Here I go again, I hope I'm not premature but I think I've survived another day. I managed to bring my food to school with me, but I found myself in the cafeteria this afternoon just looking around (BAD habit) and I realized I wanted something chocolatey to satisfy my sweet tooth. Now I hadn't budgeted for this and I left empty handed, but then when I went to sit down I thought "this is deprivation", so I made a deal with myself that I could have half a chocolate danish that I have had my eye on all year from Tim Hortons in lieu of the popcorn I was saving for later and dipping into 3 of my weekly points. I was conflicted over whether to buy it because I am not a big fan of TH anymore since they have gone to frozen goods and they always looked so dried out but it looked so inviting. So I bought the chocolate danish, picked up a plastic knife and cut it in half, and get this, put the other half back in the bag, for consumption at another time! And I didn't feel guilty OR deprived. I felt satisfied. Wow! What a feeling. So I feel like this was a big step for me today because I could have easily eaten it all in one setting *pat on the back*
Other than that, I had a really good day. I should probably have been feeling more stress due to 2 urgent deadlines on Thursday but I guess crunch time will be tomorrow. So I do not have a reason to binge today. I am feeling good about tomorrow too.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Getting Back on Track
Alright, I think day 1 back on the bandwagon was ok. I managed to put in some time on the treadmill this morning (albeit wasn't easy), followed by a decent breakfast, then lunch and healthy snacks throughout the day. I even had a small supper and didn't pump myself full of juice as I had planned this morning (would have set myself up for failure). In spite of the hard night I had last night, I do feel like my head is clear right now, and I think it was just an unfortunate setback, but nothing I can't handle. It's funny how when I've fallen in the past I never felt like I could just pick myself back up again, but I feel like I am back on track now. I won't be consuming more than my daily points today as I had previously been trying to allow myself to do, I guess as punishment for last night (this is wrong). But I am heading home with a few points to spend and will go for a fruit smoothie, this is what I need to get me through the long night of school work that lay ahead of me. I do not need to binge. The pain I felt this morning is not worth the sweet taste of any treat (even peanut butter - which I could be done with. I've had PB burps all day and I feel like this could have created a negative association with this, or I'm hoping it has anyways. Sorry to be gross).
*N
*N
What's Worse
How far I've fallen... I'm sitting here 7.5 hour. I still feel bad.s later from my last food intake feeling like shit. I don't know what feels worse though: the gut rot or knowing I've disappointed everyone, disappointed myself :(
Everyone was telling me how proud they were of me. My mom think I've worked out of my funk, I thought I had too. But here I sit, back to where I was two weeks ago. My stomach swollen from the food. I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up to a sore stomach, reminded of what I had done. I should have at least taken something to help me sleep.
I woke up and cried in my bed for about 20 minutes or so before getting up. But just like eating, it didn't help me feel better, I still feel bad, although crying isn't as self destructive as eating I guess.
Why did I do this? Binging did not help me accomplish anything, if anything it's held me back. It's nearly 10am and I've not worked out yet because I still feel shitty and gross. Where if I didn't do this I would likely be done by now. This is going to mess up my day, not to mention mentally, this is all I'm going to think about today. This is what I have to remember though the next time I am tempted, these awful feelings.
I made it a solid 13 days last time. I am going to take it one day at a time and work my way up to 14 days. It likely won't be easy with my dad's birthday coming up this weekend (i.e. boiled incing cake) but I have to make it through. I thought I had worked through a lot of these restrictions but I have a feeling I am going to be "detoxing" today, as in grapefruit and other juices I guess.
This sucks :( But binging will not take these feelings away. This morning I am not going to binge on food. BINGING WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. Sigh
*N
Everyone was telling me how proud they were of me. My mom think I've worked out of my funk, I thought I had too. But here I sit, back to where I was two weeks ago. My stomach swollen from the food. I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up to a sore stomach, reminded of what I had done. I should have at least taken something to help me sleep.
I woke up and cried in my bed for about 20 minutes or so before getting up. But just like eating, it didn't help me feel better, I still feel bad, although crying isn't as self destructive as eating I guess.
Why did I do this? Binging did not help me accomplish anything, if anything it's held me back. It's nearly 10am and I've not worked out yet because I still feel shitty and gross. Where if I didn't do this I would likely be done by now. This is going to mess up my day, not to mention mentally, this is all I'm going to think about today. This is what I have to remember though the next time I am tempted, these awful feelings.
I made it a solid 13 days last time. I am going to take it one day at a time and work my way up to 14 days. It likely won't be easy with my dad's birthday coming up this weekend (i.e. boiled incing cake) but I have to make it through. I thought I had worked through a lot of these restrictions but I have a feeling I am going to be "detoxing" today, as in grapefruit and other juices I guess.
