Today was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling like ass, and I'll be honest, I still don't feel great in the stomach, but definitely better than this morning. When I woke up this morning, I thought that as punishment, I wouldn't eat much today, to lay low. But as the day went on, I got hungry, so I resisted the urge to starve myself (not so much resisted as WANTED FOOD), and ate rather healthily throughout the day. But don't think I didn't think about straying from the healthy choices. Sweets from last night were still in the house, and my computer desk had remnants of the cookie dough from last night. Despite all that, though, I was able to stay focused, and survived today (whether it was willpower or a food hangover that kept me in line, I don't know...). What I am pleased about though, is that I spent a better part of the day in the house, by myself and didn't overdo it.
I am slightly worried about Saturday night, though (Danger Day). My counsellor suggested a "plan of attack" for dealing with this day, and it was to make sure I am not alone in my house, so I don't have the chance to binge. However, my friends bailed on a night on the town and my bf is abandoning me for a UFC fight, so I am frantically trying to make replacement plans just to be out of the house during this time. I know if I can just make it through one weekend without binging, I can make it through another. It's all about baby steps.
So I am recommitting to my goal I set forth at the beginning of the week, except now my week will run Wednesday-Tuesday. So day 1 is down, 6 more to go. Wish me luck!
*N
Showing posts with label binge eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label binge eating. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Comin' Down, Comin' Down, Comin' Down...
...Spinnin 'round, Spinnin' round, Spinnin' round'
Here I sit approximately 9 hours later, and the more I think about it, food (being my drug of choice) is really not that different from alcohol. I am suffering from a food hangover, similar to how I've felt after a night on the town, and the more often this happens, the more often I am waking up with a "food hangover". I mean, we've all said these things while we're drinking: "I am going to sleep this off", "I shouldn't have eaten so much last night" (I shouldn't have drank so much last night), "I am not doing this again for a long time".
And then there is the "comin' down". I binge on sugary foods (chocolate, peanut butter, sweets, etc.), so you can imagine that's quite a sugar rush for your body. But then when you come down off of it, you just crash. I get a little shaky, my heart races and you just lose your energy, and for me makes me want to sleep. Perhaps how a drug addict feels coming down off their high. I've not figured out if I want to sleep so I don't have to stay awake and acknowledge what I've done, if it's because I'm actually tired, or if it's coming down off a sugar rush that drains me.
I'm not exercising this morning as I usually do because I feel too crappy (Please don't misconstrue my desire to exercise this morning as a desire to purge my body of last night. Exercising is something I enjoy as it makes me feel good about myself. I feel so strong and empowered when I'm running or kicking butt in a cardio class). So because I ate too much last night, I am not going to start my day off with this feeling of empowerment and enjoyment, like I start most days because my stomach feels so bad. The more I think about it, this is an addiction. It is a fucked up addiction because it makes you eat so much and it tells people that you are disgusting for doing so.
*N
Here I sit approximately 9 hours later, and the more I think about it, food (being my drug of choice) is really not that different from alcohol. I am suffering from a food hangover, similar to how I've felt after a night on the town, and the more often this happens, the more often I am waking up with a "food hangover". I mean, we've all said these things while we're drinking: "I am going to sleep this off", "I shouldn't have eaten so much last night" (I shouldn't have drank so much last night), "I am not doing this again for a long time".
And then there is the "comin' down". I binge on sugary foods (chocolate, peanut butter, sweets, etc.), so you can imagine that's quite a sugar rush for your body. But then when you come down off of it, you just crash. I get a little shaky, my heart races and you just lose your energy, and for me makes me want to sleep. Perhaps how a drug addict feels coming down off their high. I've not figured out if I want to sleep so I don't have to stay awake and acknowledge what I've done, if it's because I'm actually tired, or if it's coming down off a sugar rush that drains me.
