Journalling and Normalcy

So I met with ~M~ today, it was a very productive session. I feel so empowered. About 25 minutes into our session I was updating her on the last 2 weeks and all my highs and lows regarding my eating, and she said that she was hearing a lot about the food and not enough about how I was feeling when I was binging or overeating. She tells me all the time that it isn't about the food, and I know that. So we talked a little bit about my feelings and she made a suggestion to me, that since mentally identifying them is not working for me, for me to take 10 minutes when I get home from school/work and journal so I can visually see how I am feeling and visually identify what could trigger me to binge/overeat.

We've already identified that I do this at home when I am alone. I am not one to go to McDonald's and order a bunch of Big Macs to consume and feel guilty about (finally, being a poor student is helping me!), it is when I am home, usually in the evenings that I do this. Her theory is that if I can identify my feelings and visually look at them on paper I will know when I am feeling vulnerable to binging, which will hopefully prevent me from doing so. So I am going to give that a try for two weeks (when I see her next).

Another thing I mentioned during my session was how I commented to my mother last week about how I don't know how to eat like a normal person. How do "normal" people eat food without obsessively calculating point first or stopping eating when they are actually full? I will be honest, I am not usually a fan of the word normal when it comes to a lot of things because we all have our own variations of what we celebrate and recognize as normal. But for once, I would like to know how to eat like a normal person and not worry about tracking points, overeating or eating as a coping mechanism to feeling lonely/sad/isolated/etc.

In terms of this being a coping mechanism, she stressed that this is an addiction, and for me it happens to be food. For many people it is alcohol, drugs, smoking, gambling or whatever it happens to be. And I can't hear enough people say that they recognize binging or eating is an addiction because I truly believe that it is, but I don't feel that enough people do because food is supposed to be good for you, unlike drugs or alcohol. But I've sidetracked slightly. What I was getting at was that I want to feel normal (whatever that is), and she had just the thing for me, which I will include below. This was taken from How to Get Your Kid to Eat... But Not Too Much by Ellyn Satter:

Normal Eating

Normal eating is being able to eat when you are hungry and continue eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it... not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to use some moderate constraint on your food selection, to get the right food, but NOT being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat out sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

I think this article has a lot of good insight into what's "normal" and indicates that normal will be different for everyone, but also that everyone slips up now and then, and that normal is not restricting and can be enjoying food. I am going to make my best effort to understand this over the next two weeks and hopefully live by it in my attempts to become normal. Maybe this can be my tool for fighting ED. This and my journalling. I am getting ready for a fight but my weapons will be this article and writing down my feelings when I come home, and his will be sugar, peanut butter and chocolate. I know with this ammunition and your support, I can be stronger than him. And so can you. I hope some of you will consider some of what I said and even join me in this. I know this isn't easy but we are stronger than him, I know we are.

xo

*N

Dear Ed, You Are Strong, I Am Weak. Asshole...

I feel like shit. Surprise, surprise, I ate too much.

Yesterday was a good day, you might even say a great day. I ate pretty good, and even allowed myself to have a small treat yesterday evening so I wouldn't go to bed hungry. I woke up in relatively good spirits, which turned out to be short lived when I went to the gym. I thought I should weigh myself since I hadn't officially done that since before Christmas (I couldn't have gained that much weight, right?). Wrong. If I thought I was feeling bad before about this whole disordered eating, then this was about to make it worse. Over the last few months I have noticed my clothes were staring to fell a little tighter, but what could I do about it? Anyway, I weighed myself and to my dismay, have gained 12lbs since December 18. WTF?!?!?!?! I can't believe it, I was so disappointed to see that. I remember joking at the time, because it was right around the time of my 25th birthday, that I should get glamour shots or something showing off my body (since I had lost 20lbs since the summertime when I started officially on Weight Watchers) and thought I may never look this good again. Good foreshadowing on my part, I should have known not to be cocky about my success because here I am 3 months later, 12 lbs heavier with cute little clothes that don't fit. So needless to say this set the tone for my day.

