My apologies again for taking so long to write, I am getting pretty overwhelmed with school right now, and I am not feeling like myself lately. But here is a recap of the last few days.
Thursday night I was feeling weak, he had come for me. But I have been feeling so good lately. I found myself with the peanut butter jar in hand, and don't know how, but was able to snap out of the "zone" and put it back, without having binged. It wasn't easy. I had been watching TV with my mom and during a commercial break found myself with the jar in hand. I had to go to bed at that point because I knew it would be the beginning of the end. It sucks that he controlled me to the fact that he ruined my evening with my mom, but I was glad I was able to separate myself from him and say no.
As I identified two weeks ago with my counsellor, my vulnerable times are my rejection/abandonment periods, and I had lots of that on the weekend. I had started out earlier in last week worried about going out on Friday night with some co-workers and how I might end the night by binging or even overeating with them, having taken in too many drinks. Well, I didn't have to worry about that because the evening was cancelled by Friday morning. And I was feeling pretty down about it when I went home Friday night - I had made alternate plans to just watch TV and feel sorry for myself, but ended up going out for a little while with some other friends (pretty casual, home by 11pm). I hadn't felt too down about it though, because I had plans to go out with my brother the following night, so I thought. So I was able to resist temptation, Friday night, but it wasn't easy.
Then, it was Saturday night. And my brother cancelled on me last minute (again), to go out with some other friends. Not cool, but whatever, I'm just his sister, don't really matter anyway. So I drowned my sorrow in a DQ Treatzza Pizza. I won't say that I binged though, or even overate because where I follow the Weight Watchers plan, I hadn't really eaten anything all week, and had been saving up points for the weekend anyways, so enjoyed eating nearly half of the TP (I know the lines are blurry over whether or not this was in fact binging or overeating. My dad, having caught me eating so much of it, thought I was doing something wrong but given I had stuck to the diet plan all week, I don't consider this bad behaviour).
But then Sunday night came, and this is where the lines definitely blur. Having been dealing with my family emergency all week, my mother has been doing lots of baking, despite my best efforts to encourage her not to. And Sunday she made a carrot cake. I was on my way out the door with the intent to take over the other half of the TP to my bf's house where we would finish it and it would be out of my temptation site, but sure enough, my brother had nearly polished off the rest of it, having come home the night before drunk at 4am. And that's where I lost it. Since I couldn't have the cake I budgeted for since it was near gone, I had carrot cake. I don't even know how much because I just sat there in a cloudy haze eating sliver after sliver until I heard someone walking into the kitchen where I put it away and realized what I had done - what he had done to me. I had binged on the cake. After two weeks - 14 days of "sobriety", I had fallen. But not as hard as I had fallen in the past. It stopped with the cake, where it could have turned into a free for all. So I was able to exercise some self-control, he had gotten the best of me.
So it was a bittersweet fall for me. On one hand, it was only carrot cake in two weeks of beating him (I went two LONG weeks without binging or overeating), but on the other hand, I had fallen after two weeks for carrot cake (which I don't even really like, to be honest).
So once again, I've RESET as of yesterday. I'm back on the diet plan, consuming the bare minimum of WW points per day. As I sit here writing this, I'm actually very hungry, but I'm being punished for my bad behaviour on Sunday and cannot go over my daily minimum points. So while Ed's binge/overeating controls are getting easier to fight, I'm still battling his restrictive controls which are just as hard.
I'm meeting with my counsellor tomorrow, again, is greatly needed. I've got a lot to talk about. I hope you all are doing well. I will try to post after my session tomorrow.
xo *N
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
10 Days and Counting
I can't believe I've made it this long without binging. I feel like something has changed in me, whether it was my last counselling session, telling my parents, I really don't know, but I feel like I'm out of the funky haze that was keeping me down and letting him into my life (ironic given the negative things in my life right now - see below).
