be on my game tomorrow, probably more so than I have been within the last 15 days... Here's to hoping!

xo

Thursday Recap

Thursday turned out to be a good day as well, and looking back, it could have been grounds for failure - not that I had been feeling emotional or down, but I found myself home yesterday afternoon, and decided to clean out the kitchen cupboards, since they were spilling over with old food and cardboard boxes. Looking back, this could have been dangerous, since it was stuffed with lots of cereal, baking supplies and more, but wasn't I believe for a few reasons:

1. I had eaten fairly regularly throughout the day so wasn't hungry when I undertook the task (I'm really trying to work this "normal eating" thing)
2. I wasn't interested in eating this food, since I had a good meal planned and didn't see the point in sabotaging myself since I am doing good
3. I was more interested in cleaning out the cupboard rather than eating. These reasons reinforce that IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD FOR ME! If it was about the food I may not have resisted, but I felt emotionally good yesterday, which helped me fight off the eating demon that gets in my head.

So If I can keep a clear head through journalling and not binging, I know I can do this. I went back to the OA meeting last night. I believe that it works for a lot of people and has helped many, but am not convinced of its philosophy for me. I am however going to try it out for a few more weeks to give it a fair shot. If anything, I love the peer support available. So will see how it goes over the next few weeks.

Wednesday Recap

Sorry for not catching up on posts before now, it's been a crazy few days. I will start with my session with ~M~. I met with her on Wednesday and it was a great session. I feel a little crazy sometimes going in to see her since she can likely never predict what mental state I will show up in, but I showed up in a good mood on Wednesday ready to talk about my successes over the last 13 days.

I explained to her about my sticker system and she thought it was a great idea - behaviour modification (essentially rewarding good behaviour), and mentioned in the past how she herself has used that on herself, as well as others. seem to have found something that works, so lets stick with it. She suggested taking it a step further, having recognized that journalling (blogging my feelings away) helps me keep on track with my feelings, she suggested another sticker for everyday that I journal, since I do like to see stickers on my calendar, haha. So I guess I wouldn't get a sticker for the last few days since I have been neglectful, but I am going to do that as well. This will give me a chance to clear my head and thoughts on days when I am feeling overwhelmed, and you know I'm going to want that other sticker! So I am going to work with that as well.

Since doing so well, ~M~ reinforced my successes by reminding me that if I feel like I'm on the verge of slipping, to question why I would want to sabotage myself after doing so well for so long, which makes sense, I mean why would I want to go back to feeling so shitty and down all the time, when I can feel good? I don't know that eating ever really made me happy since I HATE myself afterwards...

I went to see a movie that evening, but had a big meal before I left so didn't feel the need to be munchy when I got there, and treated myself to something small once I got home.

Another Good Day :)

Today was another good day for me! It was nothing special so this will be nothing exciting. I broke routine and had a light breakfast before I went to the gym this morning (a BIG nono under the ED regime), so I feel good about allowing myself to do so. This is a big part of this "normal eating" I had been trying to understand - eating when my body tells me to, not when the routine or ED says to, so it is a big deal that I had done so today. I nourished myself with another small feeding after the gym as well.

I survived the afternoon having gone out for lunch for a good sized salad, which held me through the afternoon, right until supper time when I had a good plate of spaghetti, yum!

Had a few treats after dinner, but nothing major. I surpassed my daily points target by 4, but that is ok because the treats were worth it.

I'm heading to see ~M~ tomorrow, I feel like I have a lot to talk about and update her on.

I hope you all had a good day :)

xo

Checking In

Hopefully not premature, but I have survived another day! It was a beautiful day and managed to get outside for a while for a walk on a nearby trail, which was great exercise, but also kept my mind occupied with something other than food. Not much to report on today, heading out for a night of tv with the bf, but he is usually good to keep me in line if I start to stray.

I hope you all had a good day. Nothing exciting on for tomorrow, but hopefully will be another good day.

xo *N

8,9,10!

Hello! I hope you all had a good weekend, mine was super busy with lots going on, but will update as best I can.

