What a long day.... I thought about food alllll day, but am happy to say that I did not give in :) It wasn't easy though, I made my brother hide the rest of the chipits before he went out because I didn't trust myself to be alone with them.
I felt kind of depressed when my parents returned from vacation with some new clothes for me that I had to pretend I liked while I sucked in my gut, as the size mediums I have previously worn seem to have become too small for me (wait, the sizes aren't wrong, I've just been eating too much, thus gained weight... crap). But hopefully through stopping binging I can get back to what I once was in time to wear these new shirts for summer. They really are some cute shirts... Either way, binging will not get me into those shirts any sooner, and is therefor not the answer to my problem. I still feel like I am feeling the effects of a food hangover though, I feel kind of gross like I did yesterday, which is weird since 2 days later I shouldn't feel like this... but hopefully tomorrow will be back to my "regular" feeling self, whatever that is.
I've managed to weasel out of the family party for Easter tomorrow night. The last time I went to one of these big family functions I WAY overdid it, and I don't for see tomorrow's soiree being any different. With my brother being home and my parents returning from vacation, they suggested making a small dinner with just us, which I think will be nice and won't put me into a situation I can't handle. I think it worked out for the best because I don't think anyone else was really looking forward to going anyway. So maybe tomorrow won't be so bad after all, maybe I will get that 2nd sticker :)
I think I had mentioned I am looking for a hobby in a comment I posted, JJ is making jewelry... does anyone have any good suggestions for a cheap/easy hobby that would occupy my time and keep my hands busy for when I get the "urge"?
xo
*N
Saturday, April 11, 2009
OA and the Sticker System
So I went to the Overeater's Anonymous meeting on Thursday night, and I am just sorry I hadn't gone sooner. I am not sure what I expected, but I think this will be good for me. It was comforting enough to hear about the other women who were there and what their struggles with food are - they really aren't that different from mine. It was funny because these women were just so "normal" looking and if I ran into them on the street I wouldn't guess they have issues with food. I guess what is funny is, is how common a problem like this actually is, but it isn't anything people are really comfortable talking about - unless you find yourself in a group of peers or anonymously blogging to strangers on the Internet... Anyway, I am looking forward to going back next week and learning more about how to fight this and relinquishing control to a "higher power", as is the basis of the group.
I'm not going to lie though, the whole time I was there, I was thinking about having pizza once I left - to which I drove around to 4 different pizza shops until I found one which had donair pizza (WTF?!? That was the first time in my life I ever ate donair pizza, but suddenly in that meeting I had been craving it... oh my). So I came home and polished the slice off, to which I finished the jar of peanut butter (sigh - not looking forward to explaining that to my mom when she notices, because it was the "hidden" peanut butter) and ate more peanut butter chipits, all before my boyfriend came over. And I felt bad about lying to him when I said I only had a frozen dinner for supper, but didn't know how I could justify eating pizza after going to that meeting. As for the other junk, that "go big or go home" mentality gets me every time (I had already binged twice earlier in the day, what was one more time, right?). I really feel like Thursday was the worst day of my life in terms of eating. I felt sick going to bed and "hungover" on Friday when I woke up. But it was a new day - a long day - and I made it without binging (albeit was DAMN hard). But here I am two days later and my stomach is still swollen from all the food...
My brother ended up coming home last night and we had some pretty good heart to hearts, and he told me about what a friend of his does when trying to break a habit... She has this calendar which she keeps by her bed and every day she goes without doing her "bad habit", she gets a sticker on the day she was "good". I guess it gives her something to look forward to and encourages her by seeing all the stickers on her calendar. They serve as a reminder of her strength, and she looks forward to getting a new sticker each day she doesn't do the bad habit. I know it doesn't sound like much and is even a little silly, but I am going to give it a try. I went out this morning and bought a package of shiny stars and got to put one on April 10, which as silly as it may sound, I felt proud of, haha. So I am currently on my way to a 2nd shiny star on my calendar as I am halfway through day 2. And it does sound funny, but when I found myself thinking about the PB chipits, I reminded myself that I want another sticker for today, and won't get one through binging on chipits. So laugh if you like, but so far, it seems to have worked :)
As for my game of losing gym privileges (something I enjoy) when I binge (bad behaviour) I don't think that is going to work for me. I feel as though had I went to the gym on Thursday instead of staying home, I might have been able to break out of my funk. I'm not sure that is the way for me to go, but I guess for now I will see how this sticker system works. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can stop binging?