I have a close relative in the hospital right now, and it is honestly not looking good at this point. I have spent a lot of time in the hospital over the last few days and have found myself at the mercy of convenience food. But rather than nourish my body with food, I have not been able to eat in these circumstances, which is likely setting me up for a big fall. Wrong, I know, and this is another one of his controls that he has over me. But I feel at this point it is more important not to binge rather than to fight his restrictions, so I will take it as it comes and deal with one thing at a time.
I believe I may have mentioned earlier about having an under active thyroid, which is making me susceptible to weight gain (not a good thing under the best of circumstances, but for one with a distorted relationship with food to begin with makes it very hard). I have been going in for medical tests over the last few weeks and have never had so much blood taken in my life, I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion. My test results are coming back with confusing results to my doctor, so she is hesitant to put me on any meds (which will assist in regulating my appetite and metabolism, among other things if I ever get them). So in addition to everything, I am trying to work through this right now.
I think it is weird under these circumstances that I haven't felt the need to binge, because it is something so comforting, so familiar to me. Maybe it is stressing me out and taking away the urge. Whatever it is, I am glad for it.
I have a big night out on the town tomorrow night, which I am not looking forward to because I am afraid Ed is planning on coming along or greeting me at the door once I get home from a night of drinking in a depressive state. I am going to do my best to resist him, because I am proud of myself for surviving this long without him. But he knows I will be vulnerable at this time. After reading that, I see how he still does have control - my first thought isn't about going out to have some much needed fun, but that I'm going to eat too much tomorrow, hmmm...
So that is about my life in a nutshell right now. I hope everyone else is doing ok. I haven't heard from anyone in a while, so I hope people out there are doing ok. My thoughts are with you all, as we try and work through this.
xo *N
I have a close relative in the hospital right now, and it is honestly not looking good at this point. I have spent a lot of time in the hospital over the last few days and have found myself at the mercy of convenience food. But rather than nourish my body with food, I have not been able to eat in these circumstances, which is likely setting me up for a big fall. Wrong, I know, and this is another one of his controls that he has over me. But I feel at this point it is more important not to binge rather than to fight his restrictions, so I will take it as it comes and deal with one thing at a time.
I believe I may have mentioned earlier about having an under active thyroid, which is making me susceptible to weight gain (not a good thing under the best of circumstances, but for one with a distorted relationship with food to begin with makes it very hard). I have been going in for medical tests over the last few weeks and have never had so much blood taken in my life, I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion. My test results are coming back with confusing results to my doctor, so she is hesitant to put me on any meds (which will assist in regulating my appetite and metabolism, among other things if I ever get them). So in addition to everything, I am trying to work through this right now.
I think it is weird under these circumstances that I haven't felt the need to binge, because it is something so comforting, so familiar to me. Maybe it is stressing me out and taking away the urge. Whatever it is, I am glad for it.
I have a big night out on the town tomorrow night, which I am not looking forward to because I am afraid Ed is planning on coming along or greeting me at the door once I get home from a night of drinking in a depressive state. I am going to do my best to resist him, because I am proud of myself for surviving this long without him. But he knows I will be vulnerable at this time. After reading that, I see how he still does have control - my first thought isn't about going out to have some much needed fun, but that I'm going to eat too much tomorrow, hmmm...
So that is about my life in a nutshell right now. I hope everyone else is doing ok. I haven't heard from anyone in a while, so I hope people out there are doing ok. My thoughts are with you all, as we try and work through this.
xo *N
Monday, February 16, 2009
RESTART - Week 1
Wow. I officially made it one whole week without binging on food. I would not say I survived the week without overeating though, I do differentiate between the two. The main contrast for me between the two, is whether or not the eating is by myself.
An example of my binging would be discussed in most of my entries: loss of control around food; eating lots of "food" in a set period of time, which I put in quotations because a lot of my binging is on sweet, desert type things - peanut butter, chocolate, deserts, cookie dough, etc; in other words "worth it" foods - never real food.
