The day isn't over yet (still have one more hour before bed, a lot can happen in 60 minutes, so I don't want to get cocky yet), but I feel I can safely say that I have gone two full days without binging. But it's all I thought about today. The weird thing is I still feel like I want to binge, to eat, to feel good. I am feeling pretty tired today but was happy to see some encouraging words posted this morning, thanks girls! Today was better than yesterday, hopefully tomorrow will be better than today, one day at a time...
I don't have too much to talk about today. I got in a slight argument with my mother about not going to a family party next week. Not because I don't want to, because I do, but my aunt is an amazing cook and I'm not sure if he is going to let me go to a dinner party (and gasp, on a Tuesday night! I usually restrict Monday-Thursday), and I'm afraid of overeating. My weight is up and I'm depressed. But maybe if I have a good weekend (i.e. no binging/overeating) he will let me go.
I hope you all had a good day today.
xo
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I'm Exhausted
What a long day. I spent most of the day mentally fighting him. I ate this many points, I had this many points left, supper was going to be this many points, wanting to binge, etc.
This was such a weird day. All day I wanted to binge on food - *N actually wanted to binge. Usually when I binge, I never want to and always think to myself to stop, but I can't. This was different, I just wanted to eat food. I feel so depressed today. Depressed and tired. But on the plus side I received thyroid medication from my doctor, which I started today, so I am hoping this will help with bringing up my mood.
I got home from school, already stressed after barely passing a midterm and mentally arguing with him all day. By the time I got home, I was feeling emotionally drained, hungry and stressed out. I became further upset when I got home and saw that my mother had cooked a pot of her clam chowder, something I love. But I wasn't allowed to have it after having binged the last three days, which stressed me out further. I was thisclose to tears (and really, over what?). So rather than enjoy the chowder with my family, as I would have enjoyed, I ate fat-free hot dogs and steamed veggies in front of the TV, but really, what kind of demented excuse for a meal is that anyway? A penance meal, I guess. It's interesting that despite my desire to binge and eat, I couldn't let myself eat the chowder.
So as hard as today was, I can officially say that I did not binge. According to my definition, I did overeat today, but only by 3 WW points (not the end of the world). I feel like I am down in a funk and I don't know if I even want to be "binge-sober". I am not confident I can not binge tomorrow, because I don't know if abstaining from binging is what I want right now, but I can just take it one moment at a time.
Anyway, I'm off to bed for some much needed sleep.
xo *N
This was such a weird day. All day I wanted to binge on food - *N actually wanted to binge. Usually when I binge, I never want to and always think to myself to stop, but I can't. This was different, I just wanted to eat food. I feel so depressed today. Depressed and tired. But on the plus side I received thyroid medication from my doctor, which I started today, so I am hoping this will help with bringing up my mood.
I got home from school, already stressed after barely passing a midterm and mentally arguing with him all day. By the time I got home, I was feeling emotionally drained, hungry and stressed out. I became further upset when I got home and saw that my mother had cooked a pot of her clam chowder, something I love. But I wasn't allowed to have it after having binged the last three days, which stressed me out further. I was thisclose to tears (and really, over what?). So rather than enjoy the chowder with my family, as I would have enjoyed, I ate fat-free hot dogs and steamed veggies in front of the TV, but really, what kind of demented excuse for a meal is that anyway? A penance meal, I guess. It's interesting that despite my desire to binge and eat, I couldn't let myself eat the chowder.
So as hard as today was, I can officially say that I did not binge. According to my definition, I did overeat today, but only by 3 WW points (not the end of the world). I feel like I am down in a funk and I don't know if I even want to be "binge-sober". I am not confident I can not binge tomorrow, because I don't know if abstaining from binging is what I want right now, but I can just take it one moment at a time.
Anyway, I'm off to bed for some much needed sleep.
xo *N
Monday, March 2, 2009
Hate That I Love You
Ugh. I thought I could fight this today, but I am weak and he is strong, too strong for me today. If Rihanna goes back to a man who beats her, what chance do the rest of us have at leaving our abusive relationships? (I understand domestic abuse doesn't necessarily compare to disordered eating and many people may not understand the comparisson, but the book Life Without Ed explains the similarities quite nicely).
Why do I feel that eating myself sick into a food coma is actually going to make me feel better? I can't think of anything in my life that could actually feel worse than I physically feel right now.
