Tuesday, January 27, 2009

He Came For Me on A Tuesday and Caught Me Off Guard

I have the knowledge to stop, but it isn't that easy. I met with my counsellor today and while she acknowledges how far I have come, I feel as though I'm getting worse. Just when I thought that I had identified Saturdays as my "Danger Day", I screw it all up with a Tuesday binge (so out of the norm for me).

It started with having company over after dinner, so there were sweets around for the purpose of our guests. Having given myself permission to have one sweet, that quickly lead to eating a quarter of the pan of squares - it was so out of control. Then my "go big or go home" mentality took over and it was game on. Needless to say I feel pretty sick in my stomach right now.

Today when I met with my counsellor, I realized that Saturday seems to be my "Danger Day". So we set up a plan of attack for how I would react come Saturday. This included not giving myself the opportunity to binge by surrounding myself with people, and when I left her office, I felt ready to do so. I am a very structured person and I enjoy planning out my life, knowing what is going to come next, but what I didn't anticipate was when he came calling on a Tuesday. I was not equipped to fight him today, he "sneak attacked" me. And I let him. Rather than mentally and physically removing myself from the situation, I let him seduce me with his sugary treats. And here I sit, wishing it would all just go away, how easy it would be if my drug of choice weren't food. If it were alcohol, I could not go to a bar, to a liquor store. If it were drugs, I could not buy them or hang around people who have drugs, but as my counsellor explained, we need food to live. There is no avoiding food. And through having these problems with food, I have replaced its intended purpose (i.e. survival), with self medication. But what am I medicating myself from, what is so bad in my life that I have to run to food to comfort me? These are the questions I am working through in counselling. I never thought of myself to be one with problems - I come from a good home, have a loving family, a devoted boyfriend, but deep down, am I missing something? Companionship? Am I lonely?

I need someone out there to help me with this. Perhaps you are going through something similar, I know someone is.

Help

*N

4 comments:

  1. wow you sound like me, i have a counsellor too, we talk about alowing myslef to enjoy food..its fucked i want help but i dont, yeah as for instatutions not helping those that do not meet critirea for ed diagnosis, i know how it feels to want help but no one will help you, i whent to mental health and they told me they only help bulimics or anxious anorexics, I had 4 referalls. so fuck um, be glad you have the counsellor, shes Gods gift to you because you cant help from others, just like me, mines my gift

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  2. Do you know what, it is fucked. And people just don't get it. My counsellor is amazing, and she actually shared with me just recently how she battled anorexia for 10 years. So while our clinical diagnosises are different, she understands the warped mentality that comes with an unhealthy food relationship. So I agree with you, she is a gift to me, in my world where those around me, who don't understand this, tell me to "have some self control". It's not that easy, and she knows it. SO I am grateful to have her support in my life right now. I know this is the hard part, but she assures me it gets easier.

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  3. Oh my gosh it sounds just like my own life you are talking about. I honestly am struggling with the same thing you are. Addiction to sugar and food and binges where food controls my life. I'm sick of being controlled like this. you are lucky you have a counsellor like that, I wish I did. It is very hard, but we CAN beat it. I totally relate to your struggle. It is mine as well. Peace and love :)

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  4. Hi April :)
    I am amazed at how many people are suffering with this as well, it seems to be one of those things people don't talk about because of shame, embarassment, etc., but I'm glad people like us are trying to fight this. This probably is no substitute for interacting with someone face to face, but I am finding it to be somewhat therapeutic, just to be able to talk about this with people like us, who understand.

    I like that you used the word addiction in your comment. I used the word with my parents yesterday at my "intervention", and I don't think they got it, they questioned the legitimacy of my claiming the word to describe myself as having that kind of relationship with food, but I believe that food is just as addictive as anything.

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