For me overeating would be maybe eating too much food in the presence of others or eating "real food", for example eating 2 or 3 servings of something rather than 1, or eating a 3 course meal rather than one. This isn't something I do a lot. I don't feel the need to overeat because it doesn't matter to me whether or not I have an extra slice of pizza, what matters is just gorging on peanut butter, cookie dough, muffin/cake batter, deserts, anything sweet. I often overeat at restaurants (buffets in particular, which I try and avoid).
So the reason I differentiate between the two is because I feel as though I overate on the weekend. Being Valentine's Day, my bf and I celebrated over lots of yummy food, and having polished off a bottle of wine, my judgement wasn't great that evening, but I resisted the urge to binge, and trust me, it was there. Specifically last night, having planned out my food for the day and eaten everything, I thought I had an alright week, but then wanted rice cakes around 11pm, and what goes better with rice cakes than peanut butter? So I ate these rice cakes with more peanut butter than I should have, but since it wasn't in my meal plan, I feel as though this was overeating (none of it was in secret, but in the company of my bf), and I had it spread pretty high on those rice cakes. But I am sticking to my feelings - I didn't binge, just overate.
So, like I've said before, it's all about baby steps I guess. While I didn't binge last week, I overate on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe this week I can go without binging and overeating (although I have a drinking night planned for Friday Night with some co-workers, which has me worried). And I wasn't without Ed's Valentine's seductions as I did want to binge at least twice over the week, and he wouldn't let me eat real pizza on Friday, but I survived his strongest temptation, which is to binge. I am feeling pretty good about the week ahead.
I hope you all had a good weekend and managed to survive the Valentine's Temptations, because I know they were everywhere.
xo *N
An example of my binging would be discussed in most of my entries: loss of control around food; eating lots of "food" in a set period of time, which I put in quotations because a lot of my binging is on sweet, desert type things - peanut butter, chocolate, deserts, cookie dough, etc; in other words "worth it" foods - never real food.
For me overeating would be maybe eating too much food in the presence of others or eating "real food", for example eating 2 or 3 servings of something rather than 1, or eating a 3 course meal rather than one. This isn't something I do a lot. I don't feel the need to overeat because it doesn't matter to me whether or not I have an extra slice of pizza, what matters is just gorging on peanut butter, cookie dough, muffin/cake batter, deserts, anything sweet. I often overeat at restaurants (buffets in particular, which I try and avoid).
So the reason I differentiate between the two is because I feel as though I overate on the weekend. Being Valentine's Day, my bf and I celebrated over lots of yummy food, and having polished off a bottle of wine, my judgement wasn't great that evening, but I resisted the urge to binge, and trust me, it was there. Specifically last night, having planned out my food for the day and eaten everything, I thought I had an alright week, but then wanted rice cakes around 11pm, and what goes better with rice cakes than peanut butter? So I ate these rice cakes with more peanut butter than I should have, but since it wasn't in my meal plan, I feel as though this was overeating (none of it was in secret, but in the company of my bf), and I had it spread pretty high on those rice cakes. But I am sticking to my feelings - I didn't binge, just overate.
So, like I've said before, it's all about baby steps I guess. While I didn't binge last week, I overate on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe this week I can go without binging and overeating (although I have a drinking night planned for Friday Night with some co-workers, which has me worried). And I wasn't without Ed's Valentine's seductions as I did want to binge at least twice over the week, and he wouldn't let me eat real pizza on Friday, but I survived his strongest temptation, which is to binge. I am feeling pretty good about the week ahead.
I hope you all had a good weekend and managed to survive the Valentine's Temptations, because I know they were everywhere.
xo *N
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Why Do You Binge?
Since having a seemingly breakthrough session with my counsellor, I think I might be binging out of loneliness. Time will tell if this is the case and through knowing this if I can fight him when he comes to me.