I was nervous going into the weekend, having gone out on Friday and Saturday night. Friday night turned out to be ok. I went about my regular business and when we got to our friend's place, it was just an evening of drinking (of which I did not partake), so I was happy to sip water for the evening, and felt NO temptations! So that evening earned me my 8th shiny star :)

Saturday was just a regular day - had barbecue for supper (YUM!), but after supper started feeling munchy... maybe not munchy, but I got in the mood for ice cream. So my mom and I snuck out for about a half hour to head to DQ where we both indulged on banana splits, and it really hit the spot. There was no guilt associated with this treat since I really hadn't eaten anything "extra" during the week (as in had not exceeded my daily ww points allowance, so had a lot to burn). So I think having that treat before the birthday party we went to Saturday night prepared me to say no to birthday treats. I was able to go the party the whole night and not eat anything (lots of hors d'heurves, desserts, etc). Toward the end of the night I had felt a little munchy and found myself staring longingly at chocolate brownies, but was able to resist. I was stronger than the brownies. 9th shiny star!

So then today was a long day. We went to my bf's parents house, which is usually worrisome for me because it often consists of uncertain foods, as in foods which I don't know nutritional information for (which I find to be very stressful when I can't calculate points... something I would eventually like to not obsess over, but for now I'm tyring to deal with the binging - baby steps). So I packed up my food for the day and stuck to what I had packed. I think when I first started doing this they were offended that I was bringing my own food, but I think they just ignore it now. I don't disagree that it's weird, but again, I will deal with this fear of eating uncertain foods eventually. So while they all ate soup, I quietly ate my instant oatmeal in the kitchen by myself, but I couldn't handle the stress of eating the soup, so I guess it was ok. It was had after lunch when someone brought out chocolate cookies and laid them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, but I literally angled my body away from them so I couldn't see them and pushed them out of mind (which was damn hard!)

By the time we left, I realized I still had a lot of points leftover, as my food week ends today, so on the way home we swung into Tim Hortons where I got a donut and iced capp. When I eventually made it home I had turkey dinner (in moderation) and dessert (again, in moderation). Now I know it looks like I have eaten a lot of food since Saturday night when we went for ice cream, but I maintain that I have not binged on anything, and that I have not overeaten. When calculating my "points", I even came in under my daily and weekly points allowance, so while it sounds like I have overeaten, I did good. 10 shiny stars!

About a half hour ago, people were starting to go to bed in my house and I saw an opportunity to go downstairs for more dessert, which I really don't need, since I have a full stomach, and I stood in the kitchen for a second or two getting water, and I thought to myself "Is that what *N wants? What would my brother do? Better yet, what would he WANT me to do?" And this was enough to snap me out of it and send me here, to my computer. I am glad I was able to catch myself in the moment and be so sensible about what I was thinking, because it seems when I get on any stretch of doing good is when I lose my edge, and find myself back at Day 1. I am looking at my calendar with all my shiny stars on it and see I have a solid week plus a few days without binging - and I know this hasn't happened in a while because looking back over my food diary, I usually write off Saturdays and/or Sundays. So I am not going to get ahead of myself and say I am going for 2 weeks or 14 days, because that is overwhelming, but I am going to make it through the day tomorrow. "One day at a time" is the motto that will get me through this.

So this week I am meeting with M (my counsellor) on Wednesday, of which I hope I will have a good update for her; and then Thursday I will go back to that OA meeting, although maybe I should try my hand again at that Tuesday evening meeting, if I can figure out where it is... I am going out of town on Saturday, to return on Sunday which is a bit of a worry because I`m not sure I will be able to control the food available to me. Hopefully I will be ok to bring my own food, but I will deal with this later in the week as it gets closer to Saturday.

Well this was longer than I thought, but about updates my weekend. It was a good weekend, and I feel so good. And feeling good is NOT A REASON FOR ME TO BINGE :)

xo *N

Friday

Work turned out to be a worry for nothing. I had packed my food for the day, but to my (happy) surprise, there was no leftover Easter candy, so I managed to survive the day! I came home to eat a good supper, and had a nice treat afterward as well. I'm getting ready to head out to meet up with some friends shortly, I am hoping there isn't too much food around. I can say no to liquor, but the food is a little harder. Same for tomorrow night, we are heading out to a party... I guess my upcoming challenges will be successfully surviving tonight and tomorrow night. And I guess it's not binging that worries me, it will be the opportunity to overeat.

I hope you all had a good day.

To the man who sent a comment, I misplaced it, but thanks for posting. As much as I'm sorry you suffer with this as well, it is always comforting to hear that this affects men, not just women. Have you ever considered therapy for this? I know for me, it helps so much to talk to my counsellor every two weeks...

