Too Little Too Late

I read an encouraging comment from JJ a few minutes too late - just mere minutes after yet again, another binge. Today started out fine, feeling a little sick from last night, but fine otherwise. Then I went about my day, eating my usual tiny portions - actually sticking to my diet at work today and feeling proud of myself for sticking to the plan. And I surprised even myself as I said no to the doughnuts someone generously brought in and laid on the kitchen table, and was strong enough to resist the chocolate truffles next to the doughnuts (seriously, someone is out to get me). At a hockey game tonight, I split a footlong sub with my BF, which was great, it was part of my meal plan for today. Then, upon returning home, I had a reduced calorie chocolate cake desert, which I had allowed for.

Unusual of a "date night" with my boyfriend, I had him bring me home, where we watched tv for about an hour before he went home. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, that I should go with him, or brush my teeth while he was here so I could go to bed as soon as he left. Both measures to protect me from binging, but I didn't do these things. The reason I didn't stay with him in the first place was because I had been feeling sick at work for most of the day, and by sick, I mean terrible gas cramps (too much info?), which I have attributed to last night, so thought it might be best if I stay alone tonight, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

The entire time we watched tv, I was thinking about the frozen cheesecake in my freezer, and how much I wanted it, how much I needed it. What's scary is I recognized the signals of Ed's coming to get me, but I felt powerless to stop him. So I hurried my BF off and went to try and cut into frozen cheesecake - if you want something bad enough, nothing will stop you, because I had physical strength I didn't know I had (unfortunately this abundance of physical strength equates to an underabundance of mental strength, which is what I really needed tonight). So I ate cheesecake. Game on. It was downhill from there (chocolate bar, icecream, fudge (which I don't even like!), baking coconut, frozen chocolate, cool whip). An hour later, I am back to where I was 24 hours ago.

(Anyone who might be wondering why someone like myself would have all these temptations around the house in the first place should know that I live with my parents while I am finishing my degree (in about a year), and while I plead with them not to keep these temptations in the house, they insist on some things for "guests". If I actually explained to them the extent of my self-inflicted suffering, I'm sure they would be more considerate, but as much as I love my parents, they believe more in "exercising self-control", as if it's just that easy for me.)

So this is where I found those encouraging comments from JJ, a support system to take on the next 9 days with me, and I couldn't even make 1. Dammit, I'm so mad! I do wish her the best though, and I hope she won't give up on me. I am with you JJ, as of now (I hope!).

I want to make it through the weekend so badly, but am not sure if I know how (dinner party Saturday night, family dinner Sunday evening). I know next week will be ok though. I am meeting with my counsellor on Wednesday, which I desperately need. I have made the decision to tell my BFF tomorrow about all this, something I have been hiding from her, since she has her own personal problems right now, but I have been there for her through the last year, I need her now. I want to go to church on Sunday, I feel like I can't do this alone. And maybe I should give some more serious thought to Overeater's Anonymous. I need the group support so badly, just to be around people who get it. And I'm going out to buy my own copy of Life Without ED. I had previously read and referenced my counsellors copy, but have since returned it to her. I was so strong with it. So this is my ammunition for the next week. I feel like I have tangible ammunition now, not just mental ammunition.

So tomorrow morning will be Groundhog Day - I will wake up, the same as today, with feelings of disgust, self loathing and sadness over my actions tonight, but all I can do at this point is restart. Again.

*N