Surviving Vulnerability

My apologies again for taking so long to write, I am getting pretty overwhelmed with school right now, and I am not feeling like myself lately. But here is a recap of the last few days.

Thursday night I was feeling weak, he had come for me. But I have been feeling so good lately. I found myself with the peanut butter jar in hand, and don't know how, but was able to snap out of the "zone" and put it back, without having binged. It wasn't easy. I had been watching TV with my mom and during a commercial break found myself with the jar in hand. I had to go to bed at that point because I knew it would be the beginning of the end. It sucks that he controlled me to the fact that he ruined my evening with my mom, but I was glad I was able to separate myself from him and say no.

As I identified two weeks ago with my counsellor, my vulnerable times are my rejection/abandonment periods, and I had lots of that on the weekend. I had started out earlier in last week worried about going out on Friday night with some co-workers and how I might end the night by binging or even overeating with them, having taken in too many drinks. Well, I didn't have to worry about that because the evening was cancelled by Friday morning. And I was feeling pretty down about it when I went home Friday night - I had made alternate plans to just watch TV and feel sorry for myself, but ended up going out for a little while with some other friends (pretty casual, home by 11pm). I hadn't felt too down about it though, because I had plans to go out with my brother the following night, so I thought. So I was able to resist temptation, Friday night, but it wasn't easy.

Then, it was Saturday night. And my brother cancelled on me last minute (again), to go out with some other friends. Not cool, but whatever, I'm just his sister, don't really matter anyway. So I drowned my sorrow in a DQ Treatzza Pizza. I won't say that I binged though, or even overate because where I follow the Weight Watchers plan, I hadn't really eaten anything all week, and had been saving up points for the weekend anyways, so enjoyed eating nearly half of the TP (I know the lines are blurry over whether or not this was in fact binging or overeating. My dad, having caught me eating so much of it, thought I was doing something wrong but given I had stuck to the diet plan all week, I don't consider this bad behaviour).

But then Sunday night came, and this is where the lines definitely blur. Having been dealing with my family emergency all week, my mother has been doing lots of baking, despite my best efforts to encourage her not to. And Sunday she made a carrot cake. I was on my way out the door with the intent to take over the other half of the TP to my bf's house where we would finish it and it would be out of my temptation site, but sure enough, my brother had nearly polished off the rest of it, having come home the night before drunk at 4am. And that's where I lost it. Since I couldn't have the cake I budgeted for since it was near gone, I had carrot cake. I don't even know how much because I just sat there in a cloudy haze eating sliver after sliver until I heard someone walking into the kitchen where I put it away and realized what I had done - what he had done to me. I had binged on the cake. After two weeks - 14 days of "sobriety", I had fallen. But not as hard as I had fallen in the past. It stopped with the cake, where it could have turned into a free for all. So I was able to exercise some self-control, he had gotten the best of me.

So it was a bittersweet fall for me. On one hand, it was only carrot cake in two weeks of beating him (I went two LONG weeks without binging or overeating), but on the other hand, I had fallen after two weeks for carrot cake (which I don't even really like, to be honest).

So once again, I've RESET as of yesterday. I'm back on the diet plan, consuming the bare minimum of WW points per day. As I sit here writing this, I'm actually very hungry, but I'm being punished for my bad behaviour on Sunday and cannot go over my daily minimum points. So while Ed's binge/overeating controls are getting easier to fight, I'm still battling his restrictive controls which are just as hard.

I'm meeting with my counsellor tomorrow, again, is greatly needed. I've got a lot to talk about. I hope you all are doing well. I will try to post after my session tomorrow.

xo *N