Just Checking In

Survived another day! Didn't make it to the OA meeting tonight since I had other plans for the evening, but I was feeling strong today. This is my 7th consecutive day :) I felt really good today, and by that I mean I felt happy, I feel like my head is out of the clouds again (which seems to be where it goes when I'm binging). I feel like my head is clear and I am feeling emotionally and mentally better (but again I've said this before and this seems to be when I fall). So going into tomorrow and the weekend I am going to have to be on my game and be sure to check in with my feelings so I can see them spelled out for me.

I am slightly worried about going to work tomorrow, I have a feeling there will be temptations :( but in anticipation of this I am going to go into work with my game face on.

How did you make out today?

xo

:)

Another day! Another day of food sobriety! This would be day 6 I guess. I survived dining out with my friends and I have to say, I actually enjoyed myself, I mean I don't remember having such a good time in recent memory. The only stress of the evening was when a friend ordered this appetizer for the table and insisted on my trying it, to which I did, but only had a little bit. I ate my own meal and the soup and bread that came with it with no guilt, and stopped when I was full (is this how normal people do it?)! The evening was a success! So not much to report, but a quiet day is a good day.

Hope you had a good day today!

xo *N

Just Checking In

It's about midday on Wednesday and I'm feeling good. I had a great conversation with my brother last night, he is just so motivating to me - he's become like my own personal cheerleader or something. He gets it.

Anyway, I woke up not feeling good this morning, in a grumpy mood, you could say - as I snapped at my boyfriend for no real reason. Then things got a little confrontational with my mother, which upset me, she has a way of getting under my skin - she knows what to say to get at me. So in spite of my grumpy/down mood right now, I am going to go out of my way today to not overeat or binge, because these times when I'm down are apparently when I become vulnerable to food. BINGING WILL NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

I'm a little worried, I'm heading out to dinner with friends this evening to celebrate us all being done school. I'm going to try and steer the dinner to a restaurant with "safe food", i.e. a place that has nutritional information available on the website so I can track calories /points *sigh*, but if not will have to do my best to choose a smart choice.

So to recap, my goals for the day:
- don't overeat or binge to compensate for my grumpy mood
- make a good choice tonight at dinner with my friends
- BINGING WILL NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

xo *N

Another Day

Today was a good day - not over yet, but I think it's safe to say I did ok. I survived the luncheon, although it was slightly depressing when I told my former co-workers I wouldn't be joining them for the actual lunch part of the afternoon, and I felt like such a weirdo saying "I brought my own lunch", or "I ate before I came", really, who does either of these things when you know you're going to a gourmet catered luncheon? I felt like having made these excuses, this is the bottom. But it was interesting and my imagination could be running wild, but I spoke with another woman briefly, not much older than myself as we both sat outside of the dining room, waiting for the meal to be finished. She said she ate before she came, but I couldn't help but wonder, was she controlled by ED as well? I really can't imagine why someone would actually not eat at a function like this, aside from having a skewed relationship with food which wouldn't allow her to eat, as was the case for me... I don't know, maybe she legitimately ate beforehand, but I had to wonder... So I ended eating my own cold leftover "diet pizzas" in privacy, rather than mingling with former coworkers over soup, chicken/potatoes, and chocolate trifle, since when I'm not busy binging, I'm busy dieting, like I was today. Oh the price you pay...

That aside I came home and ate dinner, no problems there. I tried to go to another OA meeting, this one was in a different location and on a different night, because I have other plans on Thursday which will prevent me from going to the meeting at the same place as last week. I found this other meeting on the website, but I ended up getting lost in the maze of the Halifax hospital and couldn't even find the meeting. Disappointing, because I really want to pursue this, but not much I can do about it. Will have to be strong on my own until NEXT Thursday!

I am going into the end of day 5 and am feeling pretty good about it, my head seems to be clear for the time being. Here's to day 6 tomorrow! Happy Birthday April!

xo *N

Things Get A Little Easier

Oh what a day... nothing exciting, but without getting ahead of myself, I think I earned my 4th consecutive shiny star!

