Today was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling like ass, and I'll be honest, I still don't feel great in the stomach, but definitely better than this morning. When I woke up this morning, I thought that as punishment, I wouldn't eat much today, to lay low. But as the day went on, I got hungry, so I resisted the urge to starve myself (not so much resisted as WANTED FOOD), and ate rather healthily throughout the day. But don't think I didn't think about straying from the healthy choices. Sweets from last night were still in the house, and my computer desk had remnants of the cookie dough from last night. Despite all that, though, I was able to stay focused, and survived today (whether it was willpower or a food hangover that kept me in line, I don't know...). What I am pleased about though, is that I spent a better part of the day in the house, by myself and didn't overdo it.
I am slightly worried about Saturday night, though (Danger Day). My counsellor suggested a "plan of attack" for dealing with this day, and it was to make sure I am not alone in my house, so I don't have the chance to binge. However, my friends bailed on a night on the town and my bf is abandoning me for a UFC fight, so I am frantically trying to make replacement plans just to be out of the house during this time. I know if I can just make it through one weekend without binging, I can make it through another. It's all about baby steps.
So I am recommitting to my goal I set forth at the beginning of the week, except now my week will run Wednesday-Tuesday. So day 1 is down, 6 more to go. Wish me luck!
*N
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
RESTART
This is a new week, the last few Mondays seem to start out like this for me, it is when I get to the weekend that everything seems to be forgotten. But right now, I have hit the re-set button and I am moving into a new day, a new week, committed once again to myself. It's all I can do at this point.
I have done my best through exercise this morning to "purge" my body of the harm from the weekend. But I am going to resist the urge to starve myself and restart this week with nourishment and things that are good for me. I am going to go back on my diet plan, the one that I started on back in the summer. I have never really acknowledged stopping it because I follow it for about 5-6 days of the week for the last 5 weeks or so (come to think of it, nowhere in my diet plan does it say to eat yourself into a sugar coma until you feel sick), but this week I am making the commitment to myself to follow it through for a solid 7 consecutive days. This will not be easy as I have a dinner meeting this evening and plans to go out with the girls on the weekend.
The good thing about busying myself with commitments is that being around others I won't have the opportunity to binge by myself, and Saturday seeming to be the day I need to make an extra effort to resist the temptations. I never want to feel like I felt yesterday and Saturday - both physically and emotionally. This is just so emotionally draining, the ups and downs.
So there it is: My goal for the week is to see through the week without binging, 7 consecutive days. I hope to achieve this through setting daily meal plans for myself and sticking to them. These will include small daily treats for myself so I do not feel like I am restricting myself. (You may think that by compulsively planning what I will eat in the course of a day is a controlling process, but this is how I do things and it works for me - I am a "list" person so to speak, at work/school, lists keep me on task and focused, so while this may not seem like a good idea for some people, this is what will work for me.) And who knows, maybe from there I can make it another 7 days. But baby steps for now - one day at a time.
*N
I have done my best through exercise this morning to "purge" my body of the harm from the weekend. But I am going to resist the urge to starve myself and restart this week with nourishment and things that are good for me. I am going to go back on my diet plan, the one that I started on back in the summer. I have never really acknowledged stopping it because I follow it for about 5-6 days of the week for the last 5 weeks or so (come to think of it, nowhere in my diet plan does it say to eat yourself into a sugar coma until you feel sick), but this week I am making the commitment to myself to follow it through for a solid 7 consecutive days. This will not be easy as I have a dinner meeting this evening and plans to go out with the girls on the weekend.
The good thing about busying myself with commitments is that being around others I won't have the opportunity to binge by myself, and Saturday seeming to be the day I need to make an extra effort to resist the temptations. I never want to feel like I felt yesterday and Saturday - both physically and emotionally. This is just so emotionally draining, the ups and downs.