I did a pretty intense workout at the gym, ate moderately at school today, came home and ran on the treadmill, and then got ready for this family party I wasn't sure if I would attend last week because I anticipated temptations. But I ended up going, and I even tried to take proactive steps to fight him. For example, before I left my house, I ate cereal and toast so I wouldn't be ravishingly hungry by the time I got there. But he laughed at my attempts and once I got there, he was in control.

Dinner started out pretty harmless. I started out with lots of fruit and veggies and even had a sandwich, of which I stripped of any cheese and other condiments. Then it started with a few potato chips, which led to a lot of potato chips, cashews (mmm....), dips, hummus, everything in sight. Then it was time for desert. How I managed to get a fifth of the 8" cake I still don't know (someone else cut it, I swear!), but rather than share it with someone, I ate it all. It was my kind of thing too, this chocolaty/caramel/fudge conglomerate of goodness. After this I polished off two small slivers of sheet cake, under the disappointing glare of my father (this was embarrassing because I know he was screaming at me in his mind for me to stop). I think you might consider my eating tonight somewhat of a public binge because I just had to have something in my mouth at all times, it was so bad, but it felt so good at the time. So this was game on and I was fantasizing about what I would have when I got home since my parents weren't supposed to be coming right home, but it turned out they did. I managed to get away with eating Cool Whip out of the container, a granola bar, pudding mixed with peanut butter (what?) and some ice cream. And I want more but I am getting pretty tired so luckily tiredness wins tonight (well, not really a win now that I reread that...).

So tomorrow I'm back at day 1. He got a good laugh over my attempts to be stronger than him, he's still leaning over my shoulder laughing at me. This is getting so discouraging, I feel like I just keep writing the same things over and over - I do good and I'm happy, I do bad and I'm sad... I am glad to be meeting with my counsellor tomorrow. For the sake of this blog I will call her ~M~. I really feel like I need to chat, I don't know how long I can keep this up, it is both mentally and physically exhausting. On top of all this, I hate myself for having gained this weight in a short amount of time, it seems like it took a lot longer to come off. I know my thyroid has something to do with it - having an under active thyroid slows you metabolism but it doesn't make me binge, which is what I need to learn to control and I know once I can control what I put in my mouth, everything else will fall into place.

Anyways, wish me luck tomorrow. I hope you are all doing better than me.

xo

Catching Up

Hi Girls. Again I apologize for slacking. I have less than a month left of school, so once it is over I promise to be more diligent about writing! I will do my best to catch up.

Friday was a relatively good day. I managed to say no to the leftover birthday cake in the fridge at my office (not an easy feat by the way), and I was quite pleased with myself too because that cream cheese icing looked incredible. But I made it through 6 long hours without eating it. I ended up cancelling my dinner plans due to bad weather in Halifax, I have an old vehicle with all season tires, but it was OK that dinner was cancelled because I wasn't depressed over it or anything, I ended up having a nice dinner in with my family. So Friday was a success.

Then Saturday was an OK day too. I had a lot of left over "bonus points" from my diet plan so I had a lot to eat but didn't feel guilty about it because I hadn't technically binged on anything. I was slightly disappointed with that Mars Caramel bar, not as good as I had hoped. I would almost consider eating it a waste of a treat but that's neither here nor there. We had company for dinner in the evening, which again was good. I ate moderately and even had some desert which I had budgeted for. Another successful day. One more to go to finish out the week.

Then Sunday came and while it wasn't a bad day, I wouldn't necessarily consider it having been a good day. I had the munchies all day and I was doing my best to stay within my allowed points but by the end of the day, I had over eaten by quite a bit. But I wouldn't say I binged, I did definitely over eat though, so I don't know how to classify Sunday as...