I'll be honest, around lunch time I was starting to get a little antsy... unsure about how my day might play out, as I had plans of sitting around the house for the afternoon, but my brother convinced me to head out for the afternoon, which I did. I set out to Michael's to which I browsed through there for a while but didn't really see anything that caught my eye there in terms of finding a new hobby, but that was ok. I headed over to Chapters and picked up a drink and found a book on binge eating which I sat down and read for a while (that's the beauty of Chapters, you can stay as long as you like without buying anything... hey I only have a few more months of using the poor student excuse so have to take advantage of it while I can). I forget the name of the book and only got a few chapters in, but it was basically discussing the characteristics of binge eating, who does it, etc. I'm going to head back later in the week to read some more, I am interested in the 2nd half of the book which speaks of ways to stop binging... So nothing too exciting, but before I knew it, it was 4pm and I hadn't really eaten since lunchtime, and that wasn't the end of the world.

From there I went in search of discounted Easter candy, of which I bought some for my bf that I hid in his apartment since he is out of town until tomorrow, and bought 2 cream eggs and mini eggs for myself. This was the hard part - I had them with me all afternoon, but did not intend on eating them today, I am saving those for another time... not sure when, I just don't want to miss out on those Easter staples when I feel up to enjoying them. They called out to me once I got home as I was watching tv, but I said no to them, which looking back on, I am proud of. I have however given them to my mother to guard (i.e. hide) from me until I request them. This is kind of degrading but I'm not at the point where I can trust myself yet with these treats.

I made it home and made myself some mini pizzas for supper (a low fat, tortilla "pizza", if you can call it pizza...), of which I usually eat 2. But once I had eaten the first one, I was able to listen to my body and recognize I wasn't hungry for the second one! Rather than eating it out of obligation or because it is in front of my, I wrapped it up to have for lunch tomorrow. The best part is, having a small supper allowed me to have DESSERT with NO GUILT and without OVEREATING! This is amazing! And it was so good.

So I guess looking back over the day, this was a great day, I think I made some positive steps today. However, I am slightly worried about tomorrow... I am volunteering at a luncheon for the day which is serving a 3 course lunch. My brother said not to worry about it and not to let my issues with food disrupt my day tomorrow, but I do not feel like I can handle a 3 course meal at lunch time, so unfortunately I have my own lunch, complete with healthy snacks, packed and ready to go. I hope I do not get distracted while I am there, because I'm sure it's going to be a tempting menu... but I am feeling strong and feel good about packing my own lunch. So wish me luck tomorrow, I just pray there isn't chocolate cake or something for dessert...

xo *N

Day 3

Another day... another long day, and it wasn't easy but I did make it. I'm not going to lie, as I sit here typing this I want to eat, I mean I want to eat big... but I won't. I've got my brother looking out for me every time I go to the kitchen. And I just treat myself to a little something after supper which was yummy and possibly took the edge off. I found myself getting restless this afternoon so dragged my ass to the gym, which was a good distraction. So I'm heading for my 3rd shiny star, haha.

I went to church this morning but didn't necessarily feel the spiritual connection I had been hoping for, but there was no harm done in going... maybe it will take a few times to re-establish the connection I was hoping for, and hopefully OA will assist in that...

Today being Easter I didn't feel temptations like I thought I might, although there was nothing around to distract me, so I feel like this was a good day, all in all.

So I'm heading into tomorrow, I know it will be easy, the beginning of the week always is (I hope that's not too cocky!). I hope you all had a good Easter!

xo

*N

Day 2 - Checking In

What a long day.... I thought about food alllll day, but am happy to say that I did not give in :) It wasn't easy though, I made my brother hide the rest of the chipits before he went out because I didn't trust myself to be alone with them.

I felt kind of depressed when my parents returned from vacation with some new clothes for me that I had to pretend I liked while I sucked in my gut, as the size mediums I have previously worn seem to have become too small for me (wait, the sizes aren't wrong, I've just been eating too much, thus gained weight... crap). But hopefully through stopping binging I can get back to what I once was in time to wear these new shirts for summer. They really are some cute shirts... Either way, binging will not get me into those shirts any sooner, and is therefor not the answer to my problem. I still feel like I am feeling the effects of a food hangover though, I feel kind of gross like I did yesterday, which is weird since 2 days later I shouldn't feel like this... but hopefully tomorrow will be back to my "regular" feeling self, whatever that is.