This sucks :( But binging will not take these feelings away. This morning I am not going to binge on food. BINGING WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. Sigh
*N
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Update
It is 1:25 am and I am still eating peanut butter. IT'S BUTTERED PEANUTS! DAMMIT! My heart is racing from the sugar and I feel like ass. I need help. How far I've fallen :(
Sigh
It was a good run while it lasted, but here I sit, tomorrow is Day 1 :(
I guess, looking back the Timbits were the beginning of the binge - I was kidding myself to think otherwise. After eating them I listened to my body, and I wasn't hungry, so didn't eat supper, not out of punishment, but because I didn't feel hungry.
When I got home from school around 9pm I wanted to go to bed, but felt I had more school work to do. So I had a small piece of treatzza pizza and a small piece of carrot cake. It really was a small amount, so there was no guilt. But then a little while ago my mouth started salivating. I needed more carrot cake. Since the cake didn't have much icing on it, I grabbed the can from the fridge to put a little bit more on, one spoonful, right? NO! Several spoonfuls later and it was on. Found forbidden peanut butter and then had more treatzza pizza. Sigh.
So as I sit here now and my stomach is sore, he is laughing at me, he has beaten my cockiness, my arrogance, my pride :( But this whole episode only lasted about 20 minutes or so - relatively shorter than what I'm used to. And I know I can do this, so tomorrow is back at Day 1, and I am sure I can do this. I'm just disappointed with myself.
So why did I do this? The Timbits honestly just started with one, three, three more, 14. It was all so innocent at the time. I was working on school work but not feeling overly stressed or anything. Perhaps I HAD been restricting? I had such a rigid food schedule today, perhaps that didn't fly with my body? I legitimately allowed myself to have the first round of cake, I was fine with that. But the second round? I was feeling bored more so than anything, but this was not a reason to binge. Not feeling stressed, lonely or anything. I guess bored would be the best way to describe it, perhaps I don't know how to "not binge"? I got lonely without binging? Hmm... Update, I just paused writing this to get more peanut butter and almonds. Sigh. What's wrong with me? I know this is wrong but I can't stop, even while I write this! Why do I keep sabotaging myself?
But on the plus side, I MAY be moving out in September which I am pretty excited about. If for only one reason, so I don't have to be in this house of temptations. I love my parents and everything but it is hard to live here for someone like me. And I know ~M~ says it's not them, I have to learn to be around this and trust myself but they don't make it easy! I just feel if I can be in my own controlled environment I will have a better chance at this. Oh my. Here comes the sugar crash, the stomach ache, the jitters. DAMMIT! ;(
Better days ahead tomorrow.
Sincerely,
the saddest girl on the internet
I guess, looking back the Timbits were the beginning of the binge - I was kidding myself to think otherwise. After eating them I listened to my body, and I wasn't hungry, so didn't eat supper, not out of punishment, but because I didn't feel hungry.
When I got home from school around 9pm I wanted to go to bed, but felt I had more school work to do. So I had a small piece of treatzza pizza and a small piece of carrot cake. It really was a small amount, so there was no guilt. But then a little while ago my mouth started salivating. I needed more carrot cake. Since the cake didn't have much icing on it, I grabbed the can from the fridge to put a little bit more on, one spoonful, right? NO! Several spoonfuls later and it was on. Found forbidden peanut butter and then had more treatzza pizza. Sigh.
So as I sit here now and my stomach is sore, he is laughing at me, he has beaten my cockiness, my arrogance, my pride :( But this whole episode only lasted about 20 minutes or so - relatively shorter than what I'm used to. And I know I can do this, so tomorrow is back at Day 1, and I am sure I can do this. I'm just disappointed with myself.
So why did I do this? The Timbits honestly just started with one, three, three more, 14. It was all so innocent at the time. I was working on school work but not feeling overly stressed or anything. Perhaps I HAD been restricting? I had such a rigid food schedule today, perhaps that didn't fly with my body? I legitimately allowed myself to have the first round of cake, I was fine with that. But the second round? I was feeling bored more so than anything, but this was not a reason to binge. Not feeling stressed, lonely or anything. I guess bored would be the best way to describe it, perhaps I don't know how to "not binge"? I got lonely without binging? Hmm... Update, I just paused writing this to get more peanut butter and almonds. Sigh. What's wrong with me? I know this is wrong but I can't stop, even while I write this! Why do I keep sabotaging myself?