I am nervous about tomorrow, being Easter and all - supposed to be heading to a family party for dinner; but have requested that no one give me chocolate this year, so hopefully this will be respected, nonetheless, wish me luck tomorrow, and same to you - this is a hard time of year.
Love *N
I'm not going to lie though, the whole time I was there, I was thinking about having pizza once I left - to which I drove around to 4 different pizza shops until I found one which had donair pizza (WTF?!? That was the first time in my life I ever ate donair pizza, but suddenly in that meeting I had been craving it... oh my). So I came home and polished the slice off, to which I finished the jar of peanut butter (sigh - not looking forward to explaining that to my mom when she notices, because it was the "hidden" peanut butter) and ate more peanut butter chipits, all before my boyfriend came over. And I felt bad about lying to him when I said I only had a frozen dinner for supper, but didn't know how I could justify eating pizza after going to that meeting. As for the other junk, that "go big or go home" mentality gets me every time (I had already binged twice earlier in the day, what was one more time, right?). I really feel like Thursday was the worst day of my life in terms of eating. I felt sick going to bed and "hungover" on Friday when I woke up. But it was a new day - a long day - and I made it without binging (albeit was DAMN hard). But here I am two days later and my stomach is still swollen from all the food...
My brother ended up coming home last night and we had some pretty good heart to hearts, and he told me about what a friend of his does when trying to break a habit... She has this calendar which she keeps by her bed and every day she goes without doing her "bad habit", she gets a sticker on the day she was "good". I guess it gives her something to look forward to and encourages her by seeing all the stickers on her calendar. They serve as a reminder of her strength, and she looks forward to getting a new sticker each day she doesn't do the bad habit. I know it doesn't sound like much and is even a little silly, but I am going to give it a try. I went out this morning and bought a package of shiny stars and got to put one on April 10, which as silly as it may sound, I felt proud of, haha. So I am currently on my way to a 2nd shiny star on my calendar as I am halfway through day 2. And it does sound funny, but when I found myself thinking about the PB chipits, I reminded myself that I want another sticker for today, and won't get one through binging on chipits. So laugh if you like, but so far, it seems to have worked :)
As for my game of losing gym privileges (something I enjoy) when I binge (bad behaviour) I don't think that is going to work for me. I feel as though had I went to the gym on Thursday instead of staying home, I might have been able to break out of my funk. I'm not sure that is the way for me to go, but I guess for now I will see how this sticker system works. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can stop binging?
I am nervous about tomorrow, being Easter and all - supposed to be heading to a family party for dinner; but have requested that no one give me chocolate this year, so hopefully this will be respected, nonetheless, wish me luck tomorrow, and same to you - this is a hard time of year.
Love *N
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Getting Ready to Stop
I'm heading to this OA meeting shortly, and I'm getting kind of nervous, not sure what about... I had a long day today and got confrontational with my boyfriend a bit over this binging. It got pretty ugly, but I know he is only concerned for me and wants to help. I hadn't eaten since this morning's binge, until I got home a few minutes ago and "mini-binged" before this OA thing (perhaps as the "last meal"). I am exhausted and feel like ass, but hopefully I will find some support through this group.
Will update later.
xo
Will update later.
xo
40 Minutes of Binge
Sigh. Why do I do this? I no sooner sat down and typed my last entry and I was at it again. I got distracted when the phone rang, and had to walk by "the closet", so I started at it again - pb chipits straight from the bag, followed by 2 Snickers bars, peanut butter and capped off with more chipits. All in 40 minutes. Interestingly enough, it was my boyfriend on the phone calling, and then I just sat down to type this, having finished, and he called again. All of this in a 40 minute span. So here it is, 10:40 am and this is my day. Not going to the gym (not necessarily because of the new "rules" but because I couldn't do much more than sit here since I am feeling so shitty.