So there it is: My goal for the week is to see through the week without binging, 7 consecutive days. I hope to achieve this through setting daily meal plans for myself and sticking to them. These will include small daily treats for myself so I do not feel like I am restricting myself. (You may think that by compulsively planning what I will eat in the course of a day is a controlling process, but this is how I do things and it works for me - I am a "list" person so to speak, at work/school, lists keep me on task and focused, so while this may not seem like a good idea for some people, this is what will work for me.) And who knows, maybe from there I can make it another 7 days. But baby steps for now - one day at a time.
*N
Sunday, January 18, 2009
*N and the Binge
Hello and thanks for visiting my page.
I have created this as a means to reach out to others who might find themselves in my situation. What is my situation? It's not quite an eating disorder, but what is more commonly becoming known as disordered eating. The best way I can define this is as having irregular and unhealthy eating patterns, and for me means binging. Binging commonly goes hand-in-hand with purging, or bulimia, however inducing vomitting is not something that comes easily to me - not for a lack of trying of course (I know that is wrong). Bulimia is a serious disease for many people and it is not something I want for myself, but I find myself, once I have binged standing over the toilet with my finger down my throat. I often do this until my throat is sore from trying, but have not once been able to physically throw up, which could possibly be some sort of divine intervention - not being able to throw up. On several occasions I find myself crying and punching my stomach, not necessarily as punishment, but just trying to get the food out because it feels so bad inside me.
A typical binge for me begins with finding myself alone in my house - a time when I can binge in peace without someone to judgingly watch. It often starts with allowing myself to have something small, but then realizing that allowing this was just a tease and that I need more, so I take more. Followed by 30 or 40 minutes of losing control and eating anything in site (for me it is usually chocolate, desert type foods and even spoonfuls of peanut butter), followed by a realization of what happened, and then resentment/guilt/self hatred and finally sadness. I often end these binges crying into my pillow for having allowed this to happen, knowing that it was wrong from the beginning.
Many people do not understand that food is an addiction, and for many, happens to be the drug of choice. In the past I have found myself wishing for an alcohol or drug addiction because at least people around me would understand that. I know, it is an aweful thing to wish and is something that kills many people each year, but people understand these more so than a food addiction. When you can't stop eating people just think of you as disgusting or "just stop eating", as if you are an idiot and had never thought of that before.
My purpose in setting up this page is to connect with others out there who are experiencing this type of food addiction, and want to stop, but are unable to through their own lack of self control. It is my hope that we can support each other and offer advice and encouragement.
A little bit about me:
I am a 25 year old female who has never by any means been overweight or had an eating disorder. I had always prided myself on not falling into fad diets and not being one of those girls who obsess over food - one that a guy would have a good time with at a restaurant because I would order real food rather than rabbit food. Over the summer I started following a popular diet program and took me from 156lbs., to 137lbs over the course of about 6 months. Over these months I began to become obsessed with food, my life would revolve around menus, calories, fat, etc., and I stopped enjoying food. It became more of a comfort for loneliness, sadness or whatever negative emotion I might be feeling. Since the holidays, I have jumped up to 144lbs but want to catch this while it's early since an underactive thyroid is working against me and given my destructive eating habits I will likely surpass my original weight. The only thing I have working with me in helping fight this is that I exercise on a daily basis.
Over the last two months I have sought professional help for this emotional eating and know the theory behind healthy eating but am having a hard time practicing it. Over this period, I have also read a helpful book which has allowed me to identify means for fighting disordered eating. Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer has been a big support for me, and while I do not suffer from anorexia or bulimia, the controlling mind of one suffering from unhealthy food relationships is a common trait shared among many women suffering from disordered eating, or an eating disorder.
I have taken some of her suggestions, which I will post in the coming days. My hope with this blog is to be able to provide support to those out there who are suffering from this problem, as there are many resources for anorexia and bulimia, but not disordered eating, although everyone is welcome to share their thoughts and help each other. Through developing virtual realtionships, I hope to find a reason to be accountable for my actions and that we can empower each other to fight this together.