I'm not exercising this morning as I usually do because I feel too crappy (Please don't misconstrue my desire to exercise this morning as a desire to purge my body of last night. Exercising is something I enjoy as it makes me feel good about myself. I feel so strong and empowered when I'm running or kicking butt in a cardio class). So because I ate too much last night, I am not going to start my day off with this feeling of empowerment and enjoyment, like I start most days because my stomach feels so bad. The more I think about it, this is an addiction. It is a fucked up addiction because it makes you eat so much and it tells people that you are disgusting for doing so.
*N
Sunday, January 18, 2009
*N and the Binge
Hello and thanks for visiting my page.
I have created this as a means to reach out to others who might find themselves in my situation. What is my situation? It's not quite an eating disorder, but what is more commonly becoming known as disordered eating. The best way I can define this is as having irregular and unhealthy eating patterns, and for me means binging. Binging commonly goes hand-in-hand with purging, or bulimia, however inducing vomitting is not something that comes easily to me - not for a lack of trying of course (I know that is wrong). Bulimia is a serious disease for many people and it is not something I want for myself, but I find myself, once I have binged standing over the toilet with my finger down my throat. I often do this until my throat is sore from trying, but have not once been able to physically throw up, which could possibly be some sort of divine intervention - not being able to throw up. On several occasions I find myself crying and punching my stomach, not necessarily as punishment, but just trying to get the food out because it feels so bad inside me.
A typical binge for me begins with finding myself alone in my house - a time when I can binge in peace without someone to judgingly watch. It often starts with allowing myself to have something small, but then realizing that allowing this was just a tease and that I need more, so I take more. Followed by 30 or 40 minutes of losing control and eating anything in site (for me it is usually chocolate, desert type foods and even spoonfuls of peanut butter), followed by a realization of what happened, and then resentment/guilt/self hatred and finally sadness. I often end these binges crying into my pillow for having allowed this to happen, knowing that it was wrong from the beginning.
Many people do not understand that food is an addiction, and for many, happens to be the drug of choice. In the past I have found myself wishing for an alcohol or drug addiction because at least people around me would understand that. I know, it is an aweful thing to wish and is something that kills many people each year, but people understand these more so than a food addiction. When you can't stop eating people just think of you as disgusting or "just stop eating", as if you are an idiot and had never thought of that before.
My purpose in setting up this page is to connect with others out there who are experiencing this type of food addiction, and want to stop, but are unable to through their own lack of self control. It is my hope that we can support each other and offer advice and encouragement.
A little bit about me:
I am a 25 year old female who has never by any means been overweight or had an eating disorder. I had always prided myself on not falling into fad diets and not being one of those girls who obsess over food - one that a guy would have a good time with at a restaurant because I would order real food rather than rabbit food. Over the summer I started following a popular diet program and took me from 156lbs., to 137lbs over the course of about 6 months. Over these months I began to become obsessed with food, my life would revolve around menus, calories, fat, etc., and I stopped enjoying food. It became more of a comfort for loneliness, sadness or whatever negative emotion I might be feeling. Since the holidays, I have jumped up to 144lbs but want to catch this while it's early since an underactive thyroid is working against me and given my destructive eating habits I will likely surpass my original weight. The only thing I have working with me in helping fight this is that I exercise on a daily basis.
Over the last two months I have sought professional help for this emotional eating and know the theory behind healthy eating but am having a hard time practicing it. Over this period, I have also read a helpful book which has allowed me to identify means for fighting disordered eating. Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer has been a big support for me, and while I do not suffer from anorexia or bulimia, the controlling mind of one suffering from unhealthy food relationships is a common trait shared among many women suffering from disordered eating, or an eating disorder.
I have taken some of her suggestions, which I will post in the coming days. My hope with this blog is to be able to provide support to those out there who are suffering from this problem, as there are many resources for anorexia and bulimia, but not disordered eating, although everyone is welcome to share their thoughts and help each other. Through developing virtual realtionships, I hope to find a reason to be accountable for my actions and that we can empower each other to fight this together.