Why do you think you binge? I urge you to think about it, I know it has provided some clarity and power for me to know this. Feel free to post your reasons, I think through doing so, we will see that we aren't so different.
Best of luck to you!
*N
Why do you think you binge? I urge you to think about it, I know it has provided some clarity and power for me to know this. Feel free to post your reasons, I think through doing so, we will see that we aren't so different.
Best of luck to you!
*N
The Pre-Valentine's Battle: *N 1 - Ed 1
So I have gone 5 consecutive days without binging or overeating, and I feel fantastic. But I will say, yesterday was NOT easy. In celebration of Valentine's Day, one of the girls from work brought in lots of Valentine's Day candy, all the good stuff too - lots of chocolate. So one day a week I work as a receptionist and it seems whenever we have treats brought into the office they sit at the front reception desk (my desk), because that is where all the staff hang out on their free time.
In the past I've tried moving treats out of site, but they always get put back. So I sat there yesterday not concentrating on my work, but thinking about eating the chocolate: how many I could have, how many points in each one, etc. It was torturous. But I am happy to say that I survived the day while only consuming 4 chocolates (you may consider this giving into him, but on the "diet" plan I follow, which counts points, I allowed myself to do so). Through allowing myself to have chocolate, I felt that it would help me from binging on them if I could feel satisfied through having a few. However, by the end of the day, I felt so drained from arguing back and forth with him in my head. But I do feel as though I beat him yesterday... sort of.
He won out in the sense that he didn't let me proceed with my plans of ordering pizza for a movie night. Instead since I had eaten the chocolate yesterday (6 points worth), I had to forgo ordering pizza, instead making my own low fat pizza (not a bad dinner, but not the one I was looking forward to eating all week). But I didn't binge, and to me that was more important than not eating the pizza. So it was a point for both of us yesterday. So it is going to be a long weekend - today being Valentine's Day, we are celebrating with two big meals today and tomorrow, but since meeting with my counsellor and now knowing and believing that it isn't about the food for me, I think I can come out of this weekend having spent my time with my boyfriend rather than Ed.
One of these men loves me, the other loves controlling me. One wants me to be happy, the other wants to be happy at my expense. I know which one to choose this weekend, I hope that I will be strong enough to allow myself to be romanced by only one this weekend.
Happy Valentine's Day
xo *N
In the past I've tried moving treats out of site, but they always get put back. So I sat there yesterday not concentrating on my work, but thinking about eating the chocolate: how many I could have, how many points in each one, etc. It was torturous. But I am happy to say that I survived the day while only consuming 4 chocolates (you may consider this giving into him, but on the "diet" plan I follow, which counts points, I allowed myself to do so). Through allowing myself to have chocolate, I felt that it would help me from binging on them if I could feel satisfied through having a few. However, by the end of the day, I felt so drained from arguing back and forth with him in my head. But I do feel as though I beat him yesterday... sort of.
He won out in the sense that he didn't let me proceed with my plans of ordering pizza for a movie night. Instead since I had eaten the chocolate yesterday (6 points worth), I had to forgo ordering pizza, instead making my own low fat pizza (not a bad dinner, but not the one I was looking forward to eating all week). But I didn't binge, and to me that was more important than not eating the pizza. So it was a point for both of us yesterday. So it is going to be a long weekend - today being Valentine's Day, we are celebrating with two big meals today and tomorrow, but since meeting with my counsellor and now knowing and believing that it isn't about the food for me, I think I can come out of this weekend having spent my time with my boyfriend rather than Ed.
One of these men loves me, the other loves controlling me. One wants me to be happy, the other wants to be happy at my expense. I know which one to choose this weekend, I hope that I will be strong enough to allow myself to be romanced by only one this weekend.
Happy Valentine's Day
xo *N
It's Not About Food
My apologies for not writing in a few days, my laptop has been down (for a new computer, I have had more problems with it than I think it' s worth).
