Saturday, May 2, 2009

A Weekend Away

I am heading out of town later this afternoon and am feeling nervous about doing so. Not so much about binging, but overeating, the opportunity IS there. Big party tonight and Sunday night, so in addition to food temptations, there will also be alcohol.

The food is worrisome because I am not confident I will be able to weigh and measure food being out of town in someone else's house, but maybe this is the time to try this "normal eating" thing (I'm pretty sure normal eating doesn't consist of obsessively weighing and measuring food). I guess what is scary is not being able to control food portions, since I have become so dependent on weighing/measuring food, but I guess will have to take it as it comes. Then there is also the opportunity to overeat at these parties, and my go big or go home mentality will be my saboteur, if there is to be one, so I will just have to remember that it is ok to have something if I want something, just keep it in moderation.

Now it's not so much the alcohol that worries me, it's the thought of drinking calories which is making me nervous. But truth be told, I rarely drink, so I am going to try my hardest to allow myself to have a good time this weekend, so if that means having a few drinks, then hopefully I can bounce back on Monday.

So I do not want my obsession with food to ruin my weekend, so I am going to try extra hard to enjoy myself and not let this become the focus of my weekend. I know this will not be easy, but I also know that it will not be a reason to binge, either. And if I don't lose weight this week, that is ok too. I am going to survive, this weekend will not kill me or make me fat.

By the way, today will be day 23! Just over 3 weeks, had no idea I could do it!

Will update on Monday. Have a good one!

xo *N

Mmmm... Ice Cream Cake

So yesterday saw birthday celebrations at my office which included birthday cake and I have to say I survived the cake quite nicely, but it wasn't without its flaws. I started the day mentally debating how much I would have based on nutritional information I pulled from the cake. If I only had 1/8 slice would be "10 points", but if I had 1/16 of the cake, it would only be "5 points", which would save room for more food later. I know looking at these numbers if likely not relevant to many of you, but this demonstrates the torment that went through my mind yesterday. After having had toast for breakfast, then bran and yogurt mid-morning, I decided to forgo lunch for the 10 point piece of cake. Shortly after cake I had a small lunch, because lets face it, as amazing as the cake was, it didn't put much substance in my stomach, and I was hungry, so a small frozen dinner it was.

Later in the afternoon I wanted more cake though. So I thought, what I can do is torment myself all afternoon about depriving myself more cake, or I can have some and be done with it. And done with it I was. And perhaps I'm rationalizing here, but it wasn't even a real piece, it was a small sliver which just took the edge off my craving. So while I did go back for more, I was ok with that decision. I did not feel guilty about it, and in the end know it was best for me to do so, since it stopped me from obsessing over it all day.

But like I said, eating cake was not without its flaws, and this is where I still struggle. By having cake yesterday and a few small snacks throughout the day, I could not bring myself to eat supper, so when I got home from work and my dad was barbecuing steak, I felt like I couldn't justify eating it since I had already had something so bad for me today... so while my family ate steak, I went to my bf's place for the night and ate popcorn for supper. Not good, I know, and technically this deprived myself of having a meal last night (and a damn good one), but like I said before, I feel I have to work through baby steps, and now I am still working on not binging since it takes so much effort to NOT BINGE on food. I feel like I have 3-4 more weeks of working on not binging, and then I can start working on these other obsessions, like counting food points and "having my cake and eating it too", so to speak.

I guess this 3-4 weeks will be once I have lost the last 5 "binge" pounds and get back to what I was last fall, before I became too thin and did not have bones jutting out of my shoulders and chest - to a comfortable weight where I looked normal and healthy. What's scary to me right now, writing with a clear head, is that in spite of not binging on food, I find myself fantasizing about really good binges, or pre-Christmas when I was binging, but maybe only once a week and not to the degree it had gotten since the new year. I am afraid of slipping back into these mini binges I used to do (they would last maybe 15 minutes, compared to hours of binging as of recently), but this is where I have to be strong because I know it will just take one bite of the wrong food in the wrong state of mind for it to be all over. So I guess what they say, "knowledge is power", is true here - I know I am vulnerable to this, and through knowing this I just have to work that much harder to fight it.

Anyway, that's all for now. How are you all doing?


Thursday, April 30, 2009

Feeling Down

Alright, I haven't been good about journalling lately, perhaps because I am feeling cocky (therefore don't have to write down my feelings), but am feeling vulnerable now, so here it goes.

I've had a good week, and today marks my 21st day "food sober"! But in spite of this I am feeling down, not because I binged, but because I overate today (as in exceeded my daily points target by 5 on something I didn't need). It was leftover supper that had been sitting out on the counter for a few hours and when I got home this evening was picking at the pan. It wasn't much and I wouldn't consider it a binge, it is getting me down because I have a big party weekend ahead of me, so was trying to be "good" through the week to justify some indulgences this weekend. But it wasn't in my food plan and because I ate it I am stressing out over it, it is all I'm thinking about now as I go to bed... ugh.

Heading to work tomorrow we have a birthday to celebrate, so that means ice cream cake, which I usually love but am unsure about since I do have a big weekend ahead of me... this possibly means no lunch or supper tomorrow to budget for the cake, sigh. I actually don't want to go to work because of it...