It started out as a good day. I had planned to detox after yesterday. I went to bed with the intent to do a juice cleanse, however, I woke up hungry and thought "this is a new day, restricting will only make me vulnerable". So I went about my day counting points and grazing throughout the day. I started to fall around dinner time when I spotted leftover trifle in the fridge, where I ate out of the pan. Then for dinner, made myself a plate of veggies and rice (note I wasn't allowed chicken after having eaten desert before dinner). But then after supper, I finished off the trifle (I honestly thought I could have just a taste), and then it was game on - deja vu.
So I ate more PB than I think I've ever eaten in a setting (I'm dreading having to justify this to my parents if it comes up), ice cream, cookies, chocolate (which I will say was leftover from my brother's binge on the weekend when he was home, how do I know? It was hidden under his bad), frozen coffee cake, and probably the worst of all, I actually made up a small bowl of icing to eat. That's right. I made icing. If that's not hitting rock bottom, I don't know what is.
So I'm back to where I was 24 hours ago. My stomach feels like shit, I hate myself, I'm feeling very jittery, my teeth actually feel like they're aching from all the sugar, and I am in for another long night. Doing this pretty much ruins any chance of concentrating on school work because now all I think about is how sick I feel. I don't know why this is 2 days in a row, I was doing so well, DAMMIT!!! This sucks.
What are you all saying tonight? How was the weekend? Better than mine I hope.
:( *N
Why do I feel that eating myself sick into a food coma is actually going to make me feel better? I can't think of anything in my life that could actually feel worse than I physically feel right now.
It started out as a good day. I had planned to detox after yesterday. I went to bed with the intent to do a juice cleanse, however, I woke up hungry and thought "this is a new day, restricting will only make me vulnerable". So I went about my day counting points and grazing throughout the day. I started to fall around dinner time when I spotted leftover trifle in the fridge, where I ate out of the pan. Then for dinner, made myself a plate of veggies and rice (note I wasn't allowed chicken after having eaten desert before dinner). But then after supper, I finished off the trifle (I honestly thought I could have just a taste), and then it was game on - deja vu.
So I ate more PB than I think I've ever eaten in a setting (I'm dreading having to justify this to my parents if it comes up), ice cream, cookies, chocolate (which I will say was leftover from my brother's binge on the weekend when he was home, how do I know? It was hidden under his bad), frozen coffee cake, and probably the worst of all, I actually made up a small bowl of icing to eat. That's right. I made icing. If that's not hitting rock bottom, I don't know what is.
So I'm back to where I was 24 hours ago. My stomach feels like shit, I hate myself, I'm feeling very jittery, my teeth actually feel like they're aching from all the sugar, and I am in for another long night. Doing this pretty much ruins any chance of concentrating on school work because now all I think about is how sick I feel. I don't know why this is 2 days in a row, I was doing so well, DAMMIT!!! This sucks.
What are you all saying tonight? How was the weekend? Better than mine I hope.
:( *N
Sunday, March 1, 2009
COMMENTS
I'm not sure how this might work, but I thought I could open up a specific place for people who may want to converse with others. You are always free to comment on specific entries or to email me directly, but you are also more than welcome to throw out your own questions/comments to anyone who might drop by. I know we've all got our own experiences and ways of dealing with this, feel free to share some of yours.
*N
*N
Update
My personal motto: Go big or go home.
Several hours since my last post and while I have slowed down (I've eaten supper, desert, more desert, and ice cream), I still want more, despite my swelling stomach (I'm still trying to decide if it is me who wants more, or him who wants me to eat more. My mind is so confused right now). I am afraid that once everyone goes to bed, it will be on again. UGH. This is exhausting. And my head hurts, possibly from all the sugar I've consumed today. Someone help me. I hate this. Saddest girl online :(
Several hours since my last post and while I have slowed down (I've eaten supper, desert, more desert, and ice cream), I still want more, despite my swelling stomach (I'm still trying to decide if it is me who wants more, or him who wants me to eat more. My mind is so confused right now). I am afraid that once everyone goes to bed, it will be on again. UGH. This is exhausting. And my head hurts, possibly from all the sugar I've consumed today. Someone help me. I hate this. Saddest girl online :(
Restrict, Overeat, Binge, RESTART
So I survived Monday-Thursday relatively painlessly (emphasis on restrictive, but survived nonetheless).
