Right Now I Am Not Eating

So this was the first week of my new commitment to myself, and I must say, it isn't as easy as saying "this week I am just not going to binge". Given my newfound commitment to respecting myself and my body, I find myself thinking about food a lot. What makes it hard, is right now for example, I do not feel like I am just sitting at my computer and typing, but I am sitting here not eating. This has been a way of thinking for me for a while now, that I find myself out with friends or at school, rather than focusing on what we are doing, I am thinking about how I am not eating, which has been the hardest part of my week. But through the week, in an effort to not restrict food from my diet, I allowed myself to have a small treat here and there.

Today I was out with friends today and we stopped at a coffee shop and the doughnuts had caught my eye behind the counter. I started internally arguing with myself on why I couldn't have one, but then I thought about something my mother told me, learned through years of yo-yo dieting, which is by depriving myself of foods that I like or want, I will only set myself up for failure, and I realized that through restricting foods through the week or in public, I am setting myself up to crash and burn when I am by myself, which is when I binge. So I ordered this chocolate filled doughnut and not only did it taste amazing, but 5 hours later, I don't even feel guilty about it, where if I had thought about how much I wanted it and didn't have it, I would have had it on the brain tonight and might be back to where I was last Saturday night.

Given that I am in on a Saturday night by myself, this would normally be prime binging time and I have actually surprised myself that I have not made my way to the kitchen for midless eating. I do have to say, I picked up the (new) peanut butter jar several times to contemplate taking a spoonful but realized he was only trying to control me, and I know that I wouldn't stop at one spoonful, but only once I begin to feel sick in the stomach or start scraping the sides of the inside of the jar.

The counsellor that I am seeing on a bi-weekly basis had some really good advice for me, which has helped me get through the past week, especially this "peanut butter moment". She said when I find myself mindlessly looking through the fridge, or binging on whatever the food of the moment is, is to separate my thoughts from his, and ask myself if this is what I really want - what am I really looking for in the jar of peanut butter? In addition to disordered eating habits, I have low self esteem and mild social anxiety (both of which I am working on as a commitment to respecting myself), so for me, perhaps I'm feeling lonely, or sad about my day, or frustrated with life. Everyone has their own reasons for giving into their own addiction and these moments you look to medicate yourself with whatever your drug of choice is. So through identifying what I'm really feeling at the moment, taking a few deep breaths and mentally questioning what I am doing has given me the power to take a step back and say, "I don't need this". And feeling this empowered and in control feels so much better than the self loathing and resentment I would have felt after binging.

So all in all, this was a pretty good week, not necessarily easy, but I have accomplished my goals of not binging and respecting myself through the week. I am just taking this one day at a time - one week at a time. I hope next week is as much of a success as this week, and who knows, maybe it will even be a little easier.

Thanks to those of you who took the time to email me through the last week. I think you would be surprised at the people who identify with this feeling of being misunderstood in not having a traditional eating disorder. I hadn't really thought about how disordered eating might affect men - the men in my life eat the most unhealthy foods and then whine about losing weight and their "bulk". But there are men out there who go through this as well - this type of thing doesn't just prey on women and I hope we can provide help and support for one another, regardless of who you are. Please feel free to post comments and questions. I would love for this to become some type of forum that we can discuss these issues through the anonymity of the Internet with understanding people.

Take Care

*N