Thursday, April 9, 2009

40 Minutes of Binge

Sigh. Why do I do this? I no sooner sat down and typed my last entry and I was at it again. I got distracted when the phone rang, and had to walk by "the closet", so I started at it again - pb chipits straight from the bag, followed by 2 Snickers bars, peanut butter and capped off with more chipits. All in 40 minutes. Interestingly enough, it was my boyfriend on the phone calling, and then I just sat down to type this, having finished, and he called again. All of this in a 40 minute span. So here it is, 10:40 am and this is my day. Not going to the gym (not necessarily because of the new "rules" but because I couldn't do much more than sit here since I am feeling so shitty.

DAMMIT, I am so mad, why did I do this? This sucks, and this is going to be my day now - feeling shitty and sorry for myself because I have no control. I am going to give my hand at this group tonight, I don't know what else to do. Someone help me :(

5 comments:

  1. Aw honey, it's ok, I feel what you're going through right now. I can totally relate to how you feel depressed but don't know if the bingeing is making you depressed or the depression is making you binge...I was at that point (rock-bottom) 4 years ago when I was clinically depressed. I also had the choice to go on medication, but I opted to stick with the counselling instead, and it was the best thing for me. Eventually I started feeling better and the bingeing diminished. Of course, it's still something I struggle with, but not to the same extent.

    It sounds to me like you are in a similar situation right now that I was back then. I would advise sticking with the counselling, get as much of it as you can, as often as possible, and go to any support groups out there too. I think OA sounds good, I'm glad you are going to try it out!

    Another thing, of course I am not you and you need to choose what's best for yourself, but my advice would be to do lots of counselling/support stuff and not do the meds; there are sooo many of them that cause weight gain and all sorts of other stuff, I really don't trust them. When I was in group therapy for depression I heard so many bad experiences with them! Only as a last resort if you feel the counselling is not helping.

    The other thing I'll point out is that sugar is a huge depressant! In some people with a certain unique type of biochemistry (such as myself, and I suspect, you also) it acts as an addictive drug (we know that already) and also as a main cause of depression! It's a vicious cycle: we crave sugar because we are depressed, so we eat it, get addicted to it, stay addicted to it as long as we keep eating it, and it makes us depressed. I know from personal experience that when I eat sugar, it's like getting a "fix", then I get an energy crash and a hangover type feeling for a day or so, and then depressed feelings until the sugar is completely eliminated from my body. I'd bet most of your depression is caused by sugar. I know how hard it is, honey, hang in there, you can do it. I know how you feel!

    I don't understand why you wouldn't exercise though because it is the very thing you should be doing to help yourself feel better so you can stay strong. I know of course you feel like shit right after a binge, but the next day, like when you feel better, I always exercise it helps me get out of my slump.

    Just ideas I thought I'd bounce off you, in the hopes that they might help...anyways, you can get back up again, I know you can! I believe in you. And try not to beat yourself up. There is always a new day :)
    ***hugs*** love and prayers, xoxoxo April

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  2. April, thanks so much for your support. Sorry I have been offline the last few days. I 100% do not want to go on any medication for this, I've heard many horrible things about doing so. I agree with you and ~M~, medication won't solve anything, it will just mask the problem. I so badly want to know why I do this so I can stop. I was kind of shocked at how reluctant my doctor was to prescribe me somthing, but I agree, it will be a last resort.

    I guess the idea behind not exercising was to take away something I like (the exercise), when I display bad behaviour (binging), but am not sure how well I like that because I wonder if I had been more motivated to exercise this morning if I would have been able to get out of the slump. I see what ~M~ meant though by establishing rules to reward and punish behaviours, maybe exercise isn't it though...

    Thanks so much for your kind words, I'm getting ready to head off to OA, I'm kind of nervous, but I have to go!

    How have you been doing, April? Any luck with a counsellor?

    xo

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  3. Just to give you another perspective...and I really don't want to get into a debate b/c this is a VERY personal choice....but I am on meds...and they've done good things for me. It was like night and day when I first started taking them. Now, granted, I'm not "fixed" by them, but I know they are helping.

    Yes, I think April is right on that there are some addictive and damaging parts of food, but remember, sometimes depression comes from a lack of balance in the brain chem. My depression is from my mom. She's been depressed as long as I can remember. I tried councelling first, then about a year later decided to talk to my Dr. under the advisement of a councellor.

    Anyway, like I said, no interest in debate on this one, just wanted to give you another perspective.

    jj

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  4. Thanks very much, JJ, it is greatly appreciated your insight into this, especially since you have first hand experience with this... I do want to leave it as a last resort for myself, so am going to see how counselling and these meetings pan out for me

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  5. I think that is a good plan!!! :)

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