Friday started out pretty good until I arrived at work, and I encountered something I hadn't planned or budgeted for, and it messed me up. One of my co-workers brought peanut butter balls to work (the size of about 2 golf balls, seriously, they were huge!). And if that wasn't bad enough, there were these chocolate-peanut butter Easter candies there as well (are these people conspiring against me with my weakness for chocolate and peanut butter?).
I survived the morning only thinking about these treats calling for me, but the afternoon went downhill when I allowed myself to have one PB Ball. Then I had 4 more and lost track of the smaller chocolates. I hadn't felt too guilty about this, although I only ended up eating light popcorn for supper that night, much to my boyfriend's dismay (I'm not the girl who will match him forkful for forkful like I was 4 years ago when we first got together, and he sees this. It disappoints him to no end that he has lost me to another man (Ed) with a strong hold over me). So all this extra food prevented me from having a real meal (trying to deal with the binge for now, deal with restrictions later, baby steps *N, baby steps).
Moving onto Saturday, was an OK day. I started off, business as usual, planning out my daily food, etc. It was fairly painless until I decided on having desert (the end of the month, I was volunteering at my church dinner and couldn't say no to all the deserts they have there). So I decided on this chocolate cheesecake which looked amazing and packed it up to go. So we went home, ate supper and then the desert, and it was all fine.
The whole time I was there, we were watching a movie and I was thinking about how much I wanted to binge and fantasizing about past binges (weird, I know) which was confusing to me, because I was trying to ask myself why I was feeling the urge and I don't know why. I wasn't feeling lonely or alone, as were my triggers identified in therapy.
After desert, I still wasn't satisfied, so I went in search of more. This is where I will say I overate, and it was overeating rather than binging because it was in the presence of my BF and I honestly felt like I was allowing myself to eat. So I had chocolate rice cakes with peanut butter (chunky peanut butter at his house - double whammy), then had a muffin (which I spread with chocolate Duncan Hines icing because, lets face it, it's damn good stuff. That's the danger of being at his place I guess - bachelor food), finished off with a 100 Calorie pack. Not too bad for "overeating" I guess. But by the 100 Calorie pack he said to me "after that don't have anything else". WTF! I'm a grown-ass woman! His heart was in the right place though, he just meant that he didn't want me to get mad at myself for overeating. But it pissed me off, so to spite him, when he went to the bathroom I snuck some PB, icing out of the can (icing spoons), more peanut butter and chocolate kisses (could have been the beginning of a binge if he wasn't so quick in the bathroom). Interesting that I can justify eating the extras to spite him when he didn't actually know I did this and only ended up hurting myself... When he said this to me though, it reconfirmed why people binge when they are alone. It is embarrassing in front of others.
So I woke up this morning thinking about food and the night before. I was in for a looong day. Started off obsessively measuring my cereal and measuring out my peanut butter for my toast (yes, having an actual legitimate serving of PB, it can be done). I went on my way to the gym but by the time I got home I wanted to eat. And I think I knew I was going to binge, I wanted to binge after fantasizing about it the night before. From the time I got home I was waiting for my parents to leave for the afternoon, and then would say I ate for about a solid 2 hours (seriously). I ate everything I could find, and I feel like ass. I can't recap everything I ate but some "highlights" include ice cream bars (note that is plural bars), PB (light and regular - 2 different kinds in the house, supposedly hidden from me, but when an addict wants something they will find it, right?), countless 100 calorie packs, chocolate bars (again, plural), chips/dip, this pudding/cream cheese/cool whip concoction eaten with graham crackers (once the house has been purged of old favourites you get creative about how you will find something new), and the list goes on from there...
I feel so shitty right now. Not just because of all the food rotting in my stomach and forming into fat in my thighs and ass as I type, but I let myself down, I had been doing soooo good. I let you down. I let him win. I had gone so long. FUCK!!! I hate myself. I didn't have to do this. But it is part of the cycle. I start my week with restricting myself. I begin the descent downhill by overeating and I crash with a binge. This is what makes him happy, he is in control -the way he likes it. Tomorrow I will be back to restricting, because under his rules, I restrict during the week. What's pissing me off is I'm going to be with him tonight again, I'm planning on a full supper with desert (go big or go home, right?). Ugh, my insides are killing me now. I'm in for a long night of school work and feeling sorry for myself, wishing I could purge. I may try this later. I had been doing so well too. I honestly thought I was out of my funk that was holding me down. I had gotten cocky and he brought me down a notch. Fuck.