So like I said, in spite of feeling down right now, I am on day 21, which 3 weeks ago sounded impossible. I guess going into the weekend I have to remember that I do not want to sabotage myself; eating will not feel as good as I will feel putting up stars on my calendar on Monday...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Surviving the Weekend

I survived my weekend out of town! Believe it or not, it actually almost turned out to be easier than if I had been home, which is odd because I have a lot of anxiety about eating other people's food... I was out all day Saturday, so had a big lunch which took away the urge to munch as I sipped on diet soda at a pub and then the evening turned out to be pretty painless. I did have one piece of fudge, but it was just one, and was ok :)

I found myself up late by myself on Saturday night and found what could have been my former binge-self's dream: peanut butter, marshmallow fluff and nutella. I found myself fantasizing about some sort of concoction I could make with all these but in the end, it didn't happen. I felt like I wanted it, but it wasn't even mine, so it would have been "stealing food", I didn't want to sabotage myself (I would have just crashed emotionally after that) and would have physically felt like crap. So that is a small victory for me.

I went to a family birthday party on Sunday evening and resisted cake (mind you I had promised myself Dairy Queen afterwards but I felt it was another small victory to say no to the cake, among MANY other temptations available that night). But left the party only having had a cup of tea and then went to "celebrate" at DQ with a brownie explosion (so yummy), and it was perfectly ok since it was within my weekly points, so no guilt!

So this past weekend turned out to be a lot better than I anticipated... have a big weekend coming up again which I don't know will be so easy... more to come


Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Recap

Just a regular day. I was at work today and had brought all my food with me. Hadn't planned on the one piece of chocolate that found its way onto my desk, but I dealt with it, not by depriving myself, but by ENJOYING the one piece of chocolate. It wasn't the end of the world and didn't kill me. So while it may not sound huge to have eaten one piece of chocolate, I know even a month ago I would have tortured myself over it for hours before eating it and feeling guilty for the rest of the day, so 2 thumbs up there.

I am getting ready to head out of town tomorrow for the night and am slightly worried about my food for tomorrow. In anticipation of being houseguests tomorrow, we have made some fudge to take as a small token gift... hopefully not setting myself up for danger but I have cleared 2 hurdles so far this evening, one being that I didn't fawn over it as it was being made; and two that when I went to put it away about a half hour ago, I didn't get into it, nor did I feel deprived of it! So I feel like this is half the battle. Maybe I will have some tomorrow, who knows... I HOPE that if I do have some, it is in moderation and not the better part of a full pan of it. Won't get the chance to journal tomorrow since I will be away - maybe I will take a notebook to write in if I feel the urge strike. I guess where I am now is that I see this as a dangerous time, so I have to be on my game tomorrow, probably more so than I have been within the last 15 days... Here's to hoping!


Thursday Recap

Thursday turned out to be a good day as well, and looking back, it could have been grounds for failure - not that I had been feeling emotional or down, but I found myself home yesterday afternoon, and decided to clean out the kitchen cupboards, since they were spilling over with old food and cardboard boxes. Looking back, this could have been dangerous, since it was stuffed with lots of cereal, baking supplies and more, but wasn't I believe for a few reasons:

  1. I had eaten fairly regularly throughout the day so wasn't hungry when I undertook the task (I'm really trying to work this "normal eating" thing)
  2. I wasn't interested in eating this food, since I had a good meal planned and didn't see the point in sabotaging myself since I am doing good
  3. I was more interested in cleaning out the cupboard rather than eating. These reasons reinforce that IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD FOR ME! If it was about the food I may not have resisted, but I felt emotionally good yesterday, which helped me fight off the eating demon that gets in my head.

So If I can keep a clear head through journalling and not binging, I know I can do this. I went back to the OA meeting last night. I believe that it works for a lot of people and has helped many, but am not convinced of its philosophy for me. I am however going to try it out for a few more weeks to give it a fair shot. If anything, I love the peer support available. So will see how it goes over the next few weeks.

Wednesday Recap

Sorry for not catching up on posts before now, it's been a crazy few days. I will start with my session with ~M~. I met with her on Wednesday and it was a great session. I feel a little crazy sometimes going in to see her since she can likely never predict what mental state I will show up in, but I showed up in a good mood on Wednesday ready to talk about my successes over the last 13 days.

I explained to her about my sticker system and she thought it was a great idea - behaviour modification (essentially rewarding good behaviour), and mentioned in the past how she herself has used that on herself, as well as others. seem to have found something that works, so lets stick with it. She suggested taking it a step further, having recognized that journalling (blogging my feelings away) helps me keep on track with my feelings, she suggested another sticker for everyday that I journal, since I do like to see stickers on my calendar, haha. So I guess I wouldn't get a sticker for the last few days since I have been neglectful, but I am going to do that as well. This will give me a chance to clear my head and thoughts on days when I am feeling overwhelmed, and you know I'm going to want that other sticker! So I am going to work with that as well.

Since doing so well, ~M~ reinforced my successes by reminding me that if I feel like I'm on the verge of slipping, to question why I would want to sabotage myself after doing so well for so long, which makes sense, I mean why would I want to go back to feeling so shitty and down all the time, when I can feel good? I don't know that eating ever really made me happy since I HATE myself afterwards...

I went to see a movie that evening, but had a big meal before I left so didn't feel the need to be munchy when I got there, and treated myself to something small once I got home.