So last night was my "intervention". I haven't been so embarrassed to talk with my parents since I was 8 and they wanted to have "the talk", but they insisted (one of the pitfalls of being a 25 year old student living with her parents - they still think they own you). For the most part it was "tell us about it", "how did it get to this", "how can we help", etc.

I did my best to tell them about my controlling relationship with food, feeling lack of control around food, and how food consumes most of my thoughts in the run of a day (what I've eaten, when I've eaten, when I will eat next, etc.). I was careful to sensor the dark side of it (trying to purge, feelings of sadness, self loathing/hatred afterwards, crying/punching my stomach, etc.) since they took the first part hard enough. I didn't feel the need to divulge this part to them because it is what I am working through with my counsellor (and at least for now the trying to purge and punching has stopped, namely because I realized I can't make myself throw up, it is a losing battle, and the punching was a short-lived thing pre-Christmas, and would likely get me treatment for more than just disordered eating).

So they were pretty supportive and wanting to help where they could. They agreed to stop keeping temptations around the house and my mother agreed to stop baking when she gets bored, which will be a HUGE help, because this is very common at my house. And they agreed to stop buying things because they are on sale (i.e. discount candy after the holidays, hello chocolate dipped sugar cookies they are saving for a rainy day). And they were serious about it too. I went to get some peanut butter to put on some rice cakes, with no intention to binge on it, but it would turn out, my mother has hidden that on me. Kind of embarrassing, I know, but it is probably for the best, at least for now when this is still new for them and will help me as I try and get through this week.

They had suggestions for helping me as well, like calling them or talking to them, even waking them up if I get the urge, which is sweet, although I don't know that I will because I would hate to do that.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I wouldn't say I binged during the day, I definitely overate at supper (turkey dinner, desert), but everything went pretty good. Except for the fact that I knew I needed one last fling to end the "perfect weekend with him". So while I promised my parents I wouldn't, it was an empty promise from the beginning, because I knew I had to have one more wild tryst. After all, they hadn't gotten rid of everything yet. So I was WAITING for them to go to bed, and no sooner did I hear them go to bed, was I downstairs, rummaging through the freezer and I found some frozen coffee cakes (in case you're wondering why I do a lot of my binging out of the freezer, my mother buys most things in bulk, she loves a good deal on things, so we have lots of frozen goodies readily available, which she promises to work on for me). So I finished it off with a chocolate bar and 100 calorie snack pack, a mini-binge compared to what I'm used to, but a binge nonetheless. I knew I shouldn't, especially after that conversation, but I had to have it, for one last time with him. When I awoke this morning and my mother asked about my night, I felt bad lying to her, but sometimes what you don't know can't hurt you, right?

So all in all, today was a good day. I haven't binged and hope not to, although I have promised myself one small treat before bed. By allowing myself to have treats through the week I am hoping this will stop the urge to binge, if I am not always depriving myself for 22 hours a day of things I want. So I will not say I made it through the day today, because I when I say that and then I don't make it, I hate myself, so I won't prematurely congratulate myself, but I think I can do this.

It sounds like JJ had a good day today, I hope April did as well. Is there anyone else trying to do this with us, one day at a time?

xo *N