But on the plus side, I MAY be moving out in September which I am pretty excited about. If for only one reason, so I don't have to be in this house of temptations. I love my parents and everything but it is hard to live here for someone like me. And I know ~M~ says it's not them, I have to learn to be around this and trust myself but they don't make it easy! I just feel if I can be in my own controlled environment I will have a better chance at this. Oh my. Here comes the sugar crash, the stomach ache, the jitters. DAMMIT! ;(
Better days ahead tomorrow.
Sincerely,
the saddest girl on the internet
End of the Weekend
Hello
I have for the most part made it through the weekend. Friday night I went for dinner to this new Greek place in the city. I was nervous going because I couldn't find the nutritional value on their website, which often keeps me from going to restaurants when I can't calculate points. But I went, after some back and forth of going and not going, but it turned out to be ok (I had lethal garlic breath for the weekend but I survived).
Yesterday was a success because I had a part for this volunteer group I work with and despite the temptations (cake, donuts, muffins, chips, sweets etc), I SURVIVED! And I even had a small piece of cake! With no guilt! Just a little piece, and I lived to tell about it, who knew?!? And I didn't feel like I was depriving myself either. Wow, what a feeling.
Having accumulated "points" throughout the week, I was in the mood for ice cream last night, so dammit, I got ice cream, went for the treatzza pizza again, it was so yummy (no guilt!).
Then today was pretty good, had another hot breakfast (two days in a row!) and ate relatively good throughout the day. I fell a bit this afternoon at school when the cafeteria closed early and put out free Timbits next to where I was sitting. I ate ALOT of them (14!), but in spite of this, I don't feel like it was a binge, I overate, I felt like I gave myself permission. I don't feel great about this but it could have been worse, I just won't have leftover treatzza pizza tonight. I am not going to punish myself without supper because that's what he wants me to do. So today I overate, I did not binge.
But today is day 14 for me! And I feel great! I thought I might reward myself with weighing myself today, but I think I will reward myself by NOT weighing myself. ~M~ said it good when I saw her the other day when she said "why let a scale dictate your self worth when you feel good?" If I am feeling good, why risk feeling bad for the sake of some metal and numbers? Perhaps I will weigh myself eventually, but not today and hopefully not tomorrow. This has even been my 14th day NOT on a scale, two things to celebrate I guess. 14 days, two weeks, wow. Maybe I can go 21 days (3 weeks!) But don't want to get ahead of myself (he thrives on cockiness). So one day at a time. I have had a good day, a good week. I feel great about myself and don't want to jeopardize it with a binge. I do not need to binge.
JJ, you aren't doing good? How was your weekend? What about Simply for Life?
April, can I see your blog? I would love to see what you're saying! I could post a link on my site if you wanted.
I have for the most part made it through the weekend. Friday night I went for dinner to this new Greek place in the city. I was nervous going because I couldn't find the nutritional value on their website, which often keeps me from going to restaurants when I can't calculate points. But I went, after some back and forth of going and not going, but it turned out to be ok (I had lethal garlic breath for the weekend but I survived).
Yesterday was a success because I had a part for this volunteer group I work with and despite the temptations (cake, donuts, muffins, chips, sweets etc), I SURVIVED! And I even had a small piece of cake! With no guilt! Just a little piece, and I lived to tell about it, who knew?!? And I didn't feel like I was depriving myself either. Wow, what a feeling.
Having accumulated "points" throughout the week, I was in the mood for ice cream last night, so dammit, I got ice cream, went for the treatzza pizza again, it was so yummy (no guilt!).
Then today was pretty good, had another hot breakfast (two days in a row!) and ate relatively good throughout the day. I fell a bit this afternoon at school when the cafeteria closed early and put out free Timbits next to where I was sitting. I ate ALOT of them (14!), but in spite of this, I don't feel like it was a binge, I overate, I felt like I gave myself permission. I don't feel great about this but it could have been worse, I just won't have leftover treatzza pizza tonight. I am not going to punish myself without supper because that's what he wants me to do. So today I overate, I did not binge.
But today is day 14 for me! And I feel great! I thought I might reward myself with weighing myself today, but I think I will reward myself by NOT weighing myself. ~M~ said it good when I saw her the other day when she said "why let a scale dictate your self worth when you feel good?" If I am feeling good, why risk feeling bad for the sake of some metal and numbers? Perhaps I will weigh myself eventually, but not today and hopefully not tomorrow. This has even been my 14th day NOT on a scale, two things to celebrate I guess. 14 days, two weeks, wow. Maybe I can go 21 days (3 weeks!) But don't want to get ahead of myself (he thrives on cockiness). So one day at a time. I have had a good day, a good week. I feel great about myself and don't want to jeopardize it with a binge. I do not need to binge.
JJ, you aren't doing good? How was your weekend? What about Simply for Life?
April, can I see your blog? I would love to see what you're saying! I could post a link on my site if you wanted.
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