Overall it wasn't a bad weekend, given this is my danger time and where my week generally spikes. How did you all make out?

xo

*N

Catching Up

Growing Stronger

Today was a good day, an odd day... I ate good throughout the day, had a good meal for supper with a few treats after dinner (not binging or overeating though since they were within my daily points), but I didn't know if I was going to make it. I had been at my bf's place for dinner and after supper I found myself thinking about eating, and how I had to go get gas and water before I went home. This was to be done at the Irving gas station. If you aren't familiar with Irving, they have an amazing bakery section, which I thought about for at least an hour prior to going to the gas station. It is my kind of food too, lots of chocolatey, cakey dreams. And this is where I question whether this is a sugar addiction because I during this hour, I was feeling like a smoker might feel when they crave a cigarette, I had to have something.

So I went over, pumped my gas, headed inside, straight to the bakery section where I spent probably 4-5 minutes just looking, picking up different squares/treats which I might have. And I was salivating at this point. But perhaps I was able to overpower Ed or I just lost interest, but I wasn't convinced that these things were fresh, therefore do I really want to do this on something that won't be worth it? Maybe I was looking for an excuse not to get something, but I left with just my water and my gas. Now that I'm writing this, I'm reliving the feeling I felt about needing to have something, but I'm writing from bed, too tired to indulge in anything, so I will call this a success, although I want something right now, but my tiredness is saving me.

I am worried about going out for dinner tomorrow night with friends, hopefully I can make it through dinner without stressing over restricting myself and eating a dry salad, and mad at them for eating "real food".

So this was my 3rd day. Here's to day 4, going into the weekend.

Have a good one!

xo

*N

Another Day

The day isn't over yet (still have one more hour before bed, a lot can happen in 60 minutes, so I don't want to get cocky yet), but I feel I can safely say that I have gone two full days without binging. But it's all I thought about today. The weird thing is I still feel like I want to binge, to eat, to feel good. I am feeling pretty tired today but was happy to see some encouraging words posted this morning, thanks girls! Today was better than yesterday, hopefully tomorrow will be better than today, one day at a time...

I don't have too much to talk about today. I got in a slight argument with my mother about not going to a family party next week. Not because I don't want to, because I do, but my aunt is an amazing cook and I'm not sure if he is going to let me go to a dinner party (and gasp, on a Tuesday night! I usually restrict Monday-Thursday), and I'm afraid of overeating. My weight is up and I'm depressed. But maybe if I have a good weekend (i.e. no binging/overeating) he will let me go.

I hope you all had a good day today.

xo

I'm Exhausted

What a long day. I spent most of the day mentally fighting him. I ate this many points, I had this many points left, supper was going to be this many points, wanting to binge, etc.

This was such a weird day. All day I wanted to binge on food - *N actually wanted to binge. Usually when I binge, I never want to and always think to myself to stop, but I can't. This was different, I just wanted to eat food. I feel so depressed today. Depressed and tired. But on the plus side I received thyroid medication from my doctor, which I started today, so I am hoping this will help with bringing up my mood.

I got home from school, already stressed after barely passing a midterm and mentally arguing with him all day. By the time I got home, I was feeling emotionally drained, hungry and stressed out. I became further upset when I got home and saw that my mother had cooked a pot of her clam chowder, something I love. But I wasn't allowed to have it after having binged the last three days, which stressed me out further. I was thisclose to tears (and really, over what?). So rather than enjoy the chowder with my family, as I would have enjoyed, I ate fat-free hot dogs and steamed veggies in front of the TV, but really, what kind of demented excuse for a meal is that anyway? A penance meal, I guess. It's interesting that despite my desire to binge and eat, I couldn't let myself eat the chowder.

So as hard as today was, I can officially say that I did not binge. According to my definition, I did overeat today, but only by 3 WW points (not the end of the world). I feel like I am down in a funk and I don't know if I even want to be "binge-sober". I am not confident I can not binge tomorrow, because I don't know if abstaining from binging is what I want right now, but I can just take it one moment at a time.

Anyway, I'm off to bed for some much needed sleep.

xo *N