Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Feeling Sad, But Not Sad Enough To Binge

Ugh, what a day. You know how people say "you're your own worst enemy"? Well that is so on the nose for me (nothing to do with food for a minute, I think I just had a girl day). It starts off innocently enough with a small thought, but then that one small thought seems to manifest itself into a slew of other thoughts and the next thing you know your mind is wandering and going crazy, and for what? Was that original thought really that bad that it lead to you crying hysterically in your car?

I won't get into the whole thing because it's long and a lot to type, although probably not irrelevant to my problems, but it goes back to me binging and overeating when I am feeling lonely/abandoned, which is how I have been feeling through the day. But I know that binging will not solve my problems. Sigh. I feel so sad. And so alone. I have never been formally diagnosed with depression but having identified feeling lonely causes me to eat and be sad, and how I cried hysterically several weeks ago with ~M~ over eating out of loneliness, I wonder if I could actually be depressed. I mean, how does a doctor diagnose that? But I am also dealing with some thyroid problems as well, so maybe that is just a side effect?

Anyway, aside from the sadness I am feeling pretty stressed over a midterm tomorrow, had a hard time concentrating on studying due to everything else going on in my mind. I had a great conversation with my brother earlier. Since we both have this common bond over binging we talked about the ups and downs of how it makes us feel. We even had some good laughs over stupid things we had done/eaten while in the zone. When you say some of these things out loud you realize how silly they actually sound ("you once drank a concoction of warm salt water and mustard, then did jumping jacks to try and induce vomiting after binging?" WTF?). So it was great to talk to him. He lives a few hours away so we only get to talk on the phone but I now take comfort in talking to him because he gets it, unlike my parents and BF who think they get it.

By the time I had gotten back to the library tonight I had overeaten slightly (as in more than my daily points allowance), but nothing to feel guilty over because normal people eat when they are hungry, and I was feeling pretty damn hungry tonight, even after eating a good supper I was still hungry. I feel like I could almost go for something now but won't since I would rather go to sleep.

I am excited about dinner plans tomorrow night and am not feeling nervous about going, like I usually am when I go out to dinner lately. I am looking forward to seeing an old friend and catching up, and eating dinner in a restaurant like a normal person. Hope it goes well.

I think once I get some sleep and clear my head my mood will pick up by the morning, maybe I'm just tired. And menstruating, maybe that's why I'm extra sensitive today (TMI?)

*I just reread this post an apologize that it is all over the place, I'm pretty tired, I will try and organize it/tidy it up in the morning.

*N

2 comments:

  1. Aw I hope your day today goes much better than yesterday ***hugs**

    I know what you mean about feeling sad and emotional. I'm not doing the greatest myself right now, I'm due for my period in a couple of days and have the PMS from hell! (you know, bloated, sore, hungry, emotional, and just plain yucky-feeling) and anyway, I had a PMS-driven binge yesterday :( i say PMS-driven because it wasn't like the addiction was causing me to do it, it was my PMS extra-hungriness (haha I think I just made up a new word!) and general bloatedness making me want to eat. I ate chips and donuts and cinnamon buns, the bad stuff, yuck.
    Oh well, on the bright side, I looked in my journal and the last time I ate this stuff was last month during the last PMS time, so a whole month almost. To me, that's progress. And, the other 2 binges and couple of overeatings I had since then were on healthy food, which of course is still bad but not AS bad as the junk food binges which I used to do like every 4-5 days or so.

    Maybe I'm just grasping trying to find something positive to focus on here, but what else can I do, I don't want to beat myself up about it and make myself feel worse. I'm just going to pick myself up, get back to eating healthy, move on and try my best to ride out the rest of the PMS. Today is day 1, and it's a new day :)

    Good luck on your midterm today N, and great job yesterday, I'm really proud of how well you did!

    And jj, that's great that you are taking steps to get help like that, that is awesome and it's really going to help you. Way to go! I hope your day today goes well :)
    take care ladies
    xoxo love April

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  2. Thanks so much. I forgot about having to deal with PMS related binges. I had been having some medical issues since last summer and hadn't had a period from August-February, during which time my binging seemed to have peaked and I began seriously trying to get help for it (nothing serious, my doctor attributed it to an out of whack thyroid which I am beginning to get treatment for and have since had 2 regular flows in a row - sorry to any guys out there reading this, haha). But during this time I forgot that PMS can make you susceptible to binges as well so I am goin to take that into account and not be so hard on myself for a few days.

    Don't beat yourself up, April you have made a lot of good progress and I'm glad you could look back in your journal and identify that you hadn't binged since about this time last month.

    xo

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