Committing to Change

The following is taken from a journal entry I wrote last night. This proceeds a week of what I thought was the beginning of a new me, a new outlook on food and life. But then on Saturday evening before leaving for a party, I found myself alone in my house, looking for a treat. The treat of cake turned into an all-out binge fest in which I ate a lot of food, so much that when I finished I was feeling sick to my stomach. This binge included an extra piece of cake, cleaning the icing bowl, eating frozen cookie dough, finishing off the 1kg peanut butter jar that was opened two weeks ago and emptied through the course of several binges (not once was it used on toast or a sandwich - its intended purpose) and fudge.

I eventually made it to the party but was NOT feeling good (as you might imagine). I ended up leaving after about an hour since I was feeling so sick. I came home and slept for a few hours but awoke to the tempting cries of more cake, which was finished off with mint chocolate, more cookie dough, fudge, cool whip, chips, peanuts and M&M's (in my defense the last three were all in nearly eaten bags, but the disgust I felt when I threw out three empty food bags was beyond disgraceful). This all followed by crying and self loating, and starting a journal for myself. I decided I can no longer live like this, and have made this commitment to myself, similar to the Declaration of Independence written by Jenni Schaefer. I am sharing this with you as part of holding myself accountable for my eating behaviours.

(He, him, ED and other male pronouns refer to ED, or Eating Disorder. In her book, Life Without Ed, Jenni identifies her eating disorder as an abusive relationship with an abusive man named Ed, which I have also used to identify the controlling thoughts of my food addiction.)

This was written at 2:08am this morning.

Today I will make a promise to myself to respect me and my body. I will banish all neagtive thoughts from my mind because I deserve to be happy. I have also made a commitment to *N to stop abusing her body through over-eating, trying to purge and physical abuse. I do not treat others the way I treat myself and I deserve the same respect that I give to others. I will no longer give into the controlling nature of him. Today I am leaving him and will not be seduced back by his ways. He will no longer hypnotize me with a jar of peanut butter or his other weapons which he uses against me. Through leaving this part of my life behind, I will take food back into my life, not as comfort for loneliness, sadness or boredom, but for a way to nourish myself in a respectful manner. I cannot allow myself to be addicted to him anymore. When I am with him, I get depressed and he makes me hate myself, and for what? A feeling of sickness, regret, self loathing and more. I wouldn`t let a human treat me this way, and I will no longer let him.

This emancipation from him will include more than over eating, but also his controlling nature. I will allow myself to have any food desired within moderation and in a controlled environment. Allowing myself to have small treats will be my ammunition for when he comes for me. When he comes, my ammunition will be distraction tactics, such as brushing my teeth, checking my email, calling a friend, etc. The people in my life love me and are here for me, and are perhaps the most important resource I have in fighting him. I give permission for myself to use their help as they would use mine, because I give myself permission to value myself.

Through living by these words from now on, I will no longer go to bed feeling as sick as I do now. I will begin to love myself and honor my body.

ED, we are through; its over; you can no longer torment me; your seductions will not work here any more. My desire to beat you is stronger than my will to let you beat me.

Love *N