So I met with my counsellor on Wednesday, and it was a ground breaking session for me. All along she's been telling me that it's not about the food, and I was hearing her words, but not really understanding them or relating to them. After I spilled my last two weeks, all the ups and the downs, she asked me once again, "Why are you doing this? What are you using food to medicate?", and suggested a few reasons, and hit the nail on the head when she said loneliness. Several times in passing, it had come up every now and then that I had a longing for female companionship - I have an amazing boyfriend who puts up with more shit from me than I would ever put up with from him, I have a great relationship with my parents, and two pretty close friends, one of whom knows about this, the other of whom has a lot of her own problems to deal with, but this is really where any social life ends for me.
Over the last year, I have gone through the process of "divorcing" my high school girlfriends, as we had really just grown apart and realized we weren't 17 any more and didn't have much in common. That had been hard on me, but since that time I have found myself feeling lonely, without some girls in my life to act silly with, go shopping, dancing, do regular girly things with. And it's nothing I had given much thought to in terms of "eating", but when my counsellor asked if I was feeling lonely in my life, I lost it. I mean, we are talking crocodile tears, I felt so inconsolable, sad, embarrassed and lonely.
When I go to these sessions with her, I always get really sad talking about my food problems, but I have never reacted so strongly in my sessions with her as I had when this came up. And the more I thought about it, a lot of times I gave into the binge over the last few months had been times I had felt lonely or rejected by people in my life.
A big one that comes to mind was over the Christmas holidays when I had plans to hang out with my brother for the evening (whom I don't see much since he is away at university through the year), and he broke these plans last minute to hang out with friends he hadn't seen in like a year or so. I had been annoyed at the time and was mad at him, and he didn't seem to care. How did I end up spending the night? Eating, and eating big (Christmas break, lots of food in the house at this time of year). I remember at the time just feeling so disposable, like my feelings didn't matter to him, I was so sad.
Then I can think back to a few weeks ago when some friends cancelled plans for a girls night out on the town, and how did I spend that night? Eating. How did I deal when I was stood up to go out with colleagues a few weeks back? I ate to feel better. Upon reflection, eating is how I feel better about myself. So maybe when people break plans, it is innocent to them, maybe they have busy social lives and cancelling plans with me is so minuscule in their lives, but I do feel hurt when this happens. But why does it happen? This is what I want to know. I feel I am a kind person, I would never talk about someone behind their back, I can be shy at times, I don't understand why I am so disposable to people around me. There has to be something about me... and I said that to my counsellor and she said something to the effect like we attract what we put out to the world, so if I view myself as disposable or not worthy of other people, than others will view me the same way. I wonder if that is true, or maybe there is something wrong with me.
It is definitely some food for thought (no pun intended), but I feel through this last meeting, more than ever, it is not about the food for me. And I feel that since this last meeting with her on Wednesday, I am better equipped to fight him when he comes for me, and yesterday he came (see new post).
*N
So I met with my counsellor on Wednesday, and it was a ground breaking session for me. All along she's been telling me that it's not about the food, and I was hearing her words, but not really understanding them or relating to them. After I spilled my last two weeks, all the ups and the downs, she asked me once again, "Why are you doing this? What are you using food to medicate?", and suggested a few reasons, and hit the nail on the head when she said loneliness. Several times in passing, it had come up every now and then that I had a longing for female companionship - I have an amazing boyfriend who puts up with more shit from me than I would ever put up with from him, I have a great relationship with my parents, and two pretty close friends, one of whom knows about this, the other of whom has a lot of her own problems to deal with, but this is really where any social life ends for me.
Over the last year, I have gone through the process of "divorcing" my high school girlfriends, as we had really just grown apart and realized we weren't 17 any more and didn't have much in common. That had been hard on me, but since that time I have found myself feeling lonely, without some girls in my life to act silly with, go shopping, dancing, do regular girly things with. And it's nothing I had given much thought to in terms of "eating", but when my counsellor asked if I was feeling lonely in my life, I lost it. I mean, we are talking crocodile tears, I felt so inconsolable, sad, embarrassed and lonely.