DAMMIT, I am so mad, why did I do this? This sucks, and this is going to be my day now - feeling shitty and sorry for myself because I have no control. I am going to give my hand at this group tonight, I don't know what else to do. Someone help me :(
DAMMIT, I am so mad, why did I do this? This sucks, and this is going to be my day now - feeling shitty and sorry for myself because I have no control. I am going to give my hand at this group tonight, I don't know what else to do. Someone help me :(
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I'm Out Of Control
So I haven't written in a while, as you might have noticed... I met with ~M~ yesterday and told her how I felt like I had been avoiding journalling. I just feel so bad, in fact I feel as though I've hit bottom. I've been binging a lot lately, most recently being last night after having had a good Monday and Tuesday. Prior to that it was a hard weekend, eating and drinking myself into I don't know what.... Won't get into the details because you've heard it all before, but as usual, I woke up on Monday ready to change and I thought I had, until I found leftover birthday cake from my dad's party on the weekend.
The cake had been taunting me since Sunday when it came into the house. I had two small pieces when everyone was here, but then I woke up around 1am wanting more, having come to after all the wine I had consumed. But Monday was a new day. I got home in the afternoon and all I could think about was cake, so in order to avoid it, I put myself to bed for a few hours to avoid thinking about it. Then I went out for the evening and it was fine.
Tuesday night, the night before my parents went away for a few days, I asked them to dispose of the leftover cake, I didn't need it here, especially since I would be unsupervised (am I really a 25 year old adult saying that?), and expected it to be gone when I got up. The first thing I did when I got up yesterday morning was see if it was there, and it was, ugh. I spoke with my brother on the phone yesterday and he told me to throw it out while he was on the phone with me, but I laughed and said I would be OK. Then last night after dinner, the cake got the best of me. After close to an hour of trying to determine the calories in the cake, how many points it might be, etc., I went for it, but as usual, it didn't stop there, it had opened Pandora's Box (peanut butter, cool whip, jello, a bag of peanut butter chipits, chips/dip, chocolate, etc.). Needless to say I went to bed feeling shitty and still feel awful as I write this 12 hours later. And to top it off, the first thing I thought about this morning was the peanut butter chipits that my mother so cleverly thinks she hid from me in the coat closet.
I truly feel like I'm out of control. I want to do it all again (ED wants me to do it all again), but I know that won't be good. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, which I think is why I hadn't blogged/journalled in a while, I just feel like I'm going in circles here. I promised ~M~ that I would get back to this, because we both know writing down my feelings works for me. She suggested playing little games with myself, for example, when I binge, I don't get something I enjoy - she suggested exercise. So I guess how it would go is when I binge, I don't get to go to the gym or run, which seems to be the only thing I have left, that I enjoy anymore. I'm not going to lie, I am getting ready to go to the gym after this, but this little "game" starts now (I'm justifying this because I am waking up with a clear head, where yesterday I was in a bad place).
I put off, yet again, going to a support meeting on Tuesday night, but I am definitely going tonight. I've said it before, but I am going to try Overeater's Anonymous. I always seem to have found an excuse not to go, but there is one tonight that I have to go to, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
I guess my new goals will be to journal/blog when I feel the urge come on. Although I'm still thinking about those pb chipits... but I have to be stronger than that bag. Taking away something I enjoy when I binge will have to be as well - I guess it will be exercise.
So in addition to all of this, my doctor wants to treat me with medication for depression. She had held off on doing so because she thought it was all my thyroid making me do this, but my blood work has come back normal so she is now looking for alternatives to helping me feel better. I feel it's this whole chicken and egg thing: Am I depressed because I'm eating, or am I eating because I'm depressed? ~M~ says its all tied in together, but it driving me crazy - trying to figure out why this is happening. I am hesitant to go on any anti-depressants for two reasons: I have heard horror stories about them having adverse reactions and people actually get worse, and the other being that ~M~ thinks understanding why I do this will help me stop.
