Today was a good day - not over yet, but I think it's safe to say I did ok. I survived the luncheon, although it was slightly depressing when I told my former co-workers I wouldn't be joining them for the actual lunch part of the afternoon, and I felt like such a weirdo saying "I brought my own lunch", or "I ate before I came", really, who does either of these things when you know you're going to a gourmet catered luncheon? I felt like having made these excuses, this is the bottom. But it was interesting and my imagination could be running wild, but I spoke with another woman briefly, not much older than myself as we both sat outside of the dining room, waiting for the meal to be finished. She said she ate before she came, but I couldn't help but wonder, was she controlled by ED as well? I really can't imagine why someone would actually not eat at a function like this, aside from having a skewed relationship with food which wouldn't allow her to eat, as was the case for me... I don't know, maybe she legitimately ate beforehand, but I had to wonder... So I ended eating my own cold leftover "diet pizzas" in privacy, rather than mingling with former coworkers over soup, chicken/potatoes, and chocolate trifle, since when I'm not busy binging, I'm busy dieting, like I was today. Oh the price you pay...
That aside I came home and ate dinner, no problems there. I tried to go to another OA meeting, this one was in a different location and on a different night, because I have other plans on Thursday which will prevent me from going to the meeting at the same place as last week. I found this other meeting on the website, but I ended up getting lost in the maze of the Halifax hospital and couldn't even find the meeting. Disappointing, because I really want to pursue this, but not much I can do about it. Will have to be strong on my own until NEXT Thursday!
I am going into the end of day 5 and am feeling pretty good about it, my head seems to be clear for the time being. Here's to day 6 tomorrow! Happy Birthday April!
xo *N
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I'm so proud of you for making it through the afternoon! yeah, I know- it IS depressing going to a function like that and not being able to take part. I've had supper meetings for work many times and couldn't eat it because I was dieting because I'd been bad and binged :( and you know what the sad thing is? I'd often go and barely pick at my salad and not eat anything else, and then I'd feel so miserable and deprived that I'd binge that night after I left.
ReplyDeleteIt just seems so senseless the things we put ourselves through and mentally exhausting too. But hey, you're on your way to another nice shiny star!! :D
xoxo love April
Hello, I found your blog on kijiji. Thank-you for sharing your story. I find it inspiring that you are working so hard towards recovery. Over the years I have suffered from first bulimia, then anorexia, then binge-eating. I spent 4 months in treatment in the psych unit of the IWK hospital when I was 15 years old. I then became pregnant with my daughter. I was so relieved. I thought, yes, I finally have an excuse to eat, and eat I did. I gained 80 lbs during the 9 months that I was pregnant. I am currently 50 lbs over weight, and slipping very quickly into old habits. Eating makes me nervous again, I hate food. It's hard to explain, but I feel as if it controls me. I am trying to lose weight now, and my family is convinced that I am healthy again, and that I will lose weight in a healthy way. I guess losing weight for me is akin to a recovered alcoholic having just one "social drink", it's bound to get out of control....anyway I am rambling...Just wanted to say thanks, you inspire me to do better for myself and for my daughter.
ReplyDeleteThanks April, it certainly is exhausting being controlled by this, but I say it all the time, it's all about baby steps, maybe next month I would be comfortable in that scenario.
ReplyDeleteHey Adrienne, Thanks so much for posting. It sounds like you have certainly been through a lot over the years, having dealt with every angle of an ED. That's funny you would say that about when you got pregnant you thought you had a license to eat, because I look forward to the day when I get pregnant, if only for the sole purpose of eating... perhaps this is the common fantasy...
ReplyDeleteI'm clearly not one to give advice on how to fight this but I hope you can stay strong, as you seem to recognize that you are falling into old habits. If you ever want to chat about it you can alwayd email me, or I am excited about attending these OA meetings, I am hoping they are going to be valuable.
Hi Adrienne, I can totally relate as I have struggled with binge eating and anorexia as well and am working on recovery. My main problem right now is binge eating. I also have a blog hoping to reach out to others with the same problem and help each other recover. If you'd like to check it out it's at:
ReplyDeletehttp://april-overtherainbow.blogspot.com/
take care xoxo April
I think it is a common fantasy, all of us, we love food and hate it at the same time. We deprive ourselves, when really all we want to do is eat until we explode, eat until we are satisfied, we are like junkies, hating our drug but needing it just the same. When I was pregnant, I was so relieved. I could finally just eat, for some reason it became ok in my mind to eat. Like I didn't feel dirty for eating because it was "for the baby"...
ReplyDeleteHey N, hope your day goes good today!
ReplyDeleteI'm doing well, it's been 14 days since my last binge. I'm still waiting for the ED recovery people to call me back but i guess they are busy. I might check out the OA meetings in my town but I'm so afraid I will see someone I know and I would be so mortified! Or that someone there will end up bumping into me in town later and I'd die of embarrassment I think. Kamloops is kind of a small city and there is a big risk of seeing people like that :(
anyway, things are good, so I'm on track!
love April
Junkie... good word
ReplyDeleteApril, 14 days, that is amazing! I'm proud of you! Ar you able to follow up with the receovery people yourself? I was worried about seeing people I know at OA, but if you see them there, they probably have the same problem as you, which could be equally embarassing for them... but when I went last week, everyone was so welcoming and inviting, I would hope the people would be the same in BC... but stay strong, 14 days, that is two weeks without binging - you can do it!
xo