I can't do this. I don't know why I thought I could, but he is too strong for me. I am a weak woman. I got cocky. And I saw him coming. FUCK!!! I'm so mad!!! I'M MAD AT HIM FOR CONTROLLING ME! I'M MAD AT ME FOR LETTING HIM! The warning signs were there, I heard him calling me. It started with having an extra 100 calorie snack after dinner. Then about an hour ago, I was getting itchy for something, this was scary, I felt I was salivating for something, I had to have something.
The leftover fudge from the party last night (which I went out of my way to avoid) was calling for me. So I went for it with just the thought of having half a slice, so I did, but then that turned into 3 more half slices, which I thought would go really good with some peanut butter, just a little taste. GAME ON! FUCK!!! So why not finish off the evening with some frozen cookie dough? FUCK!!! So here I sit, defeated by him, he's laughing at me "You can't fight me." And I can't. I feel like shit. FUCK!!! I was on top of the world 2 hours ago, but just like that it can change. An hour ago I was reading encouraging comments from JJ, who wrote about her similar struggle, which I thought was great that we can support each other (as much as you can through an anonymous online forum). I have let her down. I have let you down. I have let myself down. FUCK!!! UGH! I'M SO MAD!!! I had such a great weekend planned too. Out with my bf tomorrow night, dinner plans on Saturday (what a joke that will be since he won't let me eat). FUCK!!! All I can do is RESTART, I guess. So tomorrow marks a new day of food sobriety. I HATE HIM!!!
I need a good cry. It's weird because I always cry when this happens but I feel like I can't right now. FUCK!!!
*Apologies for all the F-Bombs. Anyone who knows me would think it's hilarious that I used it because I never swear, but ED is extra special, he deserves it
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You did NOT let me down. He is strong. You need to build your strenght to fight him, that takes time, and slips. Just like if your were training to be a boxer....you could fight when you first started training, and maybe do okay, but eventully you'd hit that wall....and you need to train more to get past it. You're doing great...8 days is AMAZING....now you just have a new goal to shoot for....9 days....and eventually it will get up to a month, or maybe even 2 months....it takes time, don't beat yourself up too much (even as I write that, I know it's crazy since I torture myself too) but, I'll be your advocate while Ed had you down....BE STRONG. START OVER.
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