Monday, February 2, 2009

I Want To Eat

I am almost there - 7 days without a binge. Today was a good day - a hard day, but a good day. I have been thinking about food all day, and I want nothing more thant to eat frozen cookie dough right now. I feel like I could binge right now, it's what I want to do - it's what HE wants me to do. I've already given into him by eating extra desert (strawberry shortcake, which WAS NOT on my meal plan for today). But it was small, and only one (I'm so glad it was the last piece of cake). So while I hadn't planned on having it today, I ate it, and while I'm not thrilled with myself for giving in, I am pleased that I stopped there (but not because I wanted to - well actually, I WANT TO! It is ED who doesn't want me to!!!). He wants me to! HE WANTS ME TO! NOT ME!!! I had started to write how I wasn't sure that I would survive the next hour or so before bed, but silly as it may sound, when I wrote that, I felt in control. I am in control of the next hour of my life. NOT HIM!


I would like to post something that someone sent to me. This is from a woman who I will call *K, who like many men and women, are going through or have gone through this. She recently has began writing. I especially liked her first line.

Control everything, lest you lose all control
Eat nothing and in doing so, take everything back
What will this cost
Mere calories or life
To what extent are you willing to go
To have everything
Open your eyes to reality and see,
For once see what you are doing and what has happened
Then consider



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