So I'm getting ready to face another day, which I know won't be easy. I will not go that long again without journalling because I need this outlet to get out my feelings. BINGING TODAY WILL NOT TAKE AWAY THE GUILT I FEEL FROM LAST NIGHT. Today is a new day and I HAVE CHOICES, I DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE. I WANT TO TAKE BACK CONTROL.
How have you all been doing?
The cake had been taunting me since Sunday when it came into the house. I had two small pieces when everyone was here, but then I woke up around 1am wanting more, having come to after all the wine I had consumed. But Monday was a new day. I got home in the afternoon and all I could think about was cake, so in order to avoid it, I put myself to bed for a few hours to avoid thinking about it. Then I went out for the evening and it was fine.
Tuesday night, the night before my parents went away for a few days, I asked them to dispose of the leftover cake, I didn't need it here, especially since I would be unsupervised (am I really a 25 year old adult saying that?), and expected it to be gone when I got up. The first thing I did when I got up yesterday morning was see if it was there, and it was, ugh. I spoke with my brother on the phone yesterday and he told me to throw it out while he was on the phone with me, but I laughed and said I would be OK. Then last night after dinner, the cake got the best of me. After close to an hour of trying to determine the calories in the cake, how many points it might be, etc., I went for it, but as usual, it didn't stop there, it had opened Pandora's Box (peanut butter, cool whip, jello, a bag of peanut butter chipits, chips/dip, chocolate, etc.). Needless to say I went to bed feeling shitty and still feel awful as I write this 12 hours later. And to top it off, the first thing I thought about this morning was the peanut butter chipits that my mother so cleverly thinks she hid from me in the coat closet.
I truly feel like I'm out of control. I want to do it all again (ED wants me to do it all again), but I know that won't be good. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, which I think is why I hadn't blogged/journalled in a while, I just feel like I'm going in circles here. I promised ~M~ that I would get back to this, because we both know writing down my feelings works for me. She suggested playing little games with myself, for example, when I binge, I don't get something I enjoy - she suggested exercise. So I guess how it would go is when I binge, I don't get to go to the gym or run, which seems to be the only thing I have left, that I enjoy anymore. I'm not going to lie, I am getting ready to go to the gym after this, but this little "game" starts now (I'm justifying this because I am waking up with a clear head, where yesterday I was in a bad place).
I put off, yet again, going to a support meeting on Tuesday night, but I am definitely going tonight. I've said it before, but I am going to try Overeater's Anonymous. I always seem to have found an excuse not to go, but there is one tonight that I have to go to, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
I guess my new goals will be to journal/blog when I feel the urge come on. Although I'm still thinking about those pb chipits... but I have to be stronger than that bag. Taking away something I enjoy when I binge will have to be as well - I guess it will be exercise.
So in addition to all of this, my doctor wants to treat me with medication for depression. She had held off on doing so because she thought it was all my thyroid making me do this, but my blood work has come back normal so she is now looking for alternatives to helping me feel better. I feel it's this whole chicken and egg thing: Am I depressed because I'm eating, or am I eating because I'm depressed? ~M~ says its all tied in together, but it driving me crazy - trying to figure out why this is happening. I am hesitant to go on any anti-depressants for two reasons: I have heard horror stories about them having adverse reactions and people actually get worse, and the other being that ~M~ thinks understanding why I do this will help me stop.
So I'm getting ready to face another day, which I know won't be easy. I will not go that long again without journalling because I need this outlet to get out my feelings. BINGING TODAY WILL NOT TAKE AWAY THE GUILT I FEEL FROM LAST NIGHT. Today is a new day and I HAVE CHOICES, I DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE. I WANT TO TAKE BACK CONTROL.
How have you all been doing?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Ugh
Just checking in, sorry I haven't been around, I've been crazy busy with school but am writing my last exam today!
Lots to catch up on... I'm feeling awful and my doctor has diagnosed me as being depressed... details to follow later.
Lots to catch up on... I'm feeling awful and my doctor has diagnosed me as being depressed... details to follow later.
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