I just want to feel healthy and normal again and no longer go to bed feeling sick from overeating, to stop hating myself for doing this to myself, and to be happy again. Please feel free to leave your comments, I look forward to hearing from you.
*N
I have created this as a means to reach out to others who might find themselves in my situation. What is my situation? It's not quite an eating disorder, but what is more commonly becoming known as disordered eating. The best way I can define this is as having irregular and unhealthy eating patterns, and for me means binging. Binging commonly goes hand-in-hand with purging, or bulimia, however inducing vomitting is not something that comes easily to me - not for a lack of trying of course (I know that is wrong). Bulimia is a serious disease for many people and it is not something I want for myself, but I find myself, once I have binged standing over the toilet with my finger down my throat. I often do this until my throat is sore from trying, but have not once been able to physically throw up, which could possibly be some sort of divine intervention - not being able to throw up. On several occasions I find myself crying and punching my stomach, not necessarily as punishment, but just trying to get the food out because it feels so bad inside me.
A typical binge for me begins with finding myself alone in my house - a time when I can binge in peace without someone to judgingly watch. It often starts with allowing myself to have something small, but then realizing that allowing this was just a tease and that I need more, so I take more. Followed by 30 or 40 minutes of losing control and eating anything in site (for me it is usually chocolate, desert type foods and even spoonfuls of peanut butter), followed by a realization of what happened, and then resentment/guilt/self hatred and finally sadness. I often end these binges crying into my pillow for having allowed this to happen, knowing that it was wrong from the beginning.
Many people do not understand that food is an addiction, and for many, happens to be the drug of choice. In the past I have found myself wishing for an alcohol or drug addiction because at least people around me would understand that. I know, it is an aweful thing to wish and is something that kills many people each year, but people understand these more so than a food addiction. When you can't stop eating people just think of you as disgusting or "just stop eating", as if you are an idiot and had never thought of that before.
My purpose in setting up this page is to connect with others out there who are experiencing this type of food addiction, and want to stop, but are unable to through their own lack of self control. It is my hope that we can support each other and offer advice and encouragement.
A little bit about me:
I am a 25 year old female who has never by any means been overweight or had an eating disorder. I had always prided myself on not falling into fad diets and not being one of those girls who obsess over food - one that a guy would have a good time with at a restaurant because I would order real food rather than rabbit food. Over the summer I started following a popular diet program and took me from 156lbs., to 137lbs over the course of about 6 months. Over these months I began to become obsessed with food, my life would revolve around menus, calories, fat, etc., and I stopped enjoying food. It became more of a comfort for loneliness, sadness or whatever negative emotion I might be feeling. Since the holidays, I have jumped up to 144lbs but want to catch this while it's early since an underactive thyroid is working against me and given my destructive eating habits I will likely surpass my original weight. The only thing I have working with me in helping fight this is that I exercise on a daily basis.
Over the last two months I have sought professional help for this emotional eating and know the theory behind healthy eating but am having a hard time practicing it. Over this period, I have also read a helpful book which has allowed me to identify means for fighting disordered eating. Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer has been a big support for me, and while I do not suffer from anorexia or bulimia, the controlling mind of one suffering from unhealthy food relationships is a common trait shared among many women suffering from disordered eating, or an eating disorder.
I have taken some of her suggestions, which I will post in the coming days. My hope with this blog is to be able to provide support to those out there who are suffering from this problem, as there are many resources for anorexia and bulimia, but not disordered eating, although everyone is welcome to share their thoughts and help each other. Through developing virtual realtionships, I hope to find a reason to be accountable for my actions and that we can empower each other to fight this together.
I just want to feel healthy and normal again and no longer go to bed feeling sick from overeating, to stop hating myself for doing this to myself, and to be happy again. Please feel free to leave your comments, I look forward to hearing from you.
*N
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