If there's one thing ED loves, it's a challenge, and my cockiness from Friday night was all he needed. I was so inspired at the time and was trying to be skeptical and not too excited because I knew I could fall as easily as I had conquered. And I did.
I made it through Friday night no problem and even Saturday morning, again having breakfast before working out, and having a good breakfast. But it went downhill when I was trying to pack a lunch for school and I started nibbling on things in the fridge, then eating mindlessly out of the cereal box, which I was OK with, I wasn't feeling too guilty. Then as a total fluke I found the pot-of-gold: peanut butter. Not just any peanut butter, but hidden peanut butter (my parents think by hiding food is helping me, which to some degree it is but when I found it, it was game on). So I eventually left for school feeling like crap where I didn't eat for the rest of the day. Until I started getting the urge for ice cream. I already blew it right, so why not "treat" myself.
I was really conflicted over having the ice cream. First, mid afternoon I left school and started to walk to my car from the library, which was about a 5min walk, but when I got to my car, I didn't have my keys and since it was a bit of a walk, I went back to studying without ice cream (divine intervention perhaps?). When I left school for the evening I drove to the McDonald's parking lot, ready for the drive thru when I had 2nd thoughts. I was debating over whether or not I even needed it, and there was such conflict in my mind. A few minutes later I left without my ice cream and headed home. Then I had to head back out to go to my grandparents place and couldn't fight it any longer, so went to get my Rolo McFlurry. And it was damn good. Since I had already lost so much control, while on my way to my bf's place after this, I stopped at a gas station where I poured over the baked goods section and grabbed a piece of chocolate peanut butter fudge. It was weird when I bought it because the whole time I was there I felt like an underage kid purchasing liquor or something, it felt so wrong. I went out to my car and consumed the fudge in the darkness before continuing on to my bf's place. Needless to say I wasn't feeling good after this and spent the rest of the night mentally beating myself up for this behaviour. All the while, my jeans are gradually getting tighter....
Then I woke up today, it was a new day and I had a good breakfast, planned out everything I would eat at school and was fine until I got home an hour and a half ago. I started with "Overeating", as in exceeding my daily points target, and had a bowl of oatmeal. Then it was rice cakes and jam, to which it was an energy bar, rice chips, coffee cake, etc. And I still want to keep going. The only thing keeping me from going isn't willpower but that my parents are watching tv and I don't want them to see me with more food.
I am so sad right now, I don't know why I can't do this. I have done it before. I haven't journalled my feelings at the end of the day since Thursday so I am going to get on that as of tomorrow. I don't know how much of this I can take, the ups and downs are emotionally draining. If anyone has any suggestions for me, please feel free to leave a comment or email me. This sucks, but tomorrow is a new day. Wish me luck.
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Aw that's too bad that things didn't go well for you right now. Actually they aren't going great for me either. I didn't do too badly, but I overate yesterday and today, no junk food but still, I ate more than I needed, and I feel terribly guilty about it even though it wasn't a binge. it was weird, I feel like the only reason I overate was because I seem to be going through some sort of strange feeling of "binge withdrawal" or something, if that makes any sense...I don;t know how else to describe it, it's as if I have gone so long without bingeing that my body is craving a binge because I haven't ever gone this long (17 days) without a binge, and my body doesn't know what to do without a binge. So I ate 2 bowls of extra cereal yesterday, and today I ate like 1/2 a loaf of toast and jam, not unhealthy foods, and not very much by binge standards, but still overeating :( I'm hoping I can just train my body to NOT expect binges. I really don't want to overeat either.
ReplyDeleteI hope I can get back to doing well tomorrow, and I really hope tomorrow is good for you too hun xoxoxo hugs and prayers...and you too JJ, hang in there, I know it's tough
love April
The ups and downs are draining...that's probably one of the worst parts of this whole thing!!! I haven't found a solution yet.
ReplyDeleteYesterday was my first day of having my whole day planned...and I did well. I went to the gym when I said I would...had a good work out without killing myself for the sake of a few cal. I at what I had planned to eat...and even added a piece of toast when I realiezed what I had planned was really a little too restrictive. I had the snackes I planned...it was great. I feel good this morning. :)
BUT...today I have to eat out for supper, tomorrow morning for breakfast and tomorrow for lunch (I'm traveling for work.) Hopefully I can stick to the plan.
Good luck today *N!!
So, just as I wrote I had an amazing day...MY cockiness got to me. Not a good day today. McDonalds followed by 3 bakary treats. Very full, feel not so good, and have 3 hours of driving to do tonight. _sigh_
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean April about having "binge withdrawal", it's almost as if sometimes you don't know how to NOT BINGE, it is just so habitual you go back to it for old times sake, odd as it sounds.
ReplyDelete~M~ tells me that regardless of what we binge on, a binge is still a binge, as you say you overate on healthy food but still felt guilty (and perhaps out of control while doing so?). I say it all the time about taking baby steps, try not to get hung up on overeating for one bad day, you had 17 successful days which you worked hard at! (How easy it is to be positive about someone else eh?). Did you survive today ok?
JJ, that's fantastic you ha a good day! Same thing I will tell you, celebrate your successes, not just your shortcomings, you had a good day! Maybe next time it can be two days?
Ah yes, cockiness was the theme of the weekend eh? I literally ate my words, so to speak. It's ok because I know this will make us stronger to fight this in the end. You can do it, we can do it together!
xo