How far I've fallen... I'm sitting here 7.5 hour. I still feel bad.s later from my last food intake feeling like shit. I don't know what feels worse though: the gut rot or knowing I've disappointed everyone, disappointed myself :(
Everyone was telling me how proud they were of me. My mom think I've worked out of my funk, I thought I had too. But here I sit, back to where I was two weeks ago. My stomach swollen from the food. I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up to a sore stomach, reminded of what I had done. I should have at least taken something to help me sleep.
I woke up and cried in my bed for about 20 minutes or so before getting up. But just like eating, it didn't help me feel better, I still feel bad, although crying isn't as self destructive as eating I guess.
Why did I do this? Binging did not help me accomplish anything, if anything it's held me back. It's nearly 10am and I've not worked out yet because I still feel shitty and gross. Where if I didn't do this I would likely be done by now. This is going to mess up my day, not to mention mentally, this is all I'm going to think about today. This is what I have to remember though the next time I am tempted, these awful feelings.
I made it a solid 13 days last time. I am going to take it one day at a time and work my way up to 14 days. It likely won't be easy with my dad's birthday coming up this weekend (i.e. boiled incing cake) but I have to make it through. I thought I had worked through a lot of these restrictions but I have a feeling I am going to be "detoxing" today, as in grapefruit and other juices I guess.
This sucks :( But binging will not take these feelings away. This morning I am not going to binge on food. BINGING WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. Sigh
*N
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Hi N.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first post to your blog... I've been looking for some sort of support center for binge eating. I have always had a tendency to overeat, but recently it's been quite bad. I am renting a room while in university, and find myself running out of groceries and buying junk on the go, then getting home and feeling famished, so I eat what is around (ie boxes of kraft dinner, peanut butter on toast, etc), even when I begin to feel full. I have started to gain weight from these behaviors, but am having trouble getting out of the routine - because it has turned into routine now. I am hoping when I am done this year in school I can get back on track with work outs and eating healthfully.
i also have difficulty because usually I buy healthy food, but I am running low on money, and my roommates stock a freezer full of frozen goods. I once went so far as to eat half of a lemon pie in the middle of the night, and then finish it off for breakfast the next morning.
As it stands, today will be my day one of not bingeing. Yesterday I didn't binge, but I feel I did overeat, so I am starting with a clean slate today. Good luck to you on your day :)make sure to throw in some food along with juice - something like veggies or fruit, to make sure you feel full and are less tempted to binge later on. good luck :]
Hey...it's day 1 again for me, too today. :( I had a bad night also. Chips, Naniamo bars, Reese's chocolate and tim Hortons. It was eating too much rice at lunch then eating that little bit of chocolate that started it I think. I feel so sad right now, I'm in the same boat. Day 1 today. Take care
ReplyDeletexoxo April
Hey April, ahh, I feel your pain, literally. We both did very well though and I know we both can do it again. It sucks how one minute can change everything and get you so far out of control. That's weird we both crashed the same ime, but the good thing is we can start fresh. You can do it. So can I.
ReplyDeletexo
Hi "Anonymous"
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting! How long have you been dealing with this? Have you found a way of dealing with it?
I've yet to find a support centre that specializes in binging. I'm not sure where you are but I believe the Eating Disorder Action Group in Halifax is only interested in anorexics/bulimics. I have been thinking about Overeater's Anonymous for a while now but I'm a student as well and it is hard to find time to go, I am hoping once I am done school next week I will drag my sorry butt there, because I know with some more support I can be stronger to fight this.
Being in school I know how easy it is to eat convenience food (i.e. junk food) over healthy options, especially living in a house with roommates and temptations (I live with my parents which is hard too).
Thanks for the encouragement, looks like we are all back to day one today but I know we can do this together.
Well, it's the afternoon and I still feel bad, sore stomach and such, and even working out doesn't do anything to relieve the guilt feelings. You're right, neither does crying, but it always helps to let things out.
ReplyDeleteI know!!! it TOTALLY messes up my day and holds me back and then I feel crappy for the whole day. Gah! I hate this! I know how you feel, hang in there.