Restrict, Overeat, Binge, RESTART

So I survived Monday-Thursday relatively painlessly (emphasis on restrictive, but survived nonetheless).

Friday started out pretty good until I arrived at work, and I encountered something I hadn't planned or budgeted for, and it messed me up. One of my co-workers brought peanut butter balls to work (the size of about 2 golf balls, seriously, they were huge!). And if that wasn't bad enough, there were these chocolate-peanut butter Easter candies there as well (are these people conspiring against me with my weakness for chocolate and peanut butter?).

I survived the morning only thinking about these treats calling for me, but the afternoon went downhill when I allowed myself to have one PB Ball. Then I had 4 more and lost track of the smaller chocolates. I hadn't felt too guilty about this, although I only ended up eating light popcorn for supper that night, much to my boyfriend's dismay (I'm not the girl who will match him forkful for forkful like I was 4 years ago when we first got together, and he sees this. It disappoints him to no end that he has lost me to another man (Ed) with a strong hold over me). So all this extra food prevented me from having a real meal (trying to deal with the binge for now, deal with restrictions later, baby steps *N, baby steps).

Moving onto Saturday, was an OK day. I started off, business as usual, planning out my daily food, etc. It was fairly painless until I decided on having desert (the end of the month, I was volunteering at my church dinner and couldn't say no to all the deserts they have there). So I decided on this chocolate cheesecake which looked amazing and packed it up to go. So we went home, ate supper and then the desert, and it was all fine.

The whole time I was there, we were watching a movie and I was thinking about how much I wanted to binge and fantasizing about past binges (weird, I know) which was confusing to me, because I was trying to ask myself why I was feeling the urge and I don't know why. I wasn't feeling lonely or alone, as were my triggers identified in therapy.

After desert, I still wasn't satisfied, so I went in search of more. This is where I will say I overate, and it was overeating rather than binging because it was in the presence of my BF and I honestly felt like I was allowing myself to eat. So I had chocolate rice cakes with peanut butter (chunky peanut butter at his house - double whammy), then had a muffin (which I spread with chocolate Duncan Hines icing because, lets face it, it's damn good stuff. That's the danger of being at his place I guess - bachelor food), finished off with a 100 Calorie pack. Not too bad for "overeating" I guess. But by the 100 Calorie pack he said to me "after that don't have anything else". WTF! I'm a grown-ass woman! His heart was in the right place though, he just meant that he didn't want me to get mad at myself for overeating. But it pissed me off, so to spite him, when he went to the bathroom I snuck some PB, icing out of the can (icing spoons), more peanut butter and chocolate kisses (could have been the beginning of a binge if he wasn't so quick in the bathroom). Interesting that I can justify eating the extras to spite him when he didn't actually know I did this and only ended up hurting myself... When he said this to me though, it reconfirmed why people binge when they are alone. It is embarrassing in front of others.

So I woke up this morning thinking about food and the night before. I was in for a looong day. Started off obsessively measuring my cereal and measuring out my peanut butter for my toast (yes, having an actual legitimate serving of PB, it can be done). I went on my way to the gym but by the time I got home I wanted to eat. And I think I knew I was going to binge, I wanted to binge after fantasizing about it the night before. From the time I got home I was waiting for my parents to leave for the afternoon, and then would say I ate for about a solid 2 hours (seriously). I ate everything I could find, and I feel like ass. I can't recap everything I ate but some "highlights" include ice cream bars (note that is plural bars), PB (light and regular - 2 different kinds in the house, supposedly hidden from me, but when an addict wants something they will find it, right?), countless 100 calorie packs, chocolate bars (again, plural), chips/dip, this pudding/cream cheese/cool whip concoction eaten with graham crackers (once the house has been purged of old favourites you get creative about how you will find something new), and the list goes on from there...

I feel so shitty right now. Not just because of all the food rotting in my stomach and forming into fat in my thighs and ass as I type, but I let myself down, I had been doing soooo good. I let you down. I let him win. I had gone so long. FUCK!!! I hate myself. I didn't have to do this. But it is part of the cycle. I start my week with restricting myself. I begin the descent downhill by overeating and I crash with a binge. This is what makes him happy, he is in control -the way he likes it. Tomorrow I will be back to restricting, because under his rules, I restrict during the week. What's pissing me off is I'm going to be with him tonight again, I'm planning on a full supper with desert (go big or go home, right?). Ugh, my insides are killing me now. I'm in for a long night of school work and feeling sorry for myself, wishing I could purge. I may try this later. I had been doing so well too. I honestly thought I was out of my funk that was holding me down. I had gotten cocky and he brought me down a notch. Fuck.

I hope you are all doing better than me

xo *N