I've managed to weasel out of the family party for Easter tomorrow night. The last time I went to one of these big family functions I WAY overdid it, and I don't for see tomorrow's soiree being any different. With my brother being home and my parents returning from vacation, they suggested making a small dinner with just us, which I think will be nice and won't put me into a situation I can't handle. I think it worked out for the best because I don't think anyone else was really looking forward to going anyway. So maybe tomorrow won't be so bad after all, maybe I will get that 2nd sticker :)

I think I had mentioned I am looking for a hobby in a comment I posted, JJ is making jewelry... does anyone have any good suggestions for a cheap/easy hobby that would occupy my time and keep my hands busy for when I get the "urge"?

xo

*N

OA and the Sticker System

So I went to the Overeater's Anonymous meeting on Thursday night, and I am just sorry I hadn't gone sooner. I am not sure what I expected, but I think this will be good for me. It was comforting enough to hear about the other women who were there and what their struggles with food are - they really aren't that different from mine. It was funny because these women were just so "normal" looking and if I ran into them on the street I wouldn't guess they have issues with food. I guess what is funny is, is how common a problem like this actually is, but it isn't anything people are really comfortable talking about - unless you find yourself in a group of peers or anonymously blogging to strangers on the Internet... Anyway, I am looking forward to going back next week and learning more about how to fight this and relinquishing control to a "higher power", as is the basis of the group.

I'm not going to lie though, the whole time I was there, I was thinking about having pizza once I left - to which I drove around to 4 different pizza shops until I found one which had donair pizza (WTF?!? That was the first time in my life I ever ate donair pizza, but suddenly in that meeting I had been craving it... oh my). So I came home and polished the slice off, to which I finished the jar of peanut butter (sigh - not looking forward to explaining that to my mom when she notices, because it was the "hidden" peanut butter) and ate more peanut butter chipits, all before my boyfriend came over. And I felt bad about lying to him when I said I only had a frozen dinner for supper, but didn't know how I could justify eating pizza after going to that meeting. As for the other junk, that "go big or go home" mentality gets me every time (I had already binged twice earlier in the day, what was one more time, right?). I really feel like Thursday was the worst day of my life in terms of eating. I felt sick going to bed and "hungover" on Friday when I woke up. But it was a new day - a long day - and I made it without binging (albeit was DAMN hard). But here I am two days later and my stomach is still swollen from all the food...

My brother ended up coming home last night and we had some pretty good heart to hearts, and he told me about what a friend of his does when trying to break a habit... She has this calendar which she keeps by her bed and every day she goes without doing her "bad habit", she gets a sticker on the day she was "good". I guess it gives her something to look forward to and encourages her by seeing all the stickers on her calendar. They serve as a reminder of her strength, and she looks forward to getting a new sticker each day she doesn't do the bad habit. I know it doesn't sound like much and is even a little silly, but I am going to give it a try. I went out this morning and bought a package of shiny stars and got to put one on April 10, which as silly as it may sound, I felt proud of, haha. So I am currently on my way to a 2nd shiny star on my calendar as I am halfway through day 2. And it does sound funny, but when I found myself thinking about the PB chipits, I reminded myself that I want another sticker for today, and won't get one through binging on chipits. So laugh if you like, but so far, it seems to have worked :)

As for my game of losing gym privileges (something I enjoy) when I binge (bad behaviour) I don't think that is going to work for me. I feel as though had I went to the gym on Thursday instead of staying home, I might have been able to break out of my funk. I'm not sure that is the way for me to go, but I guess for now I will see how this sticker system works. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can stop binging?

I am nervous about tomorrow, being Easter and all - supposed to be heading to a family party for dinner; but have requested that no one give me chocolate this year, so hopefully this will be respected, nonetheless, wish me luck tomorrow, and same to you - this is a hard time of year.

Love *N

Getting Ready to Stop

I'm heading to this OA meeting shortly, and I'm getting kind of nervous, not sure what about... I had a long day today and got confrontational with my boyfriend a bit over this binging. It got pretty ugly, but I know he is only concerned for me and wants to help. I hadn't eaten since this morning's binge, until I got home a few minutes ago and "mini-binged" before this OA thing (perhaps as the "last meal"). I am exhausted and feel like ass, but hopefully I will find some support through this group.

Will update later.

xo

40 Minutes of Binge

Sigh. Why do I do this? I no sooner sat down and typed my last entry and I was at it again. I got distracted when the phone rang, and had to walk by "the closet", so I started at it again - pb chipits straight from the bag, followed by 2 Snickers bars, peanut butter and capped off with more chipits. All in 40 minutes. Interestingly enough, it was my boyfriend on the phone calling, and then I just sat down to type this, having finished, and he called again. All of this in a 40 minute span. So here it is, 10:40 am and this is my day. Not going to the gym (not necessarily because of the new "rules" but because I couldn't do much more than sit here since I am feeling so shitty.