When I go to these sessions with her, I always get really sad talking about my food problems, but I have never reacted so strongly in my sessions with her as I had when this came up. And the more I thought about it, a lot of times I gave into the binge over the last few months had been times I had felt lonely or rejected by people in my life.
A big one that comes to mind was over the Christmas holidays when I had plans to hang out with my brother for the evening (whom I don't see much since he is away at university through the year), and he broke these plans last minute to hang out with friends he hadn't seen in like a year or so. I had been annoyed at the time and was mad at him, and he didn't seem to care. How did I end up spending the night? Eating, and eating big (Christmas break, lots of food in the house at this time of year). I remember at the time just feeling so disposable, like my feelings didn't matter to him, I was so sad.
Then I can think back to a few weeks ago when some friends cancelled plans for a girls night out on the town, and how did I spend that night? Eating. How did I deal when I was stood up to go out with colleagues a few weeks back? I ate to feel better. Upon reflection, eating is how I feel better about myself. So maybe when people break plans, it is innocent to them, maybe they have busy social lives and cancelling plans with me is so minuscule in their lives, but I do feel hurt when this happens. But why does it happen? This is what I want to know. I feel I am a kind person, I would never talk about someone behind their back, I can be shy at times, I don't understand why I am so disposable to people around me. There has to be something about me... and I said that to my counsellor and she said something to the effect like we attract what we put out to the world, so if I view myself as disposable or not worthy of other people, than others will view me the same way. I wonder if that is true, or maybe there is something wrong with me.
It is definitely some food for thought (no pun intended), but I feel through this last meeting, more than ever, it is not about the food for me. And I feel that since this last meeting with her on Wednesday, I am better equipped to fight him when he comes for me, and yesterday he came (see new post).
*N
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Day 2
So I think it is safe to say I survived a second day without a binge (although anything could happen between now and when I go home, but I am optimistic). I feel different - good different - in that I am confident I can do this. Until the weekend at least when I am vulnerable to lack of structure. I am a very structured and regimented person in my day-to-day life, which I feel is what keeps me in check during the week. I think it is the freedom and lack of structure on the weekends which is what causes me to binge. I am afraid for February Break coming up next week, when I will have a week filled with opportunity to binge, although binging won't be easy since a lot has been removed from my house. But my counsellor says if an addict wants something bad enough, they will find a way to get it.
I am meeting with her tomorrow, and I need it so badly. It was two long weeks ago today that I last saw her, and I can't believe how much has happened in that time. I binged the very day I saw her, convinced I was a new me, ready to leave binging behind forever. Then I made it a straight 8 days without binging, and when I fell, I fell hard (4 day "bender" anyone?). So now I am back to taking it one day at a time. Today was a hard day, as all I thought about was food. I have a bad habit of going into the cafeteria and just looking at "what could be", or strolling through the grocery store and salivating over bakery items. A bad habit, I know, because it just encourages bad thoughts and behaviour. But in spite of this, I made it through today without over eating or binging. But all I am thinking about now is eating. But I can't. I won't. The day is almost over, I can do this.
I am meeting with her tomorrow, and I need it so badly. It was two long weeks ago today that I last saw her, and I can't believe how much has happened in that time. I binged the very day I saw her, convinced I was a new me, ready to leave binging behind forever. Then I made it a straight 8 days without binging, and when I fell, I fell hard (4 day "bender" anyone?). So now I am back to taking it one day at a time. Today was a hard day, as all I thought about was food. I have a bad habit of going into the cafeteria and just looking at "what could be", or strolling through the grocery store and salivating over bakery items. A bad habit, I know, because it just encourages bad thoughts and behaviour. But in spite of this, I made it through today without over eating or binging. But all I am thinking about now is eating. But I can't. I won't. The day is almost over, I can do this.
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