Today was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling like ass, and I'll be honest, I still don't feel great in the stomach, but definitely better than this morning. When I woke up this morning, I thought that as punishment, I wouldn't eat much today, to lay low. But as the day went on, I got hungry, so I resisted the urge to starve myself (not so much resisted as WANTED FOOD), and ate rather healthily throughout the day. But don't think I didn't think about straying from the healthy choices. Sweets from last night were still in the house, and my computer desk had remnants of the cookie dough from last night. Despite all that, though, I was able to stay focused, and survived today (whether it was willpower or a food hangover that kept me in line, I don't know...). What I am pleased about though, is that I spent a better part of the day in the house, by myself and didn't overdo it.
I am slightly worried about Saturday night, though (Danger Day). My counsellor suggested a "plan of attack" for dealing with this day, and it was to make sure I am not alone in my house, so I don't have the chance to binge. However, my friends bailed on a night on the town and my bf is abandoning me for a UFC fight, so I am frantically trying to make replacement plans just to be out of the house during this time. I know if I can just make it through one weekend without binging, I can make it through another. It's all about baby steps.
So I am recommitting to my goal I set forth at the beginning of the week, except now my week will run Wednesday-Tuesday. So day 1 is down, 6 more to go. Wish me luck!
*N
Showing posts with label loss of control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss of control. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Comin' Down, Comin' Down, Comin' Down...
...Spinnin 'round, Spinnin' round, Spinnin' round'
Here I sit approximately 9 hours later, and the more I think about it, food (being my drug of choice) is really not that different from alcohol. I am suffering from a food hangover, similar to how I've felt after a night on the town, and the more often this happens, the more often I am waking up with a "food hangover". I mean, we've all said these things while we're drinking: "I am going to sleep this off", "I shouldn't have eaten so much last night" (I shouldn't have drank so much last night), "I am not doing this again for a long time".
And then there is the "comin' down". I binge on sugary foods (chocolate, peanut butter, sweets, etc.), so you can imagine that's quite a sugar rush for your body. But then when you come down off of it, you just crash. I get a little shaky, my heart races and you just lose your energy, and for me makes me want to sleep. Perhaps how a drug addict feels coming down off their high. I've not figured out if I want to sleep so I don't have to stay awake and acknowledge what I've done, if it's because I'm actually tired, or if it's coming down off a sugar rush that drains me.
I'm not exercising this morning as I usually do because I feel too crappy (Please don't misconstrue my desire to exercise this morning as a desire to purge my body of last night. Exercising is something I enjoy as it makes me feel good about myself. I feel so strong and empowered when I'm running or kicking butt in a cardio class). So because I ate too much last night, I am not going to start my day off with this feeling of empowerment and enjoyment, like I start most days because my stomach feels so bad. The more I think about it, this is an addiction. It is a fucked up addiction because it makes you eat so much and it tells people that you are disgusting for doing so.
*N
Here I sit approximately 9 hours later, and the more I think about it, food (being my drug of choice) is really not that different from alcohol. I am suffering from a food hangover, similar to how I've felt after a night on the town, and the more often this happens, the more often I am waking up with a "food hangover". I mean, we've all said these things while we're drinking: "I am going to sleep this off", "I shouldn't have eaten so much last night" (I shouldn't have drank so much last night), "I am not doing this again for a long time".
And then there is the "comin' down". I binge on sugary foods (chocolate, peanut butter, sweets, etc.), so you can imagine that's quite a sugar rush for your body. But then when you come down off of it, you just crash. I get a little shaky, my heart races and you just lose your energy, and for me makes me want to sleep. Perhaps how a drug addict feels coming down off their high. I've not figured out if I want to sleep so I don't have to stay awake and acknowledge what I've done, if it's because I'm actually tired, or if it's coming down off a sugar rush that drains me.
I'm not exercising this morning as I usually do because I feel too crappy (Please don't misconstrue my desire to exercise this morning as a desire to purge my body of last night. Exercising is something I enjoy as it makes me feel good about myself. I feel so strong and empowered when I'm running or kicking butt in a cardio class). So because I ate too much last night, I am not going to start my day off with this feeling of empowerment and enjoyment, like I start most days because my stomach feels so bad. The more I think about it, this is an addiction. It is a fucked up addiction because it makes you eat so much and it tells people that you are disgusting for doing so.
*N
Monday, January 26, 2009
RESTART
This is a new week, the last few Mondays seem to start out like this for me, it is when I get to the weekend that everything seems to be forgotten. But right now, I have hit the re-set button and I am moving into a new day, a new week, committed once again to myself. It's all I can do at this point.
I have done my best through exercise this morning to "purge" my body of the harm from the weekend. But I am going to resist the urge to starve myself and restart this week with nourishment and things that are good for me. I am going to go back on my diet plan, the one that I started on back in the summer. I have never really acknowledged stopping it because I follow it for about 5-6 days of the week for the last 5 weeks or so (come to think of it, nowhere in my diet plan does it say to eat yourself into a sugar coma until you feel sick), but this week I am making the commitment to myself to follow it through for a solid 7 consecutive days. This will not be easy as I have a dinner meeting this evening and plans to go out with the girls on the weekend.
The good thing about busying myself with commitments is that being around others I won't have the opportunity to binge by myself, and Saturday seeming to be the day I need to make an extra effort to resist the temptations. I never want to feel like I felt yesterday and Saturday - both physically and emotionally. This is just so emotionally draining, the ups and downs.
So there it is: My goal for the week is to see through the week without binging, 7 consecutive days. I hope to achieve this through setting daily meal plans for myself and sticking to them. These will include small daily treats for myself so I do not feel like I am restricting myself. (You may think that by compulsively planning what I will eat in the course of a day is a controlling process, but this is how I do things and it works for me - I am a "list" person so to speak, at work/school, lists keep me on task and focused, so while this may not seem like a good idea for some people, this is what will work for me.) And who knows, maybe from there I can make it another 7 days. But baby steps for now - one day at a time.
*N
I have done my best through exercise this morning to "purge" my body of the harm from the weekend. But I am going to resist the urge to starve myself and restart this week with nourishment and things that are good for me. I am going to go back on my diet plan, the one that I started on back in the summer. I have never really acknowledged stopping it because I follow it for about 5-6 days of the week for the last 5 weeks or so (come to think of it, nowhere in my diet plan does it say to eat yourself into a sugar coma until you feel sick), but this week I am making the commitment to myself to follow it through for a solid 7 consecutive days. This will not be easy as I have a dinner meeting this evening and plans to go out with the girls on the weekend.
The good thing about busying myself with commitments is that being around others I won't have the opportunity to binge by myself, and Saturday seeming to be the day I need to make an extra effort to resist the temptations. I never want to feel like I felt yesterday and Saturday - both physically and emotionally. This is just so emotionally draining, the ups and downs.
So there it is: My goal for the week is to see through the week without binging, 7 consecutive days. I hope to achieve this through setting daily meal plans for myself and sticking to them. These will include small daily treats for myself so I do not feel like I am restricting myself. (You may think that by compulsively planning what I will eat in the course of a day is a controlling process, but this is how I do things and it works for me - I am a "list" person so to speak, at work/school, lists keep me on task and focused, so while this may not seem like a good idea for some people, this is what will work for me.) And who knows, maybe from there I can make it another 7 days. But baby steps for now - one day at a time.
*N
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