I just want to feel healthy and normal again and no longer go to bed feeling sick from overeating, to stop hating myself for doing this to myself, and to be happy again. Please feel free to leave your comments, I look forward to hearing from you.
*N
I have created this as a means to reach out to others who might find themselves in my situation. What is my situation? It's not quite an eating disorder, but what is more commonly becoming known as disordered eating. The best way I can define this is as having irregular and unhealthy eating patterns, and for me means binging. Binging commonly goes hand-in-hand with purging, or bulimia, however inducing vomitting is not something that comes easily to me - not for a lack of trying of course (I know that is wrong). Bulimia is a serious disease for many people and it is not something I want for myself, but I find myself, once I have binged standing over the toilet with my finger down my throat. I often do this until my throat is sore from trying, but have not once been able to physically throw up, which could possibly be some sort of divine intervention - not being able to throw up. On several occasions I find myself crying and punching my stomach, not necessarily as punishment, but just trying to get the food out because it feels so bad inside me.
A typical binge for me begins with finding myself alone in my house - a time when I can binge in peace without someone to judgingly watch. It often starts with allowing myself to have something small, but then realizing that allowing this was just a tease and that I need more, so I take more. Followed by 30 or 40 minutes of losing control and eating anything in site (for me it is usually chocolate, desert type foods and even spoonfuls of peanut butter), followed by a realization of what happened, and then resentment/guilt/self hatred and finally sadness. I often end these binges crying into my pillow for having allowed this to happen, knowing that it was wrong from the beginning.
Many people do not understand that food is an addiction, and for many, happens to be the drug of choice. In the past I have found myself wishing for an alcohol or drug addiction because at least people around me would understand that. I know, it is an aweful thing to wish and is something that kills many people each year, but people understand these more so than a food addiction. When you can't stop eating people just think of you as disgusting or "just stop eating", as if you are an idiot and had never thought of that before.
My purpose in setting up this page is to connect with others out there who are experiencing this type of food addiction, and want to stop, but are unable to through their own lack of self control. It is my hope that we can support each other and offer advice and encouragement.
A little bit about me:
I am a 25 year old female who has never by any means been overweight or had an eating disorder. I had always prided myself on not falling into fad diets and not being one of those girls who obsess over food - one that a guy would have a good time with at a restaurant because I would order real food rather than rabbit food. Over the summer I started following a popular diet program and took me from 156lbs., to 137lbs over the course of about 6 months. Over these months I began to become obsessed with food, my life would revolve around menus, calories, fat, etc., and I stopped enjoying food. It became more of a comfort for loneliness, sadness or whatever negative emotion I might be feeling. Since the holidays, I have jumped up to 144lbs but want to catch this while it's early since an underactive thyroid is working against me and given my destructive eating habits I will likely surpass my original weight. The only thing I have working with me in helping fight this is that I exercise on a daily basis.
Over the last two months I have sought professional help for this emotional eating and know the theory behind healthy eating but am having a hard time practicing it. Over this period, I have also read a helpful book which has allowed me to identify means for fighting disordered eating. Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer has been a big support for me, and while I do not suffer from anorexia or bulimia, the controlling mind of one suffering from unhealthy food relationships is a common trait shared among many women suffering from disordered eating, or an eating disorder.
I have taken some of her suggestions, which I will post in the coming days. My hope with this blog is to be able to provide support to those out there who are suffering from this problem, as there are many resources for anorexia and bulimia, but not disordered eating, although everyone is welcome to share their thoughts and help each other. Through developing virtual realtionships, I hope to find a reason to be accountable for my actions and that we can empower each other to fight this together.
I just want to feel healthy and normal again and no longer go to bed feeling sick from overeating, to stop hating myself for doing this to myself, and to be happy again. Please feel free to leave your comments, I look forward to hearing from you.
*N
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