DAMMIT, I am so mad, why did I do this? This sucks, and this is going to be my day now - feeling shitty and sorry for myself because I have no control. I am going to give my hand at this group tonight, I don't know what else to do. Someone help me :(

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I'm Out Of Control

So I haven't written in a while, as you might have noticed... I met with ~M~ yesterday and told her how I felt like I had been avoiding journalling. I just feel so bad, in fact I feel as though I've hit bottom. I've been binging a lot lately, most recently being last night after having had a good Monday and Tuesday. Prior to that it was a hard weekend, eating and drinking myself into I don't know what.... Won't get into the details because you've heard it all before, but as usual, I woke up on Monday ready to change and I thought I had, until I found leftover birthday cake from my dad's party on the weekend.

The cake had been taunting me since Sunday when it came into the house. I had two small pieces when everyone was here, but then I woke up around 1am wanting more, having come to after all the wine I had consumed. But Monday was a new day. I got home in the afternoon and all I could think about was cake, so in order to avoid it, I put myself to bed for a few hours to avoid thinking about it. Then I went out for the evening and it was fine.

Tuesday night, the night before my parents went away for a few days, I asked them to dispose of the leftover cake, I didn't need it here, especially since I would be unsupervised (am I really a 25 year old adult saying that?), and expected it to be gone when I got up. The first thing I did when I got up yesterday morning was see if it was there, and it was, ugh. I spoke with my brother on the phone yesterday and he told me to throw it out while he was on the phone with me, but I laughed and said I would be OK. Then last night after dinner, the cake got the best of me. After close to an hour of trying to determine the calories in the cake, how many points it might be, etc., I went for it, but as usual, it didn't stop there, it had opened Pandora's Box (peanut butter, cool whip, jello, a bag of peanut butter chipits, chips/dip, chocolate, etc.). Needless to say I went to bed feeling shitty and still feel awful as I write this 12 hours later. And to top it off, the first thing I thought about this morning was the peanut butter chipits that my mother so cleverly thinks she hid from me in the coat closet.

I truly feel like I'm out of control. I want to do it all again (ED wants me to do it all again), but I know that won't be good. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, which I think is why I hadn't blogged/journalled in a while, I just feel like I'm going in circles here. I promised ~M~ that I would get back to this, because we both know writing down my feelings works for me. She suggested playing little games with myself, for example, when I binge, I don't get something I enjoy - she suggested exercise. So I guess how it would go is when I binge, I don't get to go to the gym or run, which seems to be the only thing I have left, that I enjoy anymore. I'm not going to lie, I am getting ready to go to the gym after this, but this little "game" starts now (I'm justifying this because I am waking up with a clear head, where yesterday I was in a bad place).

I put off, yet again, going to a support meeting on Tuesday night, but I am definitely going tonight. I've said it before, but I am going to try Overeater's Anonymous. I always seem to have found an excuse not to go, but there is one tonight that I have to go to, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I guess my new goals will be to journal/blog when I feel the urge come on. Although I'm still thinking about those pb chipits... but I have to be stronger than that bag. Taking away something I enjoy when I binge will have to be as well - I guess it will be exercise.

So in addition to all of this, my doctor wants to treat me with medication for depression. She had held off on doing so because she thought it was all my thyroid making me do this, but my blood work has come back normal so she is now looking for alternatives to helping me feel better. I feel it's this whole chicken and egg thing: Am I depressed because I'm eating, or am I eating because I'm depressed? ~M~ says its all tied in together, but it driving me crazy - trying to figure out why this is happening. I am hesitant to go on any anti-depressants for two reasons: I have heard horror stories about them having adverse reactions and people actually get worse, and the other being that ~M~ thinks understanding why I do this will help me stop.

So I'm getting ready to face another day, which I know won't be easy. I will not go that long again without journalling because I need this outlet to get out my feelings. BINGING TODAY WILL NOT TAKE AWAY THE GUILT I FEEL FROM LAST NIGHT. Today is a new day and I HAVE CHOICES, I DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE. I WANT TO TAKE BACK CONTROL.

How have you all been doing?

Ugh

Just checking in, sorry I haven't been around, I've been crazy busy with school but am writing my last exam today!

Lots to catch up on... I'm feeling awful and my doctor has diagnosed me as being depressed... details to follow later.