I hope you are all doing better than me
xo *N
Friday started out pretty good until I arrived at work, and I encountered something I hadn't planned or budgeted for, and it messed me up. One of my co-workers brought peanut butter balls to work (the size of about 2 golf balls, seriously, they were huge!). And if that wasn't bad enough, there were these chocolate-peanut butter Easter candies there as well (are these people conspiring against me with my weakness for chocolate and peanut butter?).
I survived the morning only thinking about these treats calling for me, but the afternoon went downhill when I allowed myself to have one PB Ball. Then I had 4 more and lost track of the smaller chocolates. I hadn't felt too guilty about this, although I only ended up eating light popcorn for supper that night, much to my boyfriend's dismay (I'm not the girl who will match him forkful for forkful like I was 4 years ago when we first got together, and he sees this. It disappoints him to no end that he has lost me to another man (Ed) with a strong hold over me). So all this extra food prevented me from having a real meal (trying to deal with the binge for now, deal with restrictions later, baby steps *N, baby steps).
Moving onto Saturday, was an OK day. I started off, business as usual, planning out my daily food, etc. It was fairly painless until I decided on having desert (the end of the month, I was volunteering at my church dinner and couldn't say no to all the deserts they have there). So I decided on this chocolate cheesecake which looked amazing and packed it up to go. So we went home, ate supper and then the desert, and it was all fine.
The whole time I was there, we were watching a movie and I was thinking about how much I wanted to binge and fantasizing about past binges (weird, I know) which was confusing to me, because I was trying to ask myself why I was feeling the urge and I don't know why. I wasn't feeling lonely or alone, as were my triggers identified in therapy.
After desert, I still wasn't satisfied, so I went in search of more. This is where I will say I overate, and it was overeating rather than binging because it was in the presence of my BF and I honestly felt like I was allowing myself to eat. So I had chocolate rice cakes with peanut butter (chunky peanut butter at his house - double whammy), then had a muffin (which I spread with chocolate Duncan Hines icing because, lets face it, it's damn good stuff. That's the danger of being at his place I guess - bachelor food), finished off with a 100 Calorie pack. Not too bad for "overeating" I guess. But by the 100 Calorie pack he said to me "after that don't have anything else". WTF! I'm a grown-ass woman! His heart was in the right place though, he just meant that he didn't want me to get mad at myself for overeating. But it pissed me off, so to spite him, when he went to the bathroom I snuck some PB, icing out of the can (icing spoons), more peanut butter and chocolate kisses (could have been the beginning of a binge if he wasn't so quick in the bathroom). Interesting that I can justify eating the extras to spite him when he didn't actually know I did this and only ended up hurting myself... When he said this to me though, it reconfirmed why people binge when they are alone. It is embarrassing in front of others.
So I woke up this morning thinking about food and the night before. I was in for a looong day. Started off obsessively measuring my cereal and measuring out my peanut butter for my toast (yes, having an actual legitimate serving of PB, it can be done). I went on my way to the gym but by the time I got home I wanted to eat. And I think I knew I was going to binge, I wanted to binge after fantasizing about it the night before. From the time I got home I was waiting for my parents to leave for the afternoon, and then would say I ate for about a solid 2 hours (seriously). I ate everything I could find, and I feel like ass. I can't recap everything I ate but some "highlights" include ice cream bars (note that is plural bars), PB (light and regular - 2 different kinds in the house, supposedly hidden from me, but when an addict wants something they will find it, right?), countless 100 calorie packs, chocolate bars (again, plural), chips/dip, this pudding/cream cheese/cool whip concoction eaten with graham crackers (once the house has been purged of old favourites you get creative about how you will find something new), and the list goes on from there...
