Sunday, January 18, 2009

*N and the Binge

Hello and thanks for visiting my page.

I have created this as a means to reach out to others who might find themselves in my situation. What is my situation? It's not quite an eating disorder, but what is more commonly becoming known as disordered eating. The best way I can define this is as having irregular and unhealthy eating patterns, and for me means binging. Binging commonly goes hand-in-hand with purging, or bulimia, however inducing vomitting is not something that comes easily to me - not for a lack of trying of course (I know that is wrong). Bulimia is a serious disease for many people and it is not something I want for myself, but I find myself, once I have binged standing over the toilet with my finger down my throat. I often do this until my throat is sore from trying, but have not once been able to physically throw up, which could possibly be some sort of divine intervention - not being able to throw up. On several occasions I find myself crying and punching my stomach, not necessarily as punishment, but just trying to get the food out because it feels so bad inside me.

A typical binge for me begins with finding myself alone in my house - a time when I can binge in peace without someone to judgingly watch. It often starts with allowing myself to have something small, but then realizing that allowing this was just a tease and that I need more, so I take more. Followed by 30 or 40 minutes of losing control and eating anything in site (for me it is usually chocolate, desert type foods and even spoonfuls of peanut butter), followed by a realization of what happened, and then resentment/guilt/self hatred and finally sadness. I often end these binges crying into my pillow for having allowed this to happen, knowing that it was wrong from the beginning.

Many people do not understand that food is an addiction, and for many, happens to be the drug of choice. In the past I have found myself wishing for an alcohol or drug addiction because at least people around me would understand that. I know, it is an aweful thing to wish and is something that kills many people each year, but people understand these more so than a food addiction. When you can't stop eating people just think of you as disgusting or "just stop eating", as if you are an idiot and had never thought of that before.

My purpose in setting up this page is to connect with others out there who are experiencing this type of food addiction, and want to stop, but are unable to through their own lack of self control. It is my hope that we can support each other and offer advice and encouragement.

A little bit about me:
I am a 25 year old female who has never by any means been overweight or had an eating disorder. I had always prided myself on not falling into fad diets and not being one of those girls who obsess over food - one that a guy would have a good time with at a restaurant because I would order real food rather than rabbit food. Over the summer I started following a popular diet program and took me from 156lbs., to 137lbs over the course of about 6 months. Over these months I began to become obsessed with food, my life would revolve around menus, calories, fat, etc., and I stopped enjoying food. It became more of a comfort for loneliness, sadness or whatever negative emotion I might be feeling. Since the holidays, I have jumped up to 144lbs but want to catch this while it's early since an underactive thyroid is working against me and given my destructive eating habits I will likely surpass my original weight. The only thing I have working with me in helping fight this is that I exercise on a daily basis.

Over the last two months I have sought professional help for this emotional eating and know the theory behind healthy eating but am having a hard time practicing it. Over this period, I have also read a helpful book which has allowed me to identify means for fighting disordered eating. Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer has been a big support for me, and while I do not suffer from anorexia or bulimia, the controlling mind of one suffering from unhealthy food relationships is a common trait shared among many women suffering from disordered eating, or an eating disorder.

I have taken some of her suggestions, which I will post in the coming days. My hope with this blog is to be able to provide support to those out there who are suffering from this problem, as there are many resources for anorexia and bulimia, but not disordered eating, although everyone is welcome to share their thoughts and help each other. Through developing virtual realtionships, I hope to find a reason to be accountable for my actions and that we can empower each other to fight this together.

I just want to feel healthy and normal again and no longer go to bed feeling sick from overeating, to stop hating myself for doing this to myself, and to be happy again. Please feel free to leave your comments, I look forward to hearing from you.

*N

7 comments:

  1. understand you perfectly...feels so familiar...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I read your first post, and completely understand what you mean. For some reason, I could never throw up, and it would frustrate me to no end. So I would try not eating, or excessive exercising. Still, however, my inability to pure frustrated me and, in my moments of weakness, still does.

    I've been dealing with this for almost three years, and every time I meet or see a picture of a beautiful girl, I think, how much weight do I need to lose to look like that? The reality is that I have a healthy weight based on my height, but whenever I see a pretty girl, the first thing that comes to my mind is 'I need to throw up!'

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know, it is frustrating, especially when all you want to do is get it out of you, not because you want to necessarily throw up, but it almost feels alien or something having it all inside of you (I'm sure someone must know what that means...).

    I have spent a lot of time and gas driving around the city looking for that syrup that induces vomitting, and it took me a long time to find. The funny thing is, is that once I found it (in probably the only pharmacy in the city), I was too afraid to buy it. Perhaps afraid of liking it, afraid of not liking it, becoming dependent on it, I don't know...

    I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason, and the fact that I can't make myself throw up, makes me wonder why. Maybe deep down I don't want to because I know its wrong and what it can lead to. Or maybe its lack of commitment to the cause (sick, I know). This was part of what caused me to seek help from my counsellor, because knowing that this is wrong, maybe this was the push in the butt I needed to get real help, rather than $4.99 help from the drugstore. And dry heaving over the toilet is almost as painful as really throwing up, you still contract your neck and throat muscles, you bring up lots of saliva and get those sick burps that are so hard on your throat.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for sharing. It's like I'm reading the diary I don't have the courage to write myself.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am unsure what is happening to me but I barely eat in the day and I wake up at night and eat anything and everything. I can not control it. I self-talk all day long that I won't do this but then I go to sleep and an hour later the whole cycle starts all over again. I wake up and eat 1/2 bag of cookies....and I am still eating when I fall asleep....then I will wake up an hour later and eat the other 1/2 bag. Sometimes I wake in the morning with crumbs in my bed and I will not even remember all that I ate. It can be anything with sugar. I stop buying these items and I will find another route (cinamon sugar on toast) ....so then I stop buying cinamon....then I will make toast with just brown sugar.....anything just to eat. Last night I ate a whole box of oreo cakesters...I can not control it and don't know how. Is there any medication you can take at night to not eat? I have thought about throwing up or duct taping my mouth at night so I can not eat? Any suggestions would be great! I NEED HELP!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. That sounds so scary, waking up in the night like that and just going for it... and not remembering it! I know what you mean about trying to help yourself by not buying things because you know you will eat them, but then you just end up finding something else to replace it with, just to feel the food in your mouth.

    I don't know a lot about this or medications to take (although see my new post for my "self medication" from yesterday), is this something you have spoken with a doctor or counsellor with? They would be able to assess your situation and recommend a course of treatment for this. This being something happening to you while sleeping, I'm sure a doctor would be able to do something for you.

    Best of luck, please stay in touch! We can work through this togther, I know there are so many more people dealing with things like this and it is good to have support.

    xo *N

    ReplyDelete