I feel so shitty right now. Not just because of all the food rotting in my stomach and forming into fat in my thighs and ass as I type, but I let myself down, I had been doing soooo good. I let you down. I let him win. I had gone so long. FUCK!!! I hate myself. I didn't have to do this. But it is part of the cycle. I start my week with restricting myself. I begin the descent downhill by overeating and I crash with a binge. This is what makes him happy, he is in control -the way he likes it. Tomorrow I will be back to restricting, because under his rules, I restrict during the week. What's pissing me off is I'm going to be with him tonight again, I'm planning on a full supper with desert (go big or go home, right?). Ugh, my insides are killing me now. I'm in for a long night of school work and feeling sorry for myself, wishing I could purge. I may try this later. I had been doing so well too. I honestly thought I was out of my funk that was holding me down. I had gotten cocky and he brought me down a notch. Fuck.
I hope you are all doing better than me
xo *N
Family Secrets
More apologies! A week between posts! School is keeping me busy, but only one month left.
So I survived the week... Monday-Thursday consuming the bare minimum of allowed daily "points", per his restrictions. Thursday was an interesting day. My brother being home from university for the week, I started to fill him in on most of these problems. And I discussed getting "in the zone", feeling out of control, not being able to stop, and it being such a high to eat food, but then it's followed by such a crash, and all that foolishness that goes along with this. At one point he started to laugh. Why was this funny to him? What he said next shocked me, and still shocks me. HE DOES IT TOO. What? This is a man who is a varsity athlete at his university, this doesn't make any sense. But he went on to say how he was studying eating disorders in class and when they discussed binge eating and compulsive eating, he realized he fit into these categories. He said how when he is out drinking with his friends he longs to be home eating, getting the high through food rather than alcohol like his friends.
Then he said about last weekend when he came home drunk and ate my DQ. When he got home, he went on a binge and ate himself to sleep. He didn't even remember eating the TP until I asked him about it, then it all came back to him. So he was just as upset as I had been because he knew it wasn't a drunken eating fest when he was home, but another moment of losing control, and not even remembering it. That's scary stuff, and I can't believe my own brother does this. He is good at hiding it and he is obsessive about eating healthily (when he's not binging apparently), and will even criticize others for not eating right. And I had no idea.
His weaknesses are similar to mine, anything sweet, desert type things, he identified PB as his #1 vice (weird), anything fried/junky (I never usually binge/overeat real food, just desert type things), etc. Basically anything goes for him. So this isn't just something that affects women, my brother is a victim as well. And I have had other men email me through this blog as well who feel the shame of hiding this dirty little secrets.
We made a deal to call each other when the urge strikes to talk it through (although I didn't take him up on this this weekend - see next post). I do feel good having discussed this with him and am glad to have someone else who understands this.
Who do you turn to for support?
xo *N
So I survived the week... Monday-Thursday consuming the bare minimum of allowed daily "points", per his restrictions. Thursday was an interesting day. My brother being home from university for the week, I started to fill him in on most of these problems. And I discussed getting "in the zone", feeling out of control, not being able to stop, and it being such a high to eat food, but then it's followed by such a crash, and all that foolishness that goes along with this. At one point he started to laugh. Why was this funny to him? What he said next shocked me, and still shocks me. HE DOES IT TOO. What? This is a man who is a varsity athlete at his university, this doesn't make any sense. But he went on to say how he was studying eating disorders in class and when they discussed binge eating and compulsive eating, he realized he fit into these categories. He said how when he is out drinking with his friends he longs to be home eating, getting the high through food rather than alcohol like his friends.
Then he said about last weekend when he came home drunk and ate my DQ. When he got home, he went on a binge and ate himself to sleep. He didn't even remember eating the TP until I asked him about it, then it all came back to him. So he was just as upset as I had been because he knew it wasn't a drunken eating fest when he was home, but another moment of losing control, and not even remembering it. That's scary stuff, and I can't believe my own brother does this. He is good at hiding it and he is obsessive about eating healthily (when he's not binging apparently), and will even criticize others for not eating right. And I had no idea.
His weaknesses are similar to mine, anything sweet, desert type things, he identified PB as his #1 vice (weird), anything fried/junky (I never usually binge/overeat real food, just desert type things), etc. Basically anything goes for him. So this isn't just something that affects women, my brother is a victim as well. And I have had other men email me through this blog as well who feel the shame of hiding this dirty little secrets.
We made a deal to call each other when the urge strikes to talk it through (although I didn't take him up on this this weekend - see next post). I do feel good having discussed this with him and am glad to have someone else who understands this.
Who do you